Yesterday I cooked my first proper meal in a very long time, stood on my feet for a very long time without getting dizzy, it's been 5 weeks, and for the first time I didn't feel as dizzy, I still needed someone close to me to do the shopping for me while I cooked, because I still wanted to add weight, while the I continue to build red blood cells (even though they're not healthy red blood cells).
My lower extremities are no longer as cold as they were, two weeks ago. Yesterday I messaged someone I know from here, and asked if their wife has delivered of their baby, because I truly wanted to see them and visit their child.
They asked me if I could make it, and then I told them that I might not immediately visit them, but I'll definitely do, maybe a week or more after the child is delivered (God willing).
I have taken a long distant walk since the 7th of August, and that's just because of the recovery time I still need under my belt.
At the moment, I don't have a lot of people in my life right now, but I grateful for the few who supports and genuinely care, especially when they know I cannot offer them anything in return.
I don't do a lot of chatting or talking, because I don't have a lot of energy to burn, and I've probably incurred more DIS-FRIENDS who wanted something and I wasn't available to give.
I don't want to always be salty because of that, I'm genuinely happy at this point in my life that I found the love of genuine people, even though they're just 4 or 5.
Unfortunately I cannot give too much anymore, especially when people needs helps and I'm too sick to do so. Yes, I know people who have gotten angry because I wasn't available to help them, the problem is they actually don't understand the battles I have to fight on my own, everyday.
I get people texting only when they need help, and most of the time, I'm genuinely happy to help, but this year alone I've fallen sick like 4 to 5 time, with this current one being the hardest and scariest, and because of this, I'm mostly not healthy enough to help or talk.
Most times, I gotta take care of medicine, bills and other things, and working extra hard and being sick just leaves me "zero time", perhaps someday if God wills it, I can have enough money, the right state of mind, and a healthy body that doesn't switch up on me whenever it wants.
For now, I'm unavailable and unmotivated, because of this, I keep to myself: no chitchats, no friendly vibes, just fighting the battles and trying to pay the bills. Last year and this year have probably been the saddest I've been.
I've had additions and blessings, but I lost one of the most important person, and the closest family and remaining nuclear family I had, and this left a big hole in my life, that's not going to be mended by anything ever.
In reality, no one leaves this earth with the friends they've made, so I'm not freaked about not having any. The pain i currently have is valid, but above all, I'm thankful and always grateful to God, for the countless times I've recovered and the transformation of my mind and heart
