So I bit and bought a box of the Watermelon Jolly Rancher Poptarts... I was drawn in by the box and thoughts of my childhood summers enjoying jolly ranchers.
This was by far my worst purchase of 2017. They have the consistency of a freshly ground placenta accompanied by the putried taste of human decompisition, only to be tied together with a floral hint of soured sweat from a poorly ventilated Gold's Gym.
Do not be drawn in by the beautiful bright colors and patterns... The recipe for this abomination was found in the sealed boxes of the infamous Dr. Mingel after Kelloggs hired Edward Snowden to breach CIA protocol to recover the Above Top Secret file.
Due to the innards consisting of ground flamingo feathers and mastadon sperm, it is possible that I will need dental implants as the root separated from bone with each viscous bite.
With more ingredients than the offspring of Newport 100's and Nicki Minaj's ass implants it was easy to see that my time would be spent praying to the porceilin gods latter that evening.
Luckily salvation came sooner rather than later as this was all I could muster and eat.
Overall .003/10 stars. The only redeeming quality was the use of flamingo feathers and mastadon sperm.
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