The mind has its limits...

It is often believed that relationships end because of infidelities, fights, betrayals. But it turns out that there are links that are turning off without anyone doing anything “wrong”, while the two continue to fulfill their role as if nothing had happened.

They greet each other, they work, they share a roof, and inside they haven't really met for years. That is one of the harshest realities that exist as a couple, precisely because no one sees it coming.

Now, what to do if you feel that your relationship is at that point?
Start by stopping pretending that everything is fine and dare to look at what is happening, feeling the weight of tiredness or frustration is proof that we are alive going through complex realities. Even when our inner nature is programmed for adaptation and recovery the ability we have to rearrange our inner chaos to regain our calm that is active inside us even on the greyest days.

It is always time to validate what we feel, to take a deep breath and remember that we have the power to take back control of our life. It's one decision at a time.

Healthy love does not come because one demonstrates extreme endurance, Olympic athlete level of endurance.

It does not come because one has the patience of a nun, a vocation as a nurse and an honorary diploma in the catchphrase: Love can do anything because an extinguished bond can be rekindled when both are willing to work on it.

Healthy love begins when one looks that wound in the face and says: I don't have to suffer anymore to deserve love. I don't have to save anyone to get elected anymore. I no longer have to abandon myself for someone to stay.

The healthiest behaviors in a couple are those that sustain the relationship when no one is watching, such as talking honestly even if it is uncomfortable, respecting the limits of the other without taking it personally, taking their part when they make mistakes, without justifying themselves, celebrating the growth of the other even if that changes it, repairing after fighting, instead of pretending as if nothing were wrong, and choosing the other every day, even if it is no longer the emotion of the beginning.

Taking care of the emotional connection as much or more than the physical one are values above impulses in the field of desire is the most sophisticated relational work: to move from an attraction based on primitive affective regulation to an attraction based on mutual recognition and compatibility of internal world.

The emotionally mature couple is not a prize, it is a safe repair system. Being able to say “this bothers me” and see almost immediate movement is the clinical definition of secure attachment.

True intimacy is born when two people become each other's refuge. To love is to be able to talk about everything without a filter. It's a hug that fixes nothing, but relieves everything. It is to laugh together even if life weighs.

Janitze 🦋