I was surrounded by palm trees standing tall and serene; seemingly without a care in the world.
I wasn’t there just to find some calm, though. On the day I found myself beneath that tree my life seemed to be falling apart. I felt like everything around me had fallen into an incomprehensible and messy chaos and I was just treading water to stay afloat.
Problems seemed to keep arising, and I constantly felt like I was battling against something – I didn’t know what, and I didn't know why; because just recently life seemed to make sense, it wasn’t a lot but it felt stable; I never worried so much and I didn't feel like I was dragging an invisible weight behind me, that comfort however, somewhere along the line, turned into something that felt almost unbearable.
Sitting at the base of that tree, however, I was forced to confront my own inner demons. I had no distraction so there was no escape; it was initially discomforting, replaying mistakes over and over and beating myself up over what I wished I could have done differently.
It seemed part of the chaotic nature I was experiencing stemmed from a tendency to run away from these thoughts. I was too busy sorting out the life I was living that I wasn't taking any time out to check if I was okay inside and just like magic that tranquil moment turned into a catalyst for change.
Instead of blaming the entire world for my problems, I started looking inward, at the specific things that had put me in the position I was in; I thought about the decisions that had been made and the choices that I had been faced with, and I started asking myself questions like, "What can I control?".
Those weren't easy questions to answer and I certainly never found them easy, but for the first time in a long while I didn't have to. The more I questioned myself, the calmer I felt, the actual state of my surroundings hadn’t changed – I knew I was still facing the same set of problems- but my attitude towards them did.
I realized that happiness doesn’t necessarily entail having a 'perfect' life and sometimes is simply about a clear understanding of oneself regardless of the circumstances that one is surrounded by.
That day was not an instant fix, but it was a stepping stone, giving me perspective to understand that change doesn’t necessarily have to involve grand gestures; it can simply involve a willingness to take that first step, and that I still had control over where my path would lead.
Even though I haven't returned to that exact spot I remember that a moments pause can actually be more productive than continuing to blindly rush through life.
I certainly plan on carrying that with me as there was something so peaceful about those silent moments and the clear understanding it brought me and that is something I think every person needs to try to find within themselves every now and then, just for some added clarity and peace; and from there, who knows?
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