Beers, sweet glorious beers. The oil that lubricates life itself. Where would we be without beer? Well, possibly not in the toilet pissing like an elephant at four in the morning. I digress. So here we

Ladycakes, come and see! You have to come and see!! I yelled in at the kitchen door excitedly as if an Ocelot had bounced up in my lap and told me it could be anything I wanted it to be. What the hell

How are you finding it? A slimy something hissed into my ear. I gritted my teeth and forced my gaze to stay straight ahead at my screen, which displayed a number of colour-clashing bar charts that rose

It's free if you want it, dude? My mate Nedpool said to me on the phone during an impromptu call. As with all impromptu calls, I had figuratively shit the bed at talking to someone for real rather than

Children?? Gather ye close. I have to do my obligatory holiday Hive post! I bellowed from where I stood in the lounge of our holiday lodge. The family trailed in from the other rooms and assembled. What

I can't wait till we go up North tomorrow. It will be so good. The Good Lady clucked contentedly from her seat on the couch. It will be bloody awesome, lady wife. I can't wait either. I raised my glass

Boss Man, you got anything you need done? I twirled a pen through my fingers as if I was actually going to write something by hand. El-Jefe looked up from his laptop, his eyes rimmed red as if he had been

An Air Fryer? No way, it's just a tiny oven. I would much prefer it if we didn't get any more kitchen gadgets that end up sitting unused in a cupboard. The Good Lady crossed her arms at me, a stern look

Should we be worried about all these rate rises? The Good Lady said from across the breakfast table. She was reading the news on her phone and her eyes had that squeaky pleading quality of a mouse caught

On you go. Johnny Baw the Security Guard ushered me past after staring at my security pass for about a minute as if he could see a map to getting out of his shitty job on it. I made a chubbling farty noise

Daddy, Daddy!! Wake up! It's morning!! A barrage of shouting pulled me out of my cosy slumber. Daddy, come on! It's Father's Day!! I made a vile horkling noise as I tried to open my sleep-crusted eyes.

How do they feel? The Optomaton brandished a mirror at me with a self-satisfied air. He had peculiarly bendy thumbs which made the spines on my back bristle with distrust. Who knew what crevices such thumbs

If you would like to take a seat, Miss Flancy will be along in a moment. The receptionist at the School office said cheerily from behind a scratched and dented perspex screen. The perspex screen looked

Have you tried this whisky, Boomy? Beet-Feet lifted a bottle of something dark and brooding and waggled it bewitchingly at me. No, what is it? I set my beer down and leaned over to get a better look. It's

How's the shoulder? It seems a lot better. The Good Lady put a hand on said shoulder and gave it a squeeze. Aye, it is a lot better now. In fact, it won't be long before I start going back to the gym.

Daddy-Bear, can you come into the lounge? We want a little chat. The Good Lady's voice had an edge to it that made my nethers want to run away and hide somewhere safe like the fuzzy hairy bit behind the

Dangnabbit, so near and yet so far! I tapped a key grumpily to power up another ten hives. I had been powering up all manner of large and small amounts lately to try and get to the fabled 100K Hive Power.

Coffee is out, are you coming in soon? The Good Lady yodelled from the back door. I grunted and twisted my neck around to reply. Yeah, two seconds baby. Just getting this bastart out. The never-ending

Alright Boomy!, hows things? I froze halfway through picking up some eggs in the supermarket. Looking up, I twitched like a Hollywood A-listers colon at the sight of a carb. It was Kong. A large and round

I've got something to show you... El Jefe sounded very chuffed as he tugged at my sleeve to get me up from my desk. His face was red and shiny with happiness which was at stark odds to the rest of the