Me: Damn dog is under the covers again! Wife: No she's not. She's next to the bed. Me: Oh. Wife: ... Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Why was 1 all salty? Someone told him it was 2's day.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer. Me: yea I got arrested once Niece: omg why Me: for going through my aunt's drawers.
What is big and red and rolls over in the snow? Santa Claus hit in the balls!
I go to the gym religiously. You know, once or twice a year around the holidays.