Is this Rock Bottom?

So, I went from a nice little basement apartment, walking distance from downtown Boise, to potentially a run-down trailer DIY surprise kind of thing that fell through and with that, there was two. Two houses lost in less than a month. But we rebounded quickly. We found a perfect vehicle to blog and travel and to write in. For the summer anyway, the plan was to take this 74 Blazer out in the world and show her the west coast. She had an orange stripe down the length of her and the rest was white. Not eggshell or off-white, apartment wall white with a slight fade. She had a hard shell and under 200K miles and the owner was for a hot minute, sane and could communicate clearly. That changed pretty fast and now we are just out money and up to our ears in millennials.

Kill me Now?

There are days like today that I want to scream, from the top of y lungs so that whatever god or goddess or energy bubble was listening, they would know that there was going to be someone paying close attention and when it was time for atonement, I was going to most certainy hav a bone to pick... with someone or something.

The loss triggers abandonment. The loss means I have to go back to my ex-husband, who firmly holds my kids in his hands, toying them in front of me. I shouldn't play, but I am so far down, I just want to see them. I want to watch a movie or listen to them talk. I end up taking anything I can get. Quality time goes to the wayside sometimes, because it is hard to have quality when you only have a few minutes. But we try.

Are We There Yet?

Most people say that I should just kick the ex-house to the curb and reclaim it as the boys and mine. I don't know if I can actually do that, as it is y name on the lease. Ethically, this is my sons' dad and him being a shitheel doesn't mean I gt to be. I have to work really hard on being the bigger person. Honestly, I think he is as well, I think I did tell he was going to be here. That being said, I don't want to make him homeless. He has no problem with me going to a shelter though. Ironic. Ugh. Why can't it ever be an equal two-way street? What happened to ethics, equivalent exchange and the unification of the higher self. He is less of a man tha I had married, which isn't saying much. In the end, he was once a friend and at least a trusted confidant. He used everything against me and continues to try to manipulate me with words. I am slowly going mad, but at least I have my boys at hand.

I need a plan.

Time to meditate.

I need a plan like yesterday...

Tentlife

Inspired by #vanlife, #tentlife or yurtlife even, is a way of living outside of the social normative. Unlike some unruly deveiant behaviors it isn't against the law or outside of the cultural norm in all sub-cultures. The ones that it is out of line though, they think it is all weird. Maybe it is? In any case, I have always prided myself on being different. I have also not wanted to life a traditional stable life. It just wasn't my calling.

Being married, eventually, I got used to it. But, being married was a big deal and I did it not because I was in love,but because that is what you were supposed to do. My mom asked if I was happy, this was years ago, and I lied and I told her yes. I don't think I was ever happy. I am certainly not happy now. I am getting there. It seems with each rock bottom partof y old self-cracks away and I begin to see this new me in a new light. I am liking her most of the time. I am aware, acutely, when she is sad or upset though. I know that we are the same person, just changed over time but most days I don't recognize myself anymore. I just want it to stop and I crave simplicity. I know though it won't last. I will chase it, get satiated and do stupid things.

So, is it too soon, to stay busy, even if that means ignoring people to keep me busy. This tent keeps me busy. I always have to move and keep going as I am finally convinced that these pants fit me.

I sit in the tent, imagining it is an office. I have been writing for hours and inspiration spite lack of sleep, and I am determined to get almost caught up at least. Now, I need to make a phone call on this wifi. Oi. I need thing the to come back together and I need more time.

I like to think that this all has a purpose. I try to remember that I am a small fish, no matter how great or big I think that I am... it is only a perception based on where I am in the moment. This helps me to breathe and then to come back to center. This allows me to be free to move forward. Oh, it is so hard though. Some days, it seems impossible.

Lesson Learned... I think?

I keep forgetting to breathe and my arm goes tingly or my chest goes numb. I think, in a fear based paranoid thought...this is it. I am having a cardiac episode. I'm too young for an episode.

Fuck. Stress.

Time to grow stronger.

I'm working on it!

Ultimately, no matter how much you kick and scream, the ending is the same. You gotta do you, and I gotta do me. It is easier if we could switch and if it were possible, I would probably agree. But then we wouldn't learn anything. There is rythm to the rhyme and you'll get the hang of it after some time. We all do.

In the Mean Time... Could You Be So Kind?

Resteem, share, get your friends in on this, let them know I want to hear from them too and if at all possible, a little love and light this way couldn't hurt.

Hell, even if it did hurt a little, it would be worth it to just learn the lesson this time!

What am I missing? How do I get off this hard mode setting so that I can recharge and take a break

Are WE there YET?!?!

Thank you all so much for reading! Until next time...