It’s kinda crazy to admit that I really didn’t know shit about ADHD until I was nearly 40. I did have some rather basic preconceptions & biases about what it was & wasn’t, though. And, perhaps it’s some sorta mark of maturity to be able to come around and humbly admit: I was wrong.
My exposure to information on ADHD was extremely limited while growing up. My closest cousin had been diagnosed & put on meds in elementary, though I never asked much about it. By the time I hit my teens, coming into independent thought & a rebellious attitude, I could at least grasp the common stereotype of the kid “bouncing off the walls who can’t focus in school” - though took the stance, of course not every single kid is gonna sit still in an indoctrination camp to focus on a bunch of bullshit irrelevant to his/her actual life.’ Cognitive bias kicked in, and that conclusive belief became my replacement for an actual well-informed understanding of ADHD.
Perhaps around the same time, I started seeing the rackets of “big pharma” - adding into my self-righteous thought-terminating cliché of a belief, ’putting kids on drugs ain’t right, nor a “solution.”’ My black-and-white stance on pharmaceuticals remained firm for decades, caring little to educate myself on the wider spectrum of truth that despite much corruption in the industry, there have certainly been developments in medicine that do, at times, both save lives and drastically improve quality of living for people living with thousands of health/medical conditions I knew nothing of. The beauty of youthful arrogance.
While the ego may have gotten some smug satisfaction in feeling smarter than the entire western medical system, convinced of the position that ADHD was merely a label slapped on kids by repressive, control-seeking institutions when they didn’t fit into the conventional mold of “normal” standards, some arbitrary benchmark designed to foster conformity to systems in which people could be trained/programmed to be good little slaves & economic producers, life sometimes only lets us get so far with ignorance. Eventually, growth & evolution into maturity & wisdom require confronting our misinformed beliefs and deconstructing our egoic attitudes to let in the light of Truth.
For as much I may have held to those beliefs about what ADHD is and what pharmaceutical treatments for it represented, I was wrong.
Whether it was a matter of information on ADHD becoming more widely available these days or simply a consequence of social media algorithms, the topic started hitting my feeds a couple years ago. There were alot of reflections to my own experience. However, I remained skeptical - questioning the degree to which many people may have been quick to blame/attribute things on/to ADHD as an easy cop-out; and also, how much may simply be a byproduct of how many brains are getting rewired in this day & age of decreasing attention spans, trained by social media on short-form content designed for dopamine hacking that’s had several detrimental effects that may overlap with symptoms/expressions of ADHD.
Having been into Human Design these past years, I also viewed potential misdiagnoses through its lenses - again, the contrast of unique individual experiences against that of societal/cultural/institutional “norms.” Open head center, no surprise distractibility might be natural/expected. Manifesting Generator, no shit I’m gonna start lots of different things and not finish all - especially during my twenties as a 6 line with all its trial-and-error. 12-22 channel, “in the mood… or not” - as well as just the basic premise of correctness and sacral guidance for Generators - there’s gonna be energy for certain things, not for others, and it’ll come & go in its own ebbs & flows; no need to gaslight anyone as having a “disorder” because it can’t be turned on at will, bent to every desire of the programmed mind & ego. Open heart/ego/will center, there’ll be the temptation for not feeling one’s enough and insecurity/worth issues that are bound to overlap with some experiences people attribute to ADHD - no reason to bend the knee to psychiatric typecasting, only the challenge to recognize the dynamics of our genetic makeup, decondition from homogonized programming, and recalibrate to our correct modus operandi. And on-and-on we could go with different aspects of Human Design, linking the outcomes of operating incorrectly and without awareness to certain things people belief are a consequence of ADHD. After all, everyone displays/experiences some symptoms of ADHD some of the time - so ‘who’s to conclusively say what specific threshold of what combo of them constitute a diagnosis, versus it all just being some subjective fuckery reinforcing the idea of “normal” vs. “not-normal” serving the dogma of “modern” institutionalized “health care” and financial interests of big pharma.
So, I let it go for a while. And then, it started cycling back around in the YouTube & Instagram feeds. This time, at a different phase of my life.
This next cycle of reflections offered in others’ accounts of their own ADHD experiences, there seemed a greater resonance & confrontation. Perhaps part “midlife crisis,” it was not a high point in my life (roughly summer 2023). I still wasn’t making much progress “moving on” from a separation approaching 4 years ago; it’d been nearly a year & half of a “depression;” I was finally in acceptance that I burned out 5 years ago and stuck in patterns/habits perpetuating it; my relationship with producing music was dysfunctional AF and demanding a break, in spite of it being what I’ve always been working towards focusing on most; and while I’d lived in a busyness effectively distracting from foundational things that perhaps were never working for me, energy was running out to try keeping old coping mechanisms alive that had past their expiry date. The amount of friction characterizing my days was becoming increasingly painful to the point it could no longer be ignored. And there was alot being spoken in others’ ADHD tales that felt like such a crystal-clear mirror, my ignorance & biases towards it were rapidly losing their weight. Something here needed proper exploration.
I took it slow. Double-questioning everything. Yet, I was humbled - presented with a choice: I could cling to the beliefs I held for decades, or embrace the possibility that I was wrong - not only about ADHD & meds in general, but that I, myself, could be/have ADHD.
I had never even considered it, not fitting the “bouncing off walls” stereotype and always doing well in school as a “smart kid.” But here I was, staring the possibility in the face as it potentially provided alot of answers and could make sense of many experiences throughout my life that I was at this point of vulnerably acknowledging weren’t working. Piecing things together over the couple years since it first hit my radar, and connecting yet more dots near the end, I was about 95% sure I fit the bill (if self-diagnosing). As hitting a low in the fall, with many sleep-disturbed nights by a restless soul approaching two years in a funk, it was nearing time for the formal diagnosis.
The “Ferrari brain with brakes of a bicycle...”
When I heard that metaphor (again), I knew it was time. That so hit home. But, add in a defective clutch, gearshift, and accelerator. Especially pertaining to my conflicts with music production, it was as if I went full-throttle into Ableton so many times only to end up crashing head-first into walls at 200km/h, I’ve practically been left with CPTSD, fearful of even touching it again. With the combination of impatience & emotional dysregulation common to ADHD, I couldn’t count how many times I’ve blown fuses in frustration as hitting all sorts of tiny glitches, speedbumps and obstacles - turning me off the one thing I’ve always wanted to do the most. If there was a way to actually get that Ferrari brain tuned up and operating correctly, I couldn’t afford not to.
I still didn’t like the idea of meds - which were, of course, the next step if diagnosed. Getting to the point of even considering them was a journey. But, over the course of listening to & reading many people’s experiences, I had to admit that if I were to receive even half the benefits others have, they’d be life-changing… in ways that woulda been optimal a couple decades ago.
While others may experience their unique challenges to different degrees and benefits of the psychostimulant treatments in different ways, there was a metaphor that many use: ”it was like putting on glasses for the first time.” Though my initial greatest motivation for opening to the possibility to testing out meds may have been the prospect of reengaging with music production in a healthier, more sustainable way, the curiosity grew: what if it were the same for me? Could I even imagine what it’d be like, having ‘lived without glasses’ my entire life? What might the implications be?
As weary as I was, still distrusting of the pharmaceutical industry & western doctors, I felt as though I owed it to my potential to at least test out. And I was also cautious that there might be some part of me that just wanted a quick fix with magic pill or to delegate anything to “big pharma” that was ultimately my responsibility. Which was perhaps a good starting point - not expecting too much and maintaining a healthy amount of skepticism & doubt, while also open to at least seeing if there might be upsides that made it worthwhile.
The diagnosis was pretty straightforward. An initial consultation, and the doc sending me a few assessment forms to complete. In true ADHD style, I latched onto the idea someone from Reddit suggested of making a list of ways I experience it… that ended up taking two months and 38 pages to complete. For all the “shadow work” I thought I did, amidst the personal development and new-age stuff, this was another level - some real brutal self-honesty about all the ways the various aspects of executive dysfunction, time-blindness, hyperfocus, emotional dysregulation, social challenges, etc. have played out. (Simultaneously as burning through nearly a dozen books on ADHD, using their content as stimulus to draw out more points for the list). Once finally submitted, there was no “ifs, ands, or buts” about it. ADHD confirmed with an official diagnosis.
That process of self-reflection & confession was humbling as fuck.
Requiring a surrender of my long-held ideas of what ADHD was, it did. I was wrong. But that admission was easy compared to the hard look in the mirror. Seeing myself as the vulnerable human being I am, rather than the grandiose self-image I concocted as a coping mechanism. Taking account of just how much struggle & hardship I’ve been through consequential of ‘disabilities’ I wasn’t even aware of at the time. How much energy I expended deep-diving down dead ends. All the social difficulties, awkwardness, and bridges burned. How self-destructive the repression & mismanagement of the “hyper” intensity ended up. How much friction and struggle I’ve lived with unnecessarily. How directly responsible I was for the unconscious implosion of my marriage. Etc, etc, etc.
And then, there was the humbling of the medication…
I was nervous AF at the prospect of starting meds. Though I’d been on break from music for 8 months, felt like my whole life had pretty much been on hold while prioritizing this whole exploration, and kinda liked the idea of getting things back on track with the Ferrari brain functioning properly, the anti-pharma bias was rooted deep; and the uncertainty of what portal I was about to enter, unnerving. But, “commitment.” The mind’s & ego’s reservations aside, as per my Human Design Strategy & Authority of sacral response & waiting for clarity, it was an “uh huh” - and the clarity was there.
It took no more than 90 minutes on Day One to see the benefits.
As I drove into the Starbucks parking lot about an hour after my first 20mg dose of Vyvanse, I noticed a subtle increase in clarity, sharpness, crispness. Different, especially for early in the morning - whereas I typically almost write days off, feeling rather spacey and rarely even fully with it until the evenings. And once settling in with a tea for the routine of writing, bouncing back & forth between social media and other random internet diversions… wow.
If looking at navigating those different online spaces through the iPad as driving through a city, it was like being in full, conscientious control of a finely tuned Mercedes - smooth brakes & shifting, accelerating & slowing down cleanly - powerful in the precision… compared to what my “normal” would be like: screeching, swerving & drifting, around corners haphazardly, shakily pushing the limits of a vehicle years overdue for a tuneup, driven in a haze/stupor. No distractions on long tangents; and/or the ability to quickly refocus and consciously pull attention back at will. When tripping into thoughts and/or emotions that’d usually spiral into anxiety territory, the capacity to pause and redirect constructively. No over-the-top superhuman feats like part of me hoped for comparable to the NZT pill from Limitless, but just a clear, concise focus & control one would expect a normal human being to have - yet was almost oddly foreign.
Or later once at home, as moving through the house doing random tasks… whereas it had been quite common to go upstairs for something only to forget what it was by the time I got there, I could get ‘sidetracked’ with the thought to do something else in the middle of another task - but actually consciously choose it, do it and another one, and return back on course easily without the usual lag/delay of trying to remember what I was doing and entirely reorient myself again. Holy jeezus.
One other highly notable observation: whereas I always included listening to music in my mix of multitasks, digging for gems on SoundCloud with a quality of addictive-compulsivity - seeking the dopamine highs of a good find and scattering reactively to narrow the dips of many crappier songs taking up much of the process - there was a whole different level of patience and relaxedness. With the Vyvanse bringing dopamine levels back up near “normal,” there was no longer any need to chase the highs and trip out over the dips - something I didn’t even realize how much time & energy it consumed until this contrastive experience. When finding a good tune, it was simply in the background to enjoy while writing or whatever - rather than being dependent upon it for fleeting relief from an empty dopamine tank. When crappier tune… sometimes I didn’t even realize it until later, not being as phased by the dip it’d usually correspond to; simple easy switch over to change it, then back to the main task of focus. Similarly with the frequent flips over to Instagram… which have become less & less frequent. With stable dopamine levels, the appeal of quick-hit dopamine fixes on social media quickly wore off - to the point that not even interested in the same way, versus compulsively jumping for them previously. Incredibly subtle, but game-changing.
I can’t say I had the huge “putting on glasses for the first time” moment of clarity on Day One; but over the week and as paying closer attention to the subtle differences, they became more apparent - and while not a massive difference as would be the case for someone with a heavy prescription like a +-2.5 or greater, I could totally relate to something like a +-1.50 or 1.75. Especially as noticing in the later evenings once the Vyvanse wore off and the restlessness kicked back in, unable to focus at reading or sitting still, and the “normal” spaciness/haziness returning. And when I went for the contrast of a day off after six on… that was the point I fully admitted: I was wrong about ADHD medications.
I knew shit all about the actual neurological & biochemistry differences in the brains of people with ADHD… until I did. I projected ignorant biases, pretending like all pharmaceuticals were just some money-grab, with ADHD being a label slapped on people not conforming to norms to rationalize selling more drugs… until I was put in my place. Even in the couple years leading up to my own diagnosis and trying meds, while slowly replacing my ignorance with education, I held onto my skepticism & doubt that drugs actually could be of benefit… until I had the actual, direct experience for myself.
I was wrong.
As for the humbling… well, I’m still kinda wrestling those old biases & beliefs. There’s still part of me that’s stubborn AF. That doesn’t want to accept or admit “I need glasses,” that wants to remain in the delusion of superhuman strength & invulnerability. The effects of the Vyvanse are sometimes so subtle, I question if it’s really doing anything at all or the benefits are just placebo. But then, come the days off - seeing the contrast; returning to my “normal,” wrestling with the friction, reminded of how frustratingly difficult so many of the small, simple things in daily life have been. I hate the idea of being reliant or dependent upon anything coming from the pharmaceutical industry. Yet the days off, it’s like, ”fuck, I really lived like this on a daily basis for decades?“ Some days on, I question the benefits, as couldn’t even tell if someone gave me it without knowing; but off, come the reminders of why I walked down this path in the first place. And as subtle a difference it may be, it is one of feeling like a reasonable healthy, functional, capable human being with the Vyvanse… and off, feeling like a subtly spacey, sloppy, scattered mess incapable of what adulthood entails no matter how much I scramble to try cope & compensate to convince myself & others otherwise.
It’s humbling because not only was I wrong, but a whole world I ignorantly condemned has opened doors for me to experience life with a far greater degree of ease & clarity than I knew or thought possible - and in doing so, has shone light on the amount of friction & struggle I’ve spent decades in, ignorantly & incapable of ‘solving/fixing’ on my own. It’s humbling because not only did my egoic desire for total independence & sovereign empowerment inevitably have to mature to accept my human weaknesses & frailties it so wanted to be above, but the help with/for them just happened to come from the realm of modern neuroscience & medicine the ego had turned into an antagonist.
It’s humbling because I’ve passed a point of no return: while it’s possible to choose holding onto beliefs of “big pharma” as the bad guy and ADHD as a label used to institutionally gaslight people as “disordered” to rationalize drugging them - beliefs I’ve held so deeply - it would only come at the cost of my own suffering. Yeah, I could be stubborn, insist I get by “fine” without meds, and go back to business as usual - which was not working for me - or wisely humble myself, admit I was wrong, and be grateful for modern science/medicine to have developed something that works quite well to increase my quality of life with little-to-no downsides.
(And none of this is to suggest that the Vyvanse is an all-encompassing “solution” or fix-all. Of course, there is still much that is my responsibility to change & work on, with or without it. Nor is the appreciation for the increased ease & reduced challenges it helps with to imply “taking the easy road,” as some might suggest we ‘grow through challenge’ and it’s a cop-out to avoid it; but rather, I refer to the type of challenges that only a fool would stubbornly endure to prove some stupid point out of ego. Someone requiring the technological assistance of glasses to see 20/20 is not necessarily dependent upon them as a permanent end-point solution, but would be wise to embrace what they can help with - providing a new starting point from which to live with their advantages; there is no merit to denying them, no matter one’s beliefs about ‘challenge making a person strong’ or whatever egoic bullshit some might use to rationalize judgement of “the easy route” in such situations.)
In spite of all expressed above, it’s still going to take some time to make peace with all this. As apparent as the results are and speak for themselves, that inner conflict with the old beliefs has raged on - along with anticipation/expectation of meeting resistance/opposition from others who are of the same beliefs I used to be, whether directly as I express it or simply on an energetic level, impersonally at the level of collective consciousnesses. (Maybe that’s karma - reaping what I sowed, sitting on the other side of the fence as the judged after decades judging.)
It’s not all something I particularly want to take on as part of my identity, as many others have fully embraced the ADHD label and put themselves out on social media as it. But at the same time, it is part of who I am. Whether “am” it or “have” it, regardless of where the term ADHD came from and how it’s been propagated, it is something that describes part of my experience in this human incarnation - and there’s something to be said for the value of “Know Thyself” and self-acceptance.
Blah, blah, blah.
Maybe I got duped by some grand pharma conspiracy to push amphetamines, distracted & seduced by the YouTube & IG algorithms into a lifelong dependence on drugs. Maybe ADHD is an actual thing afterall and modern medicine isn’t all bad, but actually helps some of us with different brain chemistry immensely. Maybe this is just a phase of exploration, I’ll get what I need, there’ll come a time when the Vyvanse helped me build some new habits, and I’ll leave it behind. Who knows.
But to circle back to key message of this piece: I was wrong. And that’s okay. What the fuck are we here for if not to evolve - which includes transcending belief to refine our discernment to nuances requiring awareness of to better understand where we are in this crazy complex quantum sea of a universe and navigate our journeys through it a little more harmoniously. As much as the ego might not like to admit when we’re wrong, it can be a tremendous sign of growth & maturity.
And with growth & maturity, come profound gifts not accessible when clinging to judgements of that we fail to understand.
So let’s fucking evolve. (Or not…you choose for you. Even the dumbass lazy motherfuckerz slow-suiciding themselves with junk food, corporate propaganda, narcissitic self-indulgence, and toxic dogmatic fundamentalism of various sorts apparently have their place in this larger puzzle of life, too.)
Or some shit.
We are complete.
And so it is.
