Chapter 5: The Ambassadors Nobody Wanted
Fakir Antantos and Fukur Salamantan…
Had been caught again.
And this time, it was in the largest city of Gaul.
The city had a massive prison.
It was large enough to hold hundreds of prisoners.
But no one thought it was necessary to use the prison for these two fools.
Instead, they were locked up in a pigsty.
Two guards stood watch in front of the door.
Even the pigs occasionally looked at them with pity.
Fakir was lying on the ground.
“Fukur…”
“What is it?”
“Why do you think we’re always locked up next to pigs?”
Fukur answered without thinking.
“Because the pigs might be more valuable than us.”
Fakir took it as a compliment and felt pleased.
However, there was something neither of them knew.
The Great Chief had been keeping an eye on them for a long time.
He had heard their names even before the two companions left Rome.
He knew who they were…
How incompetent they were…
And every disaster that had happened to them.
So their capture did not surprise him at all.
But now he had a plan in which they might actually be useful.
For months, the tribes had been uniting.
Warriors had gathered.
Preparations had been completed.
The great attack was now approaching.
The Great Chief wanted to send a message to Rome.
But he did not want to send his own men as ambassadors.
Because no one was likely to return alive from such a mission.
So he came up with a perfect idea.
Or at least, perfect in his opinion.
He placed a letter on the table.
The letter read:
“Honorable citizens of Rome and esteemed senators…
Soon you will taste the power of Great Gaul.
Be prepared.”
Only one problem remained.
Who would deliver the letter?
The Great Chief smiled.
The solution was sitting in the pigsty right across from him.
The next day, Fakir and Fukur were summoned to the palace.
It was the first time in their lives that the pair had entered such a grand hall.
Golden decorations…
Huge columns…
Armed guards…
And at the end of the hall, the Great Chief seated on his throne…
Fakir looked around in admiration.
Then he stepped forward.
“Great Chief…”
he said.
“Thank you for hosting us.”
The people in the hall looked at one another.
Fakir continued.
“We only have one small problem.”
The Great Chief asked curiously.
“What is it?”
“For some reason, we smell a little bad.”
The hall fell silent.
“They didn’t put us anywhere clean.”
“We didn’t get a chance to wash.”
“So please forgive us.”
A few people in the back rows could be heard laughing.
Fakir didn’t stop.
“How may we serve you?”
he asked.
He was proud of his own cleverness.
Meanwhile, half the warriors in the hall were biting their lips to keep from laughing.
Fukur had closed his eyes.
He could no longer resist.
He had made a vow to himself.
Until they returned to Rome, he would speak as little as possible.
Though he didn’t really believe they would make it back.
At last, the Great Chief spoke.
“I am going to give you a very important mission.”
Fakir became excited.
“Does it come with a reward?”
Laughter erupted throughout the hall.
The Great Chief continued.
“From this day forward, you are in my service.”
Fukur did not feel comfortable at all.
“And I am sending you to Rome as ambassadors.”
The hall suddenly fell silent.
Then…
It exploded.
The warriors were rolling on the floor with laughter.
Some had fallen out of their chairs.
One guard was wiping tears from his eyes.
Another was struggling to breathe.
Fakir, however, thought it was a mission of honor.
He puffed out his chest.
“Don’t worry, Great Chief!”
he said.
“We can do this.”
At those words, everyone in the hall started laughing even harder.
Fukur spoke for the first time.
He quietly raised his head.
Then looked at Fakir.
Then at the letter.
Then back at Fakir.
“We are definitely going to die.”
he said.
And so…
The most important message in the history of Gaul…
Was entrusted to the two worst ambassadors Gaul could possibly have chosen.
To be continued…
