Sitting in front of my laptop, the lid was down, the room was in darkness, I just put my head on it and said to myself, "To me, I got nothing except you, none to understand me, none to help me out except you. You got all the possibilities and me, whether to pull me up or let me go down in life."
People, no matter how close they are, no matter how much you did for them, no matter how many struggles you are facing for them, they will also be like, "You didn't do that for me, you failed on this, you let me down on this," and the list keeps going.
Me inside, "What about the world I did for you?"
Eah, I know I am a failure, I have failed in a lot of things, making the people who are relying on me suffer, not delivering what I had promised them. But am I doing them intentionally? Ain't I doing more than I could? Ain't I trying my best to keep up with the needs? Still, these don't matter; all they would see is the suffering they are going through, not what I am tackling with a smile, which would be a thousand times heavier than theirs.
Sometimes, I feel like this is the end, I can't push myself anymore, let's quit. But again, if I quit, then it would brown a few more with me, and I can't let this happen to them knowingly. Eah, I have never harmed anyone with my consciousness, never wanted to be the reason for anyone's suffering, nor have I intentionally dragged anyone into illusions. They knew the worst cases, they knew the sufferings that may come with the steps, yet they chose to consider the bright sides only. Now that things have gotten worse, all the blame is on me. Yeah, I do acknowledge all the faults and blame, whether I did or not, but I would also expect recognition of the struggles and hardships I am going through and the littles I am still delivering and will be doing...
When you promise someone that no matter how hard the days are, you will never stop supporting, but again, you end up getting frustrated just because things keep getting worse more than you had expected, what would you do?
We both were unaware of the reality, the survival battle, and how things work in reality. By the time I could realise and gain real experiences, it was too late for us, we ended up in deep shits. If you look at the steps we left behind, they were no way negligible. At my age of mine, I am doing more than the average, pretty above, tackling responsibilities that much older than me can't dare to take on their shoulders, and that's where I made the mistake. I couldn't understand that the dare in taking more than I can chew would end up getting me choked.
Now that I am not able to breathe properly, what to do?
Here I go again, stood up, to start again, the flag to restart is "retry --unless-success" and this one is hardcoded, can't change anyway. I have fallen a hundred times, stood up again, I am gonna fall again, I know, and I gotta stand again as well until or unless I get to stand still amidst the storms and bring in the good days.
What's the definition of good days to me? That's a talk for another day. Till then, keep me in your prayers.....
