If you would like to take a seat, Miss Flancy will be along in a moment.
The receptionist at the School office said cheerily from behind a scratched and dented perspex screen.
The perspex screen looked as if it had been used as a sex toboggan by some Welsh folk, renowned for their corrosive juices.
I nodded and smiled before sitting with the Good Lady in the chairs we had been directed to.
Do you think this will take long? I have a lot of stuff to be getting on with in work this avo?
I tried not to sound whiney but this only made me sound whinier than I would have if I hadn't tried.
No, they said it would only take ten minutes. I mean come on, surely you can spare ten minutes out of your big busy schedule to meet your son's new teacher?
The Good Lady rolled her eyes as if I were the one out of step with humanity for fussing about meeting the Little Boom's new teacher in his soon to be new School.
I felt I had a right to be. When I was a lad we were just flung in the general direction of the School gates and told to be home in time for dinner. Now it was a full-on event with inductions and meet the teacher sessions.
I mean, who has time for this shit? As far as I was concerned if I gave him a sandwich, compass and some water he would be fine.
oh, and a pin, for covert poking of people who annoyed him. You can't fight a pin, it's a fact.
Do you think the teacher will be one of these humping ninnies that talk about feelings and the importance of play and all that shit?
I huffed impatiently and picked at a scraggy bit of chair beneath my leg.
It is very important! Children thrive in a nurturing, safe environment where they can feel stimulated and cherished.
The Good Lady let her inner hippy out for some air.
Aye aye, bloody hell. I can see this being the longest ten minutes of my life.
I shook my head and huddled forward to stare at the floor hoping that just like in a Plane crash it would save me from the coming nonsense.
You must be the Little Boom's parents! Hi! I am Miss Flancy. Please, come this way.
A melodic voice sang out in the drab waiting area and sighing I raised myself up off the chair and lifted my eyes to face this fucking robotic chicken that would be teaching my boy how to navigate the rough waters of life in his first year of School.
ARRRRGH?!?!?
HOT WELLY BOOTS OF SIN?!!?
Miss Flancy stood in front of me, radiant like the nuclear furnace of a gigantic sun. Her beauty was so off the scale it was like a horrendous flame that seared my eyes, blinding me.
I heard the screaming of death horses as I fought to stay on my feet in the onslaught of such wonder.
Ow!
I flinched as the Good Lady's elbow jabbed elbowily into my side.
Behave you.
She hissed in the way of women sensing some Will Robinson Danger.
I blinked rapidly to get rid of the afterimage of Miss Flancy. I couldn't speak as my mouth was numb as if I had been gumming at a table leg for hours, so meekly, I followed.
Take a seat.
Miss Flancy walked into a small office and waved at some chairs.
I felt I had to say something as I suspected I was acting a little odd.
YES INDEED!
Miss Flancy smiled at us both although I am sure her smile was more angled at me.
Your son is such a wonderful little man, I can't wait to have him in my class.
She spoke through a sea of wavy blonde hair and lipstick.
YES INDEED!
I boomed again and sat, my foot involuntarily stamping on the floor as if I were a deaf drummer.
It is a big step starting School but I think from my chats with the Little Boom that he is excited to be starting his journey, don't you agree?
Miss Flancy picked up a pen and twirled it between sparkly pink-taloned fingers like an incredibly sensual seahorse.
Oh yes. YES INDEED!
I felt the bizarre need to visit a Sea-Life centre.
The Good Lady's knee seemed to be bashing against mine, she must have been feeling it too.
After what seemed like moments and many more YES INDEED's we were outside the school and I blinked in the radiance of a smaller less powerful sun.
Did someone like Miss Flancy then?
The Good Lady's voice carried a hint of danger.
I blushed and scrabbled for something clever to say.
YES INDEED!
