The winds of change are blowin'...
The countdown to the closing of my current life chapter has been in effect a while, knowing I'd be outta the slopeside setup in Revelstoke at the end of this snowboard season. I did know it'd come quick. And indeed, it has.
I ought to be used to bouncing around by now, having done it alot over the last 25 years. Yet I've never felt as unsettled & kinda 'nervous' as this time. I'd never thought about it when younger, but there was a trust in life as leaping from one location to the next, along with excitement at the new adventures. It sucks to confess I ain't been feeling the same this time - but rather, almost plagued with an existential dread over the uncertainty of what & where comes 2+ steps ahead.
Of course, priorities & values change with age. Stability, looking more appealing than rapid movement & stimulation. Control, preferred over the unpredictability that comes with change - chasing dopamine highs in unchartered territory, less appealing as the reality checks of the very real limitations on time & energy hit home.
And of course, life doesn't always bend to our preferences. Especially the ones that'd have us in the driver's seat of life, avoiding change and its uncertainties.
Surely, there's some benefit in that too. It'd be all too easy to stay put in comfort zones were we not subject to forces of evolution outside our control. Perhaps we need that kick out the door every now & then, for otherwise we'd keep clinging to the known, no matter the degree to which there is some part of us longing for something different.
I loved Revelstoke... the first time here.
The rental rate was a stretch, but the gondola at some of Canada's best riding out the front door was well-worth it. And that first season during CONVID... so quiet, so good. It was a primo setup - cozy hermit cave, in which to heal from the imploded marriage and undergo a phase of musical creation, while somewhat living my teen dream of snowboarding every day. And yeah, the second season - being denied access to riding & basically exiled from society for not partaking in an unsafe & uneffective medical experiment - was different. But anyways... nothing lasts forever. And when the opportunity to stay closed, I left... while planting seeds for a return. Which happened a year later.
Second time... haven't loved it as much, tbh.
Energy in the different unit hasn't been as on-point. 35% cost bump was alot... and has become increasingly heavy (along with maxed fiat credit), the longer a crypto bull run has been delayed. The vibe of the resort has changed - busier. Much busier. All those spots I'd be riding pow lines days after a dump, now fully tracked out by 11am. The novelty of the unconventional living arrangement, wearing off. The usual conversations with people passing through the tourist destination, no longer fun & ego-gratifying but kinda hollow, repetitive & exhausting. The town feeling too small & understimulating. Still all-in-all a pretty decent comfort zone... but too conducive to a degree of stagnative hermitude that's clearly feeling counterproductive - more like I've pushed the limits of solitary confinement to excess than 'made the most of' a quiet period of rejuvenation.
Yes, there's still been benefits & upsides. Finally settling into some sustainable routines. Finding a way to consistently, harmoniously engage with music (after years of banging my head against the wall approaching it logically & forcefully). Constructive changes with health protocols, nutrition, and X3 resistance training - finally seeing & feeling results. Continued deconditioning/deprogramming, chiseling away at the refinement of my inner foundation, transforming beliefs & attitudes subtly but significantly. No doubt, there's been growth in this container, albeit not dramatically gradiose or sexy. (Though some who see my before & after pics might disagree. Lol. 😼) But... there come points where containers are outgrown.
When the owner of my condo rental informed a year ago of her plans to sell, I knew that was the nudge towards the next chapter. There was no, "maybe I'll just look for another unit here." I could feel the winds of change. I couldn't deny that part of me wants and needs more outta life than is available here. And as the year's progressed - no matter the unsettled & unease over the uncertainty of what/where next may be, no matter though part of me would prefer to just stay in this comfort zone in spite of not feeling truly alive - there's an ache for forms of nourishment that are only available elsewhere.
It's been humbling to the ego, embracing the next step: back to the hometown, to spend some time with parents.
Yeah, it's not exactly "moving back in with parents," out of necessity. Rather, a conscious, deliberate choice - temporary, practical, and even at some level, desired. I've enjoyed time with my parents, the older I get. That home has always served as a suitable decompression chamber at transition points when going back. There hasn't been any second-guessing it's the right move. Nonetheless, "living with parents at 42" ain't exactly on the bucket list - and even if it's temporary and desired, there's an aspect of ego that feels like it's a defeat. The layers of ego death never cease... perhaps a "good" thing, ultimately.
And while there are mixed feelings, I do feel it'll be good. Quality connection with them while it's still possible, appreciable. And especially after such extreme hermitude... much needed. Cutting back living costs for a while after (what feels like) overextending myself in Revy... relief. The piano to play... yep. The cat... 🥰 The morning sun tanning in hammock with feet on bare grass... yes, please. The pressure lifted of having to cook everything for myself... grateful. All-in-all, it may still be something of a comfort zone - but one offering a different spectrum of nourishment... which I do feel will be great.
Granted, the mind is often a relentless beast with its inability to be still & present. And the question still lurks: then what...? Where & what next? And in the absence of a firm, clear answer, exists that ceaseless temptation to fill that vacuum with more spinning in anxieties.
One possible answer has been in the field of awareness for a while: Kelowna. But... timing. It's a specific condo in my sights (along with a cost that still feels too high at this point), and thus rental availability outside of my control.
Also, there's something of a revolution happening in my home province of Alberta, with a referendum taking place in October - the result of which could turn Alberta into its own independent country. Should that happen, it's a wave I may want/need to ride - clean exit from obligations to the corrupt Canadian federal system I don't align with, opening opportunities to structure my finances with greater privacy, freedom, and lower tax costs. Thus, hesitancy to commit to Kelowna (in the province of British Columbia) prior to that clarity of outcome.
And, there's still been a lingering itch for Asia... which feels like would be wise to scratch, prior to throwing down a whole bunch more money on committing to another base.
Of all the nourishment I've been starving for, there's surely none greater than that of cheap, daily massage and mindblowingly good, convenient, cheap food. And nowhere else to get it besides SE Asia.
Oddly, it's been one particular destination that's managed to keep my interest for some time now: Bangkok.
I first went to Thailand at 23, falling in love during 4 months in Samui, Koh Phagnan, and Phuket... then returning to Phuket a year later, planning to live there permanently. Plans didn't quite work out - instead of making millions with forex trading, racking up what credit card debt allowed 7 months there before returning to Canada, well-primed for bankruptcy. Though most sadly, the departure seemed to come with closing my heart to the remembrance of how much I loved it there, looking forward rather than back at the heartbreak of saying goodbye to a girlfriend & dream life there in the rear-view mirror.
I'd only done 2 or 3 days in Bangkok at the very start of my first trip. And while I'd briefly returned to the Land Of Smiles on an unofficial honeymoon years later, we'd only done a couple days in Bangkok. The city never made that much of an impression on me, and I was never a "big city person." But whether a consequence of engaging YouTube's algorithms feeding recommendations of expat living in BKK, "intuitive guidance," or just plain old curiosity, there's been a steadily-growing fascination.
The escapist postcard-perfect fantasy of idyllic beaches doesn't do what it used to for me, and it could be a reaction to the extremity of my hermitude in the mountains that's piqued' interest in what it'd be like to jump to the opposite extreme of such a lively world-class metropolis. Either way, the more I've seen of what all Bangkok has to offer from a distance, the greater the intrigue at the endless treasures to be found in that city - especially the food. To my tastes, there is no better culinary bliss than that of Thai food. And where else in the world can you find not just endless gems of street food stalls and world-class restaurants of every variety, but mall food courts with 17 Michelin star restaurants in them.
Truthfully, I don't feel I'm a big travel person. Thailand felt like a one-off... and the second time, more relocation than "travel." Similar with my 5 years in Bali. And the Thailand / Hong Kong honeymoon and month in Europe... kinda more stressful than fully enjoyable, actually. I did not like the logistics of getting around, especially. So the prospect of navigating a huge foreign city like Bangkok was pretty intimidating, initially. Yet, having taken it slow over months of casual contemplation has allowed time for calibrating an approach that feels manageable. Months of intermittently bookmarking stuff in Google Maps, getting an idea of which areas would be most suitable to flow. Observing from a distance to get a feel for what locations would likely be most harmonious with my wants & needs, what types of plans & routines might reduce unnecessary friction and be conducive to a familiarity & ease I could relax into. Tiny, digestible exposure & engagement. And months later, it all feels less intimidating - and more sustainably 'exciting' as having mapped things out to get a proper sense of what's what & where
And to my surprise, something's been happening that I totally didn't foresee coming: I've been learning the Thai language.
I can't even recall exactly how it started. For years, I nixed the possibility of going back to live or spend extended amounts of time in Thailand for the sole reason the language seemed completely inapproachable. Indonesian was easy enough to pick up the basics, using the same alphabet as English; but the seeming complexity of Thai's tones and script read like a conclusive "access denied" signal to my brain. Yet somehow, I dipped my toes into the possibility of learning - perhaps with some super basic questions to ChatGPT - and ended up crawling at a snail's pace in the direction...
First, I resolved to just simply listening to the tones, with no expectations or pressure. Rather than surrendering to overwhelm upon facing a tonal language, wondering if I might somehow bridge my neural capacities from music in the endeavor, approaching it from a sort of musical perspective, refining my perceptibility to the low, mid, high, rising, and falling tones. Having gotten a one-off Netflix subscription to watch a couple shows and unable to find much else of interest, focus flipped to some Thai shows. Something activated. Not just in opening wider to the possibility of learning the language, but perhaps even a subtle "heart opening" of sorts. Not just from the exposure to the language, but once again to the culture, people, and heart of them that speaks through it.
I've been going slow... and, it feels that pace has worked. No "disciplined structure," "commitments" or "goals" - approaches that'd typically have me firing strong out of the gate only to burn out very quickly. Just small, steady exposure at an organic pace. Switching time on YouTube from all sorts of random crap I was tiring of anyways to mini beginner lessons. Resolving to keep as slow as needed to get the foundation of the consonant & vowel scripts and pronunciation engrained before trying to progress into much else. Downloading some Thai learning apps and doing a few basic modules here & there while on the toilet. Enjoying the tiny victories of actually being able to decipher syllables & words, even if not knowing meanings yet, learning a few basic words, and stringing them together in basic sentences as practicing proper pronunciation. And of course, the enthusiasm waxing & waning with overwhelm as going back to listening to Thai shows & music, feeling like I'm in way over my head and deluding myself to think fluency could ever be a possibility when still crawling my way through pre-kindergarden level. Lol.
For sure, it's been humbling, coming back to the level of a complete beginner. But also, fun. As much as ego may not always like the experience of accepting a child is more capable than itself at something like language-learning, there's also a child-like curiosity as exploring such a completely new system, discovering its basic building-blocks, and how to put them together like Legos. Especially knowing the experience such effort to learn the basics opens up in somewhere like Thailand - whereas trying to speak basic French in France would likely impart no particular favorable impression at all to the locals, the same in Thailand so frequently evokes enthusiastic smiles, appreciation and encouragement... not merely a means of translation/communication, but meaningful heart-to-heart connection. There's something satisfying about putting in this effort to unlock the code to that. As much as the ego might feel slightly retarded during some evening walks while talking to myself with the vocabulary of a two-year-old, it's kinda fun to practice some fundamentals that'll allow for even the most simple bargaining, banter & flirting when the time comes.
And, I also gotta have a good laugh at myself... once the Netflix month was done, turning to ChatGPT for suggestions on free streaming services with Thai shows... ending up on one, questioning why there seemed so many gay shows - telling ChatGPT I didn't want that shit... only realizing later that was the service's specialty after having started a "girl love" show... binging & loving it... and now on my third. Lol. Hitting the heart-strings, man. I can't deny my adoration of cute, beautiful asian girls... alot of the Korean rom-coms are great, but trading out the male star for another female cutie and the dynamic of doubling up the cuteness and tenderness of asian women glowing in their radiant feminine... game over, man. I can't resist. All in the name of learning the language, of course. 😹
Even in spite of the glimmers of inspiration at the prospect of Bangkok - the food adventures, moments of connection through the language, and massage... oh how horribly overdue I am for the massage - even while I may be enjoying the slow & steady process of learning the language, wrapping up mixing for an album, and enjoying my last days in Revelstoke... there's still a great deal of discomfort in the uncertainty...
'Am I really going back to Thailand??? For how long?? And then what/where?? Am I just gonna keep bouncing around indefinitely, tearing up what roots of consistency I established in routines the last couple years, with zero clarity on where I can establish some again next?? At what point do I come back and "settle" in Canada - and will I even want to? If Alberta doesn't separate, it'll be an easy choice to do Kelowna when timing aligns... but if not...?'
'Am I fated to this kind of nomadic instability & ungroundedness? Will crypto ever rise enough to buy property and establish an actual base anywhere? Would it just turn into a prison even if so? A condo in Kelowna feeling confining & heavy as part of me would prefer to be in Asia, resenting how much more I could've bought for the same $ there; a villa in Bali just as equally a beautiful prison as retreating from the heat, surrounding busyness of traffic and narcissistic influencer crowds; Bangkok, no way year-round with the air pollution, and the islands not having the full combo of what needed & wanted either...? Will there ever be any arrangement of home base(s) that check all the boxes and bring peace with whatever relationship(s) with tax regimes are required?'
The mind & ego want answers... when none can be had. They want to strategy & optimize... when there are too many unknowns and shifting tides. They want confidence & certainty that "things will work out..." while actually deeply distrusting they can/will.
And that is the real clincher.
Part of me questions if I'm looking to Thailand, subconsciously hoping to find part of myself I left/lost there - though my current strategic approach of hyperdiligently mapping out the city & planning routines is such a complete opposite extreme to the absolutely carefree 'go without any plan at all' way I did it the first time. If latching onto the idea of Kelowna, clinging to an idea of what life might be like if it had the same positive feelings anchored into memories there before. If the idea of hopping on the train of an independent Alberta is ultimately a new escapist strategy/fantasy - appealing because I don't trust that remaining in Canada can bring the best outcome(s). Meanwhile, wondering if leaving the comfort zone and leaping into the unknown of Thailand may be exactly what I need to discover that life can be trusted again. If following that draw to Kelowna in spite of political misalignments & tax/financial strategizing would ultimately lead somewhere far more peaceful & satisfying than motivations coming from "prepare for collapse" rather than "follow your bliss."
And yada, yada, yada. Blah, blah, blah. Those loops go on & on. And while it's tempting to think, "time will reveal answers," that's probably an illusion - the loops just morphing & adapting over time, with new/different conditions & circumstances being the new subjects of projection for the same fears & uncertainties.
Maybe, while these grand answers the mind & ego want can't be had, I am on track to unveiling the smaller ones that actually count...
Maybe the step back to spending time with parents and cat will get me out of the head and back into heart enough to silence the loops. (Or rather, not a matter of "silence them," but shift states.) Maybe the piano and barefoot-grounding sun tanning will put some of the noise to rest as back in the body. Maybe the relief of pressure with daily massages in Thailand, enjoyment of unreal amazing food 3+ times a day and immersion in a culture known for its warmth & smiles will provide a nourishment I've been starved for... putting much of the stress over future outcomes to ease as finding peace & satisfaction in each day's nourishing blessings - rather than trying to logically optimize & strategize a perfect life arrangement in compensation for basic needs not being met, actually just living again as exploring new environments and appreciating the soul-enriching basics they provide.
And if not... well, the uncontrollable would never have been controllable anyways.
And maybe there is no "right answers," but only choice.
Surely, I've been obsessing over what is the "right/correct" choice - and perpetuating my own suffering over the belief/feeling like I could get it wrong. Though maybe the "answers" or "correct choice" is right in front of me, actually rather blatantly obvious - self-evident in the direction I've been feeling drawn towards. In the love for family that exists no matter how stubbornly independent I might wanna be, that makes going back to spend time with parents the obvious next step. In whatever force it may be that's overcome a conclusion "I could never learn Thai" and actually, organically put my body into motion to do it. In the actual direction life is taking, no matter the ceaseless fluctuation of thoughts, feelings, and bad habits of wasting immense amounts of time attempting to strategize better/alternatives long-term paths.
It's humbling, facing the fear that's there over stepping into the unknown. There was a period of time years ago where I honestly felt like I had no fears... them BAM... haha, nice try. And really, it's essentially a fear of leaving the familiarity of isolation to go back out into the world and live again. Fears of surrendering to the temptations of women in Thailand and ending up submerged in shadows. Fears of aimlessly drifting/wandering yet further 'off track,' blowing my time & energy in directions of disservice to my soul... even though that's probably what I've already kinda been doing with such loops of overthinking & fears in isolation. Fears of getting swept up in tides and losing what control I have... even though that control may keep me "safe," but not feeling truly alive. Etc, etc, etc.
Maybe it's simply time to tell the mind & ego to STFU, sit back down in their place, and enjoy the ride.
Or some shit. Wtf do I know.
Ramble complete.
If you made it this far, I hope there was something of value reflected in it. While I may have been speaking to/of/through my personal experience, there are no doubt alot of us on this planet right now going through both our own and shared experiences around embracing, accepting, and navigating uncertainty. The old is breaking down - both external systems upon which we've relied and the internal ways of thinking & being we've become accustomed to. Whether shaken by external events or rattled by transformations in our personal worlds, the winds of change are a blowin', alright. And no one is exempt from their effects...
And IF something herein provided even a glimmer of inspiration or familiarity as you recognized something of your own experience in it, in a way that felt to be of value - or just had a good chuckle at some dude confessing to watching Thai lesbian dramas to learn the language... I'm honored to have had the opportunity to share (in) it... 🙏
