what's up Budz!
Life is hard and at times overwhelming for all of us, it's easy to get caught up in the ugly things we are going thru, some facing worse than others out difficult for everyone just the same. No matter what challenging circumstances I face as I continue my footsteps on this weird planet we call Earth, I try my best to not get too mentally caught up or demoralized by the challenges as they show up by doing my best to observe the little victories while I try to fix the things that bring me discomfort. Perhaps to give myself hope for better days.
Being thankful for the little victories is what helps me get out of my funks, think objectively and maybe make the world around me seem better. To find gold, we have to dig in the dirt after all. Maybe like a plant, the seed is planted in the dirt where it's dark so we can slowly grow and dig our way up to the light where we can bloom and flourish into whatever beautiful colors we are meant to be. Bloom like a Rose. I don't know if I'm digging for gold or trying to bloom but lets dig in and see what we find!
1. After I got locked out of my account and started a new one, 
2. After I almost died of cov...(dirty word everyone hates somehow). It impacted my brain so much that writing has become too difficult for me to even want to try. In the last week, I have forced myself to write almost everyday rather than just give up on myself entirely like some lost cause or a talent I used to posses but don't anymore. It might take me 4 times longer than what it used to but I'm doing it. It also gives me bad migraines now when I stare at a screen for too long. What used to take me 3 hours now takes me 10 to 12 hours but I'm doing it and I have to say proud of myself for it. To most of you it's not much of an accomplishment but to me it's certainly up there as a personal victory and growth. Not giving up on myself.
3. Since screen time gives me a nasty headache now, we have canceled our cable subscription and get a bit more money in our pocket each month when life is just getting noticeably more and more expensive by the day along with reducing the amount of screen time per day. Since it makes my eyeballs hurt, I have started to read more books rather than waste it scrolling on facebook filling my brain with useless stuff. I mean I still use it but less if my nose is buried in a book instead learning new things or concepts that I wouldn't have otherwise taken the time to do.
4. Now that I'm reading more, I am rebuilding the vocabulary I once lost and gaining the confidence to communicate with others more both verbally in real life and in writing here on Hive. It's also helping me with the brain fog that persisted after my illness. It's still a big part of my life and it embarrasses me most days since I used to think I was mildly smart but no longer am. I might not get the memory power I used to have but once again, I didn't give up on myself and at least try everyday to expand it one step at a time, one day at a time.
When Einstein died, they cut up his brain and discovered that he had a continuous development in neural connection keeping his brain healthier than the average person and the potential cause was suspected to be his continuation to read and keep learning new things as he got older. Nobody knows the answer for sure but what if it were true? I'm no Einstein but I do notice a difference. What if that's really what is helping me heal my brain?
5. Now that I have made a dozen posts or so since starting this account, even tho I can't be consistent because of my work obligations and how time consuming and exhausting working 70-80 hours a week can be, each posts are getting a bit easier every time. Not really noticeable to me at first but I was able to at least find a few words and try to remember events and things experienced on my trips even tho it's hard to do either or. It's not perfect and will take more time but improving. Staring at the wall while I try to remember what I was in the middle of typing
or how to blend my sentences properly along with putting the thoughts in the right order is still pretty frustrating tho. Once again I'm at least trying and not giving up on my lost art and I wrote them anyway. Maybe practice does indeed makes perfect...eventually.
6. Although I mostly speak and write in English, it's not my first language or do I have any schooling in English besides welding school, we learn how to weld and other practical things, not how to spell or form sentences. All of my English, and I mean ALL of it is self taught once I became a late teen/early adult. I'm actually French. Being this well versed in both languages isn't something that was common with those from my community or family living so close to Quebec and our family roots originating there and has opened opportunities in life for me.
Maybe now you can understand if my sentences are sometimes structured a little funny. Most natural born English speakers might pick my grammar and spelling apart but anyone else here that are learning English to have a better blog can relate. Kuddos to you to, learning a foreign language is hard. This part does make me pretty proud of myself. Not only learning to verbally communicate or read in my non maternal tongue but actually writing in it too and I have to say, the results are better than I expected and can only improve with time. It's at the very least, a good confidence boost to keep expanding.
7. As much as I hate how I get treated like I'm less than at work along with the lack of opportunities professionally, there is still some good dudes out there with their own hobbies that can unlock new doors for me. Years ago, I had an apprentice, brand new, almost 10 years later he turned his amateur boxing training for fun into a professional competitor. Now I get the best seat in the house with my photography and I get to practice a new style. It's not a paid gig or anything but I get to meet new people more experienced in the sports world to learn and take advice and learn a few tricks.
He uses my photos to announce his fights and it gets new eyeballs on my visual arts along with the confidence boost I get when he uses my photos when he has the choice between 2 other more accomplished photographers than me with much higher standings in the combat sports photography arena. He just announced his first official tittle fight for a coveted Canadian title. Maybe yet another fun opportunity around the boxing ring? Go Shake N Blake!!! I hope he wins.
8. Maybe I can eventually grow enough confidence to become a people photographer for money and sell my other work rather than just landscapes and animals (they pay in joy but certainly not in $$) and maybe be my way out of getting abused at work in the way that I do. Hope about a mental break with a potential hobby oriented career to retire earlier than the pension age instead of the thought that I must work and get abused for another 25 years before I can collect my pension to survive when I have already put in over 15 years is nice to think about. In the meantime, work helps me cover the costs of expensive gear I need to expand my hobby and gets me mountain $$, it ain't cheap to visit there even if I live near-by, tourism prices us out of enjoying our own land.
9. During my illness and thwarting my ability to earn an income for a year and decimated all my savings, solidified the importance of having healthy savings. I still had some but the last few years, I upgraded the savings strategy and cut my spending even more than before. Now that I had to upgrade my camera a few years back after my D7000 broke, my lenses don't match and I have to get new ones. Having saved my tax returns for a few years as money I can't spend, I'm about to go get them done and should get a nice return back, with the combined efforts, I have enough to not feel as guilty or awkward about spending on my hobby that I don't make money from.
I need to get lenses that are compatible after my most used lens of 18-200mm is no longer usable with the new camera. Such a lens will set me back around $1200 CAD. Since I haven't been doing much photography the last year or so, testing a new lens is likely to get me back out there to test it along with having parts that work together again, getting me back to discovering new things and experiences like I once did before I got sick. Having a camera but the bare minimum for usability has impacted my desire to even get out there in the first place. With better lenses, it will lead to better photos, that can only help me in the end.
10. even tho nobody cared that I almost died because they were too busy with themselves, it made me feel really alone in the world, it still does. I often feel more alone around people than I do when I'm actually alone. Such an event was devastating and hurtful realizing how little I mattered to anyone but it has opened my eyes as to who are not my people and who to not take with me in the event I actually do make it and find success.
Now that my stamina is a little wonky and I get tired fast, I have less energy to spend on people. This devastating knowledge gained also helps me recognize where to place my energy where it will be appreciated rather than taken for granted. People around me might not like it but it is what it is, they just took and never gave anyway so not my loss. Realizing that some people just can never be pleased no matter what I do for them. Recognizing that is a tough pill to swallow but so liberating.
11. Now that I'm redirecting my energy to myself, I can work on improving myself and my skills in various ways and my eventual success rather than being pre-occupied or distracted with improving everyone else under the guise of trying to be a good person and be helpful. It also redirects my time to do the little things I like that help relax me like my face masks, foot soaks reading and whatever else rather than feeling obligated to attend social events of others just to be polite. Not saying I don't want to keep being a good person, just I can be a better person towards the ones that actually do care and deserve it when I feel mentally better and more relaxed rather than anxiety based on other people's actions towards me.
12. After all the hardships, abuse, screwed over by those close to me and tough pills to swallow, I often asked myself, why wasn't I savable? Why wont anyone help me when my back was against the wall and desperately needed it the most? I learned to be my own hero. Fuck everyone else. Who needs them. Time and time again, I dug myself out of seemingly impossible challenges and came out on top more times than not, even when I was often unfairly put there. It gave me the confidence to not fear taking chances with an open mind and an open heart, even if I fall flat on my face, I will find the strength to pick myself up rather than give up along with the strength to persevere thru the storms and that is powerful. Harsh but powerful indeed.
13. All these harsh lessons I had to learn has taught me critical thinking, discernment, how to keep my cool in though circumstances, how to be clever and think outside of the box among other things, how to communicate better, kinder. Rather than following the mainstream, I'm not afraid to stand up for my beliefs even if I'm the only one. I'm not afraid to take the path less travelled or explored my creativity which led me to the former platform we do not name to eventually Hive and help me expand my photography and my English skills over the years leading me to learn new perspectives while I read other's blogs. The journey is far from over and perhaps more hope for a better future for myself as I continue my learning journey.
14. With my new scatter brain I have to deal with, writing to heavy metal is too distracting so I now type with classical music instead. If you would have asked me 10 years ago if I would take to that style, I probably would have laughed my ass off but it's actually quite nice. Expanding my taste in music, exploring sounds and information that I wouldn't have otherwise given a try. It's pretty relaxing, when I get anxiety it certainly helps me re-focus, breathe and calm down faster than being trapped in my own nightmarish thoughts and sleepless nights. Less anxiety is certainly nice so is a good night sleep.
15. After my body and immune system getting ravaged with cov, I had no choice but to care more about my body and how I treat it/put in it like taking my vitamins daily, eating better and such. Don't get me wrong , I still like my fast food and junk food but I have cut out a lot of sugar, drink less coffee, red meat and carbs (chips/crisps whatever you call them in your country). I try to eat more fish, drink more milk, a few fruits and vegetables regularly including dried fruits and nuts keeping a better eye on variety and learning about superfoods and their impact on our health.
Even tho I'm mildly allergic to eggs and they gross me out because they eat soy but they are a better source of protein than red meat and an incredible source of minerals that are found in much smaller quantities in other foods, I can't eat them everyday because of the allergy concerns but twice a week is ok. Since I have worked hard on diet mindfulness, I have better healthier younger looking skin and am probably rebuilding my immune system along with it and less random muscle cramps (also a result from cov). I was always underweight now I'm at a more normal weight since I also try to eat more so I get less dizzy (cov left me with a lot of dizzy spells especially if I don't eat proper). As I age, a better diet can only help anyway. I think just the much less sugar alone has been an important change I needed.
CONCLUSION
Observing all the small victories as we tackle little things we don't really think about can have a cumulative effect that might not be noticed at first glance but every small victory mental, social and physical lead to better quality of life overall. When one feels defeated by life as we all do from time to time, looking back makes me observe the long way I came, how much I grew up, how I turned challenges into gold. Gives me the strength to not give up on myself when I feel like it. You can't find the silver lining in situations if you never take the time to look for them.
Gives me the strength to fight another day, to fight for what I deserve. Finding things to be proud about. Finding appreciation for the little victories or the helpful good deeds of others finds more things to be thankful for. We do we tend to take ourselves for granted the most? Our relationship with ourselves is the most important one after all, it's not like we can break up with ourselves, legit stuck there forever and ever. Legit the only person you can never lose or get away from is yourself! Self love is important, we all have little things to be proud about that nobody else will ever notice.
Be well all! XOX
