Should we be worried about all these rate rises?
The Good Lady said from across the breakfast table. She was reading the news on her phone and her eyes had that squeaky pleading quality of a mouse caught in a trap.
Rate rises? You mean mortgage interest rates and all that shizz baby?
I gesticulated with a half-eaten piece of toast in my hand. Fortunately for me, it was myself that had eaten the half that was not being gesticulated with, so I helped myself to another bite.
Yes, there seems to be so much bad stuff in the news lately. Are we ok, money-wise?
She looked up briefly, a spoon of something that looked like dried bark and rat droppings hovering halfway between the bowl and her mouth.
Money-wise? Hell yeah, baby. We're good. Don't worry about a thing. Daddy-Bear has taken all of our money out of the bank and hidden it away in the basement.
I winked and nodded my head in the general direction of the floor as if it was the skin of a giant peach and we were both caterpillars.
Oh God.
The Good Lady heaved her shoulders up and then let them fall. Almost as if she were exasperated at something.
We don't have a basement.
She said flatly.
What?! Then where the fuck has all our money gone??!
I growled as I scanned the floor for our missing basement.
So if we can be serious for a moment, are we ok? I mean, you do the bills and all that so I hope you would tell me if things were looking bad.
She put a spoon of her milky cereal muck into her mouth and chewed thoughtfully her eyes fastened unwaveringly to mine.
I paused in my search for the missing basement and exhaled slowly. It looked like it was time to fess up.
Ok. Don't be mad. Seriously. I have our best interests at heart so I made some financial decisions that I think are going to play out well. But you have to hear me out ok?
I took another reassuringly buttery bite of toast hoping it wouldn't be my last.
Financial decisions? Without discussing it with me? Do tell?
The Good Lady's voice had that dangerous edge to it as if she were a baker and someone had suggested she make her cinnamon swirls with a mould.
Well, it's like this. You know the old crypto shenanigans? I got invited to a Telegram group, like a big chat thing to discuss the next big crypto thing.
I leaned forward and took the Good Lady's hand reassuringly before continuing.
One of the guys in the chat group was a Guru and he was telling us all about the opportunities to buy this new coin. BEAN coin. It's revolutionary apparently. Lots of real-life use cases. Something to do with AI. So you buy this coin and you stake it to get a governance token called STALK. If you have a thousand STALK you can start minting your own EGGS and EGGS are like on sale for five hundred dollars or something.
I beamed proudly at her.
So whatcha think? You like?
The Good Lady looked aghast. as if I had literally gone into the garden and mated with that sassy lady fox that keeps hanging about giving me the glad eye in the evening.
Haha. You obviously didn't. You are teasing me arent you? I mean, you wouldn't be so stupid?
Her voice wobbled a little as if she had a fear that I was indeed such a fucking numpty that I would buy into such a scheme.
Wahahahahah! Of course, I am teasing. Don't worry baby. Everything is ok money wise. I am on it. In fact, I have put our money in a very special safe place.
Once more I winked at her and nodded at the floor.
She looked at me and shook her head.
Please don't say the basement.
She looked at me pleadingly.
I nodded happily.
That's right baby! The basement!
The Good Lady picked up her bowl and stomped off to the kitchen muttering something about arseholes.
I leaned back and let out a sigh of happiness.
It's a good life really.
