I had made numerous decisions in my life, and never regretted much about them but- one was such that it changed my whole life, and guess what, it was taken without a second thought, and within a few moments, being carried away by emotions. Well, even if I had some thoughts I wouldn鈥檛 have anticipated these dark days, not dark actually, black hole to be specific.
Life would have been way easier than my imagination if I had just controlled my emotions to stick to my values back then. I wish I had. I crossed the line, that many do, but I am the one who got to pay a heavier price, beyond my capability and imagination. I saw butterflies, thousands of them at once, and got to play with them as well but gradually they started to fly away. When all is gone, now I am left nowhere. I know I can call them once again, I must, no way around but the time isn't enough, deadlines are being reduced by the unfair rules of life that are coming as a surprise, suspense at any moment with no difficulty level set before, ranging from easy to hard and critical mostly, completely in a mess that is hurting me in all ways.
Well, what happened? Responsibility, it is!! Sooner or later we all must take on responsibilities one by one, from small to big, right? Yeah, I was doing enough, but I suddenly got mad and took in way more than I am able to digest, it was unpredictable, to be honest. I thought I had enough time to get mature with them, but I actually didn't and I was unaware of the fate. Life has been cruel enough to make the path harder than ever.
So what's the status now? Still under control, from the visible arena but deep inside, everything is scattered into pieces, all we are doing is being ignorant of this fact.
Time is playing the most wicked role, nothing is happening at the correct time and order, like nothing. Good things come late while the bad ones are already inside the house and causing chaos. If I had enough time, like things are happening slowly on my side, the good ones and the bad ones would have been slowed down even if they weren鈥檛 eradicated then it would have been easier for me to tackle. I am still tackling, but I don't know how long I will be able to defend, already I am seeing the shield being torn. Just a big piece from the shield flew away making a hole in the whole thing and I am being terrified of the situation as to what will happen next. I am writing this piece of shit. Hell yeah, everything is shit now, me myself feeling fed up with life. If it was too easy to quit, I wish!! Don't worry, I am not being suicidal as the root of all problems is I am tied with many, if I fall then there are many on me to get crippled so I must keep going no matter how the battlefield is, just not for myself, but for them as well. What an irony life is having with me, nice!
You know what, I feel pity for myself. If I just look back on myself three years back and now, I just see a lifeless soul now who is trying hard to survive amidst all the turmoil. I try to be brave, strong, and have patience. I know there is no way other than facing them to overcome, so I must stay strong and play right against all the odds life has been throwing my way. Trust me, sometimes I feel so helpless that my eyes start bursting out tears on and on, tears on a boy's eyes are a rare thing, don't you think so? Okay, enough of being weak, gotta stay strong, even in words that are coming out.
So, what's now? Going towards the battleground where I am fighting every day to survive, and that's where the rewards are coming out that are helping me to move forward. It's not enough, still a long way to go, I just pray and hope that the almighty is kind enough to be on my back and help me move forward.
Keep me in your prayers,
May we all get around all the odds and live happily,
Take Care!!
