Learning to Listen to My Body - Message Received while Running

I have been feeling pretty good lately, or I have been in a high energy state, feeling expansive and ready to take on the world 🙂 But underneath that feeling, I could actually also feel exhaustion, I was really really tired. And I don't know, but I kind of ignored it. I think since I'm so tired of feeling exhausted I do my best not to focus so much on that feeling, knowing it doesn't really help. Instead, I try to stay positive and do things that I feel will help me to move forward. In this regard, I still have a lot to learn. It's still not easy for me to know when it's actually time to rest and surrender and when it's just some resistance that I need to push through. Because I feel that if I didn't push through the resistance I wouldn't do much at all, I guess I can say not much is flowing for me. Almost everything I do requires some effort.

I can honestly say that I'm a very disciplined person. Especially if I have made a commitment or told someone about what I intend to do, I really feel strongly that I have to follow through. Needless to say, this doesn't always serve me in the best way. I think that's a reason why I tend to be drawn to people who are following their impulses more. It can sure be frustrating for me as well, but I tend to feel very inspired by them. I have been thinking a lot about where this discipline comes from because my parents sure didn't pressure me in any way. It's something I have come up with myself. And from the outside, I know many people admire this characteristic since I tend to be efficient and get a lot of things done. But what is it worth really if I don't enjoy myself?

For many years I was so cut off from joy that I didn't even reflect in this way. I suffered a lot but I guess my mind was so occupied with a busy job and the pain of heartbreak that it felt convenient somehow, to live like that. Needless to say, I wasn't really alive. These are the memories I have from Stockholm and even though I feel things will be different for me this time, it sure brings up a lot knowing I'll be back there soon.

But I want to return to the tiredness I have felt lately. Since I really want to take good care of myself I have done my best to balance rest with physical activities. Yesterday a big wave of sadness also hit me and since I know running really helps me to clear my mind I went for a run. But well, I received a message. I stumbled somehow and fell on asphalt and was faced with scratches on my hand, elbow, and knee. It's not that bad and I'll heal of course but I really felt that it wasn't the best choice to push myself and my body like this. But this 'accident' actually helped me to shift my mood and the sadness wasn't so overwhelming anymore.

When I got back home, after inspecting my wounds, I opened the next chapter in my coach training, the business boot camp. But I must say I felt pretty overwhelmed and closed it again. This was clearly not the right day to dive into this. I tend to see these kinds of reactions as a failure. But I have learned enough by now to know that progress and growth aren't linear. Even though it may seem like you are stuck in the same place for a long time, as long as you are showing up for yourself and listen to your body and its message a lot of things are actually happening. And then, when it's time, you take the next leap. Sometimes you just need some time to let things settle and integrate inside of you. In fact, that's a big part of spiritual growth. And this is still hard for me to accept about myself. But I want to do better and I actually made a promise to myself yesterday to not push myself so much from now on with my coaching business. Because it kills the joy.

It's all about being in the present moment and enjoying what's here now. Not focusing on something in the distant future. One of my new friends from the program is still at the beginning of trimester 2 (trimester 2 started in June). She sure struggles a lot with the feeling of being behind but I really admire her for listening and honoring herself in that way. Trusting that her pace is the perfect pace for her. This is something that's really challenging for me. I just blast through and do things, without really checking in with myself how I feel about it. But from now on, going forward with the program, I'll take all the time I need. Because I don't want to lose the joy. The feeling of joy is so precious to me, it always feels like something very elusive. But what's the point in doing this whole coaching if I don't enjoy it? In fact, this is not the kind of work you can really do if you don't truly enjoy it. And I know I can find that joy because I have felt it. But I have also discovered it can go away if I push myself too much. So for me, it's still a work in progress to really listen to my body and respecting its signals. I still have a lot of conditioning around being a good student and always being efficient to undo.

I'll take a break from running and slow down until my scratches have healed. I think it's time for yin yoga again 🙂

Thanks for reading 🙏

Love and blessings to you all 💚