I left the moment I realized I was breaking my own heart just to keep other people comfortable.
No plan.No speech.Just me,my old shoes and a quiet anger that had been sitting in my chest for too long.I walked out the door because staying meant disappearing and I was done disappearing.
This road was the first place that did not ask me to explain myself.
The trees on both sides did not ask me questions.The sky did not expect me to smile.The grass was not in a hurry.For the first time in a long time,nothing wanted anything from me.And that felt like oxygen.
I used to think love was something other people gave you.A text at 2am.A hand to hold.Someone saying "you are enough" until you believed it.I chased that for years.I bent myself into shapes that were easier to love.I said yes when I meant no. I laughed at jokes that hurt.I stayed in rooms where I felt small because I was scared of being alone in a bigger room.
But walking here,with only my footsteps to keep me company,I started to remember something.
I remembered the version of me that used to dance in the kitchen for no reason.The version that wrote bad poetry and thought it was good.The version that could sit for an hour and watch clouds and not feel guilty about "wasting time."Where did I go? I left myself behind somewhere while I was busy trying to be lovable.
Halfway down the road,I sat on the curb.The brick wall was warm from the sun.Two little dogs were sleeping in the grass like they owned the world. MI envied them.They looked so sure.
And then it hit me,slow and heavy. I have been waiting my whole life for someone to come walk this road with me.But what if the point was to walk it alone first?
What if self love is not a big speech or a makeover or a new job? What if it is this.A quiet road.A deep breath.Choosing to keep going even when your heart feels sore.Choosing to stay with yourself when it would be easier to run back to people who only loved pieces of you.
I talked to myself out loud.It felt weird at first.
"I am proud of you," I said. My voice cracked.
"I am sorry I forgot about you," I said, “and I am sorry I made you feel like you were not enough."
The trees did not answer.They just kept standing there,steady. Like they had been waiting for me to say it.I do not have it all figured out now.I still get scared.I still miss people who were not good for me.But something shifted on this road.
I stopped looking ahead for an ending.I stopped looking behind for an apology.I just looked at the path in front of me and thought,okay.One more step.
That is love too.The quiet kind.The kind where you keep yourself company.Where you become the person you were always waiting for.By the time I reached the end of the road,the sun was lower.The light was softer.And I was not the same person who started walking.
