Today was one of those days where I just laid on my bed, not willing to get up or do anything. I had woken up feeling sad and depressed and I honestly did not know where that feeling came from. This isn't the first time something like this is happening to me though, if you remember I once wrote a post talking about how the ember months has become my least happiest time of the year because of a past experience.
I was talking to a friend yesterday about how I suddenly feel like I have no love or hatred to give. It's like I'm currently at a stage in my life where I'm just numb and feel nothing. This is probably the one time where I wouldn't react to anything that happens to me right now. Like if I was married for thirty years and my wife walks up to me with a divorce paper, I would sign it without even thinking twice about it, that's how I feel right now.
And sadly the whole feeling is so overwhelming that it makes me want to be alone. Just me in my space, focused on school and work, nothing else. But you see, even though I want to be alone, I also feel that maybe this is the one time I need the people closest to me to come even closer because mentally, I'm going through a lot and I can't even pinpoint what exactly is wrong with me, I just know something ain't right.
Anyways, I was able to go to school today, not because I wanted to study, I just needed a change of scenery to maybe clear my head. And it worked, at least for a little while. For a minute I was no longer thinking about just myself, I was distracted by the things happening around me and I didn't feel the way I felt early this morning when I first woke up.
But we only had one class today and that didn't last long and then all of a sudden, it was just me all over again. That was when I figured that this crazy feeling only comes when I'm alone, so I have to be with someone, right? But then I'm scared, I'm scared that I might act some way that might offend them and because they don't know how I feel, they would get offended and that might ruin our friendship, so maybe it is best to push everyone away, at least for the time being.
Just stay alone and gather my thoughts together, and when I'm back to the old me, I would access the damage that I've done and if there's hope to fix it, I will try. But if there isn't, I will just have to look for a way to move on. Everything will be fine, just as long as I find a way to get up, everyday.
Lastly before I go, this is just me documenting my thoughts, no need to be sympathetic in the comment section, a good meal and a refreshing night rest and I'm sure I will be fine :).
The picture was taken by me.
