So, I passed through a phase where my life had a vacancy. And this is a different kind, not the regular "shop to let" or "house for rent" type. This one came unexpectedly, and it stayed for a long time. My life was like an empty chair in a room that everyone sees but didn't talk about.
So, it began when sickness decided to put a pause in my life. I was still in school then, but then I decided to take time out, maybe just half the term or so. To me, I thought it was just for a while; I will return soon. I remember talking with a friend of mine on the phone one day as my mom helped me adjust my pillow...
"I just need to rest and undergo a few medical procedures." I told her on the phone, paused, and then continued, "I would return soon."
"It's alright, dear. I wish you a quick recovery." She replied.
I just smiled and hung up the call....
"My dear, you will be fine." My mum said as she finished adjusting the pillow and bedspread.
I looked at her and smiled again. I really wished I recovered quickly, just as my friend had wished me, but my body refused.
And it happened that the sickness dragged on from weeks to months and then into years. And while my friends were in school, attending classes, writing exams, and progressing, I was busy juggling theatre rooms, hospital beds, various appointments, and a lot of waiting.
There was a day like that. I was chatting with one of my friends; I left in the second year, and they were already in the third year as of then, and he asked me. "Boss, are you sure you will come back?"
"Definitely." I replied to him, even though my voice seemed to betray me.
And like you would have guessed, it was taking a lot of time, and the calls, check-ins, and all began to reduce. I'm sure my seat in the lecture room would be vacant, that's if someone else isn't already sitting there without knowing that the owner is still fighting to recover and return to take up his space.
And then a time came when everybody was graduating. I didn't know why I had so much faith, maybe because we had already informed the school of my situation; maybe that was why I was expecting my name in the graduation list. So, I asked my dad to check...
"Scroll down, Dad," I said as I watched him scroll.
"That's what I am doing. The names are arranged alphabetically; it's obvious your name is not here."
I just went mute. Here's another vacancy; my name isn't in the graduation list. Do I have to go start all over?
And some people in my neighborhood who didn't know what I was going through won't stop asking me, "When are you graduating." And because I really do not have the strength to start explaining myself, I'd just respond, "Very soon."
And that was how life kept going on without me. I saw various things, updates and statuses of my friends, and even though I was happy for them, it made me feel some way. Seeing how some of them are already graduates, how class desks change to office desks as they were already working, and some got married.
I remember a young boy asking me one day if I'm still a student. I didn't know what to say to respond to him; the thing that was vacant here was me, my life, and my identity. Of a truth, I was sick, but it's not enough to write me off; I was still existing in-between.
"Mom, isn't it obvious life has moved on and left my own space empty." I said to my mom one day after returning from one of the many doctors appointments/checkups.
She looked at me, held my hand, and said, "One thing about spaces, my dear, is that they wait."
Huhm, that one word stayed with me for long; I thought about it and held on to it. And slowly things began to change, my body began to heal, I started doing certain things for myself, and I went back to school. Even though I felt somehow, considering the fact that I'm now in class with some of my juniors, as all of my mates are way ahead.
"Wow, you? So you didn't give up." The admin officer in charge of registration said to me.
"I couldn't." I said, smiling.
And that was how I did it, up until the final year and the graduation list came out. I attended class, did tests, participated in group projects and assignments, and all, and even still I was still hesitant to check. I don't know why I feared disappointment.
One of my friends in school called me to ask if I've checked. I told him I hadn't, but he wouldn't have it; he asked me to do it fast. At least the earlier, the better. So, I checked, and I was glad at what I saw: here's my name written in capital letters on the graduation list.
And on the day of graduation, as I received my certificate, I felt my vacancy close. The space that had been empty for a long time was finally filled. I very well remember how my dad hugged me and said, "You didn't waste time; you actually survived it."
There and then I realized that the vacancy in my life wasn't useless. It was just a pause; it was a wait, just like my mom had said. I realized my space stayed empty not because it doesn't matter, but because it was being saved for me.
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Images are mine.
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