It's been over a decade since Steemit first launched.
Jeezus. Wtf have I been doing with my life this whole time...??
'They say' time goes by faster & faster as you age, but it's something else actually experiencing it.
And I can't pretend to not have at least a little trace of some existential crisis as reflecting on the question of where the last decade has gone.
T'was a whole different world, a decade ago - 'living a dream' on the Island Of The Gods, engaged, still bright-eyed about what wonders life had to offer. Money was scarce, but life was abundant in other treasures - love, creativity, enthusiasm, excitement, curiosity, potential. I had no expectations for what following an instinct to write on Steemit would bring, not knowing it'd be financial rewards that'd change life significantly.
And here, a decade later, still living off the fruit of what had been grown with those rewards - albeit some serious ups & downs and alot of self-masochistic uncertainty throughout - in many ways, I feel I was far richer back then, with far less.
Of that decade, the first half year was a wrap-up in Bali. Marriage. Saying goodbye to the life I once dreamed of and made happen, returning to Canada. Three, went to the marriage. What all else during that time... hard to account for - bit of snowboarding, making music, I don't even really know what else. Then, boom. Marriage imploded. Blinked, and here we are 6.5 years later. Some back & forth between parents' in hometown and couple times living another dream in skiside condo, slowly making music, surfing all sorts of hyperfocus waves down stupid rabbit holes... and feel like not a whole lot to show for it, to be fully honest. Days blurred into weeks, months flew by, and bam. Different world. One with an unshakeable sense of dread over what the fuck I've spent all this time on... and how fast the rest of what time I have left will go, without any clearer sense of direction, purpose or meaning.
So much to say. Where to even begin.
There's been this nagging sense lately: "I've forgotten how to LIVE."
It's weird, aging - deconditioning from all sort of youthful ideas that life's to be grabbed by the balls and made something of perfectly suited for highlight reels of hustle-bro cult demigods - sitting in a slower pace of where life has led, wondering if I've just become complacent & resigned... while so many of the old ego-driven motivations just don't have the same hold on me anymore.
Somehow, I possessed so much greater a sense of arrogant confidence when younger, full of answers and ambition... yet so much of that has eroded away over the decade, leaving more & more questions in the face of uncertainty. I went so many years feeling like a genius, inflated with grandiose bravo at all I could see back then... yet seem to feel more & more like a retard as of lately as seeing that the capacity to see does not translate to the capacity to act in all the ways ego would like to believe itself capable of for the 'manifestation' of its self-gratifying success story.
There's been freedom in releasing many worldly desires for "success" and "living large;" the immensely powerful draw towards hermitude over the last years has surely led to peace in many regards as choosing simplicity over karmic entanglements. Though there's also no denying part of that draw has been 'trauma response' - the isolation, becoming a comfort zone which has become as suffocating as it is of beneficial service; the 'simplicity,' as much a self-betrayal & compromise as an appreciated virtue.
But it's not as easy of an exit as mind would like to think. Expansion of awareness comes with the ability to deny how complicated things can be. "Solutions" aren't always as straightforward as self-help platitudes as unaccredited millenial life coaches faking rich lifestyles imply.
For all the "there are no limitations" soundbytes propagated throughout the 'law of manifestation' cult socials, maturity brings the unapologetic reality checks that there are indeed limitations we face as human. Significant ones.
Yet somewhere during this last decade of swinging from a head-in-clouds 'anything & everything is possible' delusionary overoptimism to the recoil into licking my wounds in a cozy hermit cave, I may have lost sight of the middle ground. I may have grown in wisdom as embracing certain limitations, realizing there's alot that can't be controlled - though whether it's ego or soul, some part of me can't stop questioning the degree to which I may have imprisoned myself through 'acceptance of limitations' rather than applying imagination & creativity to expand them.
"I've forgotten how to dream..." or, I'm not sure if that is the accurate way to put it. I dunno if it's a matter of 'forgotten,' or just stopped. The possibly troubling part, however, is a lack of desire to even try again. "What do I want?" I don't know. Crypto to finally reap harvest, so I can buy a condo, actually have a settled homebase, and travel comfortably without the persistent sense of scarcity I've been carrying with me all these years in spite of doing not all that bad, really. Ha... waiting, still, for externals outside of my control to change how I feel on the inside. And as though a prettier prison cell would make me that much happier in the isolation. But for real... all the grand things I thought I once wanted... meh. But even for the "simple" things I'd ask for, were there a genie to grant the wishes - part of me feels I'd still be settling, setting sights to low, asking for too little, doing my soul, others and the world a disservice by retreating into such a tiny container compared to the aspirations that once raged inside me.
And while the three months I've been back with parents has been alright - knowing it's temporary and appreciating it for what it is - the ebb & flow of cycles always pass a point of feeling like I'm drowning in mediocrity as stuck in mundane routine doing nothing to spark passion in my eyes. But I recognize it's not a point in life where the "go big or go home" inspirational fury fits anymore. I see the trap & futility of reacting from some space of trying to prove something by swinging to an opposite extreme as though I'd be a failure if not living up to the holy grail dogma of "make it happen" cult ideology evangelized by the type of 'entrepreneurial-minded' hustle-bro digital-nomad profile I once aspired to be. I can observe the part of my psyche that wants to "make moves" for the sake of going through the motions as though action for action's sake is the "right" thing to do... while knowing that even if I could fake the image of some impressive movement on the outside, it'd just be busyness for the sake of ego-gratification, while really just wandering, lost.
The whole "pick an inspiring goal and strive to make it happen" stuff just ain't doing it for me at this point. I ain't got no ideas of any business to build or specific creative projects that spark the type of drive in me to get any further than past the first 15 minutes of enthusiasm before it dies the fuck off. All the grandiose talk of "big dreams," "connecting with like-minded people," "lifestyle design," etc, etc... yawn. Been there, done that. Could not endure the embarrassment of putting myself through it again.
But what's left, here & now...? I ain't got an answer for that. Just a hella cold, uncomfortable void of uncertainty.
Which on its own, might not be all that bad. After all, life is full of uncertainty.
But, wtf have I been doing that makes life truly worth living in spite of that? That honest answer is a struggle.
Of course, it ain't all as bad as some of this dramatic framing may make it seem. Afterall, not everyone gets to live in the mountains and snowboard near 100 days a season. Or make music every day. And all those hyperfocus waves down weird rabbit holes are their own odd form of pleasure. But, there's alot of subtleties and nuance to the many layers of truth with anything.
Indeed, I have managed to keep myself occupied with things I enjoy these years, even if they may not seem as sexy and adrenaline-infused as Instagram culture has warped my brain into craving. Indeed, there have been many moments of quieter peace & satisfaction in some of the more mundane day-to-day rituals and slowly-paced consistency of working on my body & craft (music). Though, the clincher that it seems looping back to without resolution, which continually perturbs my spirit: the sense of waiting... indefinitely. Namely, on crypto.
And after a decade, it's getting tiring. The longer I wait, the more foolish I feel as the moon-Lambo fantasy fades, washed away by reality-check after reality-check.
It's been an unexpected surprise, learning Thai these last 5 months... and it'd be an even bigger surprise, were my hyperfocus to go in such a direction if not actually being prepared to go to Thailand. But when am I going...? I don't fucking know. Depends on crypto. How long will I be there for? I dunno. Maybe depends on crypto - when makes some moves enough to justify committing to coming back and renting a place in Kelowna, or try keep costs lower until that point by bouncing back & forth in Asia, ungrounded, motivated by scarcity rather than shifting into a more abundant state where might apply creativity towards building some new income stream. Fucking aduh.
It kinda freaks me out, observing how little faith I've had in my inherent capacity to generate wealth - how crypto has been thrust into the savior role in my narrative, as though all my stresses will be relieved with a turn of good fate as markets rise. Not a whole lot different from any other version of the savior archetypal patterning - some waiting for politicians to make changes that usher in a new era of prosperity, some waiting on galactic beings or a solar flash, others on the second coming of Christ as though that'll put an end to suffering on earth, etc, etc. Human psychology is kinda fucking weird in how we buy into all these different stories and expectations of someone or something outside of ourselves to strike like lightning and transform the world and our lives for the better, relieving us of the need for taking personal responsibility. And well, I guess I can't judge, since I've been engaging in my own form of that now for the last decade with crypto being the expected savior... while I've waited the decade away, possibly not much wiser or richer.
And it also kinda freaks me out how I took to the whole crypto narrative, embracing it as a means to an end in my life, of 'breaking out of the matrix' - no 9-to-5 for me, 'fuck that... financial freedom, baby!' YET, while the majority may be putting in hours at a job, putting away towards their retirement so they can enjoy a few years of retirement at the end of it all... here I am, tucked away in a hermit cave as a 43 year old in my parents' basement, skimming off as little as possible from my portfolio to pay the minimum on 3 maxed out credit cards each month, putting off life indefinitely for when 'crypto finally pops.' This ain't abundance. And I'm not fully convinced that my days spend on God only knows what rather than in paid service to others while waiting for the equivalent of retirement freedom is "having broken out of the matrix" anymore. On the contrary, it kinda just feels like more of harsh reality check that I'm still in it - waiting for investments instead of a lottery ticket to do the work for me, still just as much enslaved by/to money than anyone else I've judged.
Jeezus. Lol.
But again, it's not exactly black-or white. (Even though part of "the problem" is probably that my mind & ego persistently think in such terms.)
There still is something to be said for financial prudence. And it's not like I've been completely stingy - actually having spent alot more on alot of shit it'd have probably been smarter not too. And for all the lulls in the cycles here I feel understimulated and questioning whether I'm "putting life off" by not flying to Bangkok sooner until the logical justification of 'financial responsibility,' 'delayed gratification,' etc., there is no rush... and there's a strong sense it'd be rushed if went now.
A slower season staying with family might not be as exciting as launching forward full-throttle into some new exciting adventure, but there's a time & place for it. It's an opportunity that isn't going to be available for the rest of my life, the same way hopping on a plane at any time will be. Even if crypto eventually turned me into a billionaire, there'd come a point where no amount of money can buy more time with one's parents. And while I may have been quick to get away from them when younger, it's a weird reality coming back and realizing how fast they may coming to the end of their lives... and that they just won't be here anymore, in a blink of the eye. As much as the dopamine-seeker in me may be tempted to think chasing adventures & girls in Thailand might be "living" more than this, it could be all to easy to rush off hunting thrills only to look back with regret over having neglected to fully embrace some of life's slower, simpler, more mundane seasons - such as my current one.
And indeed, there are some slower-paced pleasures to be savored here. The quiet moments of communion with the cat - that alone, probably provides the heart & soul equal if not more satisfaction as there was living all by myself with the novelty of a fancy slopeside condo. The audiophile journey with headphones - something I wouldn't have been able to financially justify were I elsewhere with higher expenses at this time, yet has been so significantly satisfying as deepening my relationship with and rediscovering the passion for listening to music. (Oh boy, is there ever alot to write on that.) The process of learning Thai, especially at a pace without pressure - finding such simple unexpected joys some mornings listening to good Thai songs on repeat, and continually fascinated as observing/experiencing my heart slowly thaw as surrendering to the unusually funny fixation on/with Thai girl-love shows.
Yeah, a large part of me still has been waiting on crypto, as though certain arbritary price levels hold the key to once again living. And I continually cycle back to feeling/thinking it'd be "better" were I to be directing more of my creative energies towards creating some sort of different income stream, so as to 'take control of my destiny' rather than outsource timing to markets. There is fear of watching another decade disappear, ending up still waiting at the end of it while it could've been filled with far more soul-enriching experiences than passively sitting in a constrictive comfort zone.
But there's also a recognition of seasons, cycles, timing - that there is a perfection in/of what is right now. And that even though things may not look or feel like "progress" on the outside to the degree mind & ego think ought to be some superhuman standard, the embodied capacity to take things a bit slower, enjoy the simple things in this chapter as I have been, keeping satisfyingly engaged during the waiting is its own form of "success." Perhaps equally if not more priceless than what more money (or the "freedom" mind/ego thinks it represents) could buy.
Or some shit. Idfk.
So in summary... blah, blah, blah. Ha.
The mind has a fantastic eptitude for ruminating on "problems..." when perhaps it is frequently the actual source of them.
I often half-joke that I'm tiring of my 'quality first-world problems...' when sometimes all it takes is a shift of perspective to dissolve them and refocus on the blessings.
But of course, yin & yang. Maybe we need the tension of duality in this realm - the illusion of "problems" as contrast to better see & appreciate what's right in our lives. And equally, the dissatisfaction and questioning of how much more we could be (doing & capable of), to keep us from getting too cozy in comfort zones of appreciation for what is such that it'd render the evolutionary drive for growth inert.
Yada, yada, yada.
Though of course, in spite of the fears, I know that irregardless of how much control mind & ego might think I have over how things could go over the next decade, there's often far less within our control than we'd prefer... and that no matter how hard I might try to either preserve my comfort zones or push beyond them, life will be different another decade from now. And most likely, neither better nor worse - just different, with its own sets of ups & downs.
For all the theories and philosophies insisting how we ought to 'figure out what we want and go after it,' planning things out then 'making them happen,' perhaps *life just doesn't work like that - at least not for everyone, not all the time. Maybe none of us truly know wtf we're doing here, no matter how convincingly we tell ourselves otherwise as subscribing to belief systems that seem to provide some sense of comfort amidst the inevitable confrontations with all the uncertainty that exists in the human journey. Or maybe there are alot of people who are truly happy with the conventional paths society & culture have laid out for them, and I'm just an odd outlier who's never been able to 'fit in' and is karmically fated to these occasional mini-existential crises as drifting without a 'true north,' serving as laughing stock for some of y'all onlooking readers to whom these matters are far clearer and common sense. Idk.
And maybe there comes a point where we just need to accept we don't know. To simply forget trying to 'figure things out,' embrace what's been, let go of our attachments to how we'd like things to turn out, and return to that childlike presence we all once had as living in the moment, whatever it may contain.
Cuz the decades fly fast as fuck.
Some things within them, we can control. Many others, we can't. So any way they go, perhaps best to just enjoy them the most/best we can. Even if that means living in one's parents basement at 43, throwing stupid money into the audiophile rabbit hole, and getting hooked on Thai girl-love dramas. Sometimes ya gotta just embrace the comedy, rolling through the existential crises with what glimmers of joy come via the most unexpected sources. 🤷♂️
