We were just waking up this morning when out of the blue, the husband asked "Where do you suppose we can find a baby?" which surprised me to my core.
"What? You want us to find a baby now?" I was laughing but was really baffled by his sudden statement.
We have been married for over a decade and have not been blessed with our own child despite going through series of medical check-ups and consultations over the years. Our friends and relatives suggested adoption which my husband didn't react very well to. Every time the subject was touched, he would stay mum and won't say a word even when there was just the two of us. Although I welcomed the idea of adopting someone else's baby, I didn't want to force my husband into it and I was also hopeful that we will soon welcome our own.
We were teased heavily by others. Some people can be mean without them realizing it. They would say we still need training so we can successfully make our own "project" (pertaining to a baby). We'd poke the fun back saying we are still dating so they shouldn't rush us and they would just roar into laughter afterwards.
It wasn't easy though especially during our early years. Back then I easily get hurt and I would tear up the moment I am out of people's sight. I'd pity myself and would run a lot of questions that I don't even have answers to. I was just glad that as the years went by, I became accustomed to the teasing and even accepted to a certain degree that we may never have our own.
Anyway, the husband's sudden and surprising question in the morning got a hold of my mind today. It had me excited imagining about rearing a little angel and watching her or him grow. I got carried away with the thoughts of being able to have our home filled with baby laughter and cries and have it smell with baby powders, diapers, baby oils and stuff.
I mean, my mind went crazy in a good way :)
But then my thoughts scared me too at some point when questions came running around and had me pondering...
"Are we going to be good parents?"
I was brought back to the time I first experienced holding a baby. My elder sister gave birth to a baby boy and my Dad played a trick on me one day and had me hold him saying I should practice because one day, I would be a mom too. I was 16 years old then and very terrified thinking I would break the baby's bone. Trembling and in tears, I pleaded my mom to get him off my lap which made them tease me all the more.
It is funny every time I get reminded of that experience and to be honest, I am still apprehensive and would still tremble each time I hold a baby in my arms. My mind seems to have been programmed with the idea that babies are very fragile and they would break when handled in a wrong way :)
Anyway, that flashback of my nephew made me remember how our house became so alive the moment he arrived. And somehow I understood why they call a baby or a child "a bundle of joy," because quite literally, my nephew brought more joy in the house and there wasn't any dull moments especially to my parents who welcomed their very first grandchild then.
Remembering those times shifted my mind and had me thinking wild of great things to come when one day, we'd meet our little bundle of joy :)
It may take a long while as there are certain processes to be met and still too early to feel anxious, excited, worried, and any other things, but I am very hopeful that this may be the start of our journey to parenthood :)
