Huhm, the heaviest and weightiest things I've ever felt aren't the usual things you would have thought.
It wasn't bags of cement, nor was it jerrycans of water... it was silence.
A few years ago, after I got better and was told I was now free and didn't need to undergo any more surgeries, I was happy and glad. It wasn't easy having to go in and out of the hospital and experiencing multiple surgeries. But then, after all the surgeries and all, life wasn't the same anymore; things changed in a way I never saw coming.
The discussions my friends often have in the WhatsApp group we all are in are always about their business, work, plans, marriages, and all, while I'm just here trying to recover and gain my strength back.
And I can't help the various thoughts that do go through my head. It's just uncontrollable. I'm always thinking about how much my parents spent just to keep me alive, I'm always thinking about how I'm the one who has put them in the debt they are in, and I can't help but blame myself for their present situation.
That's the weight I work out with every single morning. It wasn't easy. I felt guilty for putting my dad, mom, and siblings in such a situation. Though I never said it out loud, it's always in there, weighing me down. I always felt I should at the moment be the one taking care of them and caring for myself, but the reverse was the case. And I can't help but feel guilty for it all.
I remember vividly one evening, there was no light and everywhere was dark; I was outside lost in thought. I didn't even know when my dad came to sit next to me. It was his voice that jolted me back to reality.
"What exactly are you thinking that you're so lost in thought?" He asked.
"How do you know that? I might just be staring at the stars." I responded with a smile.
"I'm a man, I'm older than you are, and I'm your father. So I know." He replied.
I looked into his eyes for what felt like forever before looking away.
Then I sighed and asked, "Dad, can you be honest with me?"
"Sure, what is it dear." He responded.
I actually love the way my dad calls me dear. It makes me feel loved in a different kind of way.
"Do you ever regret borrowing, going into debt, and spending so much on me?" I said.
He kept quiet for a while, acting as if he didn't hear me. I knew he was trying to process the best reply to give me, so I let it hang there between us.
"Is that what you're thinking about?. Is that the weight you've been carrying?" He asked.
I just nodded my head. Then he shook his head and held my hands.
"I don't pray you experience such anymore, but if your life was ever in danger again, I would spend and sell everything again." He replied.
By that time, my eyes were already laced with tears. I can't even talk; what exactly will I say?
Then he continued....
"We didn't have money, but we have love. And we did all we could do out of love to make sure you're fine. We love you." He said
That hit me differently; it made me see things more clearly now. All these years I believed the real burdens were the surgeries, all I had to experience, and most especially the financial struggle my parents were in.
But I was wrong; the actual burden was me believing I owed them and everyone else who was a part of it an impossible debt.
Weeks passed and the debts were still there, the bills remained, I was still recovering, and life did not magically or suddenly become easy. But then, something inside of me has shifted. I stopped measuring my worth by the things I couldn't do anymore, and I began to focus on those things I could do.
Along the line, I began looking for ways to actually live. I learned a skill, and I also began to help others the little way I could, even though I'm facing challenges too.
And ever since I stopped seeing myself as a problem, the weight began to feel lighter. Because my understanding of things has changed.
I looked at my parents mad siblings, and I can't help but appreciate them for the love they have for me. They didn't just love me; they showed it, and I realized the only way I could honor them and pay them back is to live well.
At the moment, when I think about all of it and the weight I've had to carry, I don't think about the struggles behind me or the scars I have on my body anymore. I'm always full of gratitude now.
I often think back to that night with my dad, to the question I asked, and to the response I got- the response that set me free.
That weight got resolved the moment I stopped carrying the guilt.
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Images are mine.
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