Neighbour: Haven't I seen you on TV? Actor: Well I do appear on and off you know. How do you like me? Neighbour: Off.
Pirate: The cannons be ready, captain. Captain: Are.
Why are there commentators for televised sports? We can figure out what's going on live, but can't while watching it on tv?
*Speed Dating* Me: What'd you have for lunch? Her: Funny you should ask, I had this really great salad wit... Me: NEXT!!
My liberal friend decided to go to a Republican rally and got his ass kicked. He's all right now.