So, I have a confession to make, my house is never quite as clean as I would like it to be. The tradeoff is that I get to enjoy living in the country, surrounded by soil, pet friends, and fresh air, but it also means my floors will be forever slightly soiled no matter how much I sweep them.
The thing is, I would love it if dirt was the only thing I had to contend with when it came to floor detritus. However, the pet door has been the portal to floor covering shenanigans in the most interesting way.
Because that's where the Pinecone Assassin slinks to and fro about its grisly business.
Every single day I wander out into my kitchen upon waking and there is a fresh pinecone carcass fouling my linoleum. As I take in the cone shards that are scattered savagely about, I pause in remembrance of the potential tree that could have been, its possible life stolen from it by the savage Pinecone Assassin's ill will. It's quite tragic.
It's also quite tragic that I have to clean up the remains!
What's even more scary, is that the pinecone assassinations is a generational thing now! I know this because the volume of murdered pinecones littering my floor has increased over the years. I can just imagine the scene, Grandma and grandchild slinking out the pet door to the closest pine tree and savagely attacking innocent cones all for the pleasure of having something to bat around on my clean floor.
I mean, right now as I type this, I am reasonably sure I will open my bedroom door and be faced with a scene of cone slaughter as I step out to face the day!
On the plus side, I suppose I should be grateful. Instead of small animal carcasses littering my home, I am instead getting pre-tree carcasses, but I gotta say my friends, it's just a bit on the weird side. Like, what are the Pinecone Assassins end goals? Are they working in conjunction with the squirrels and trying to turn my home into a cache? Are they running a psy-op on me and seeing how long it will take me to crack?
Well, the joke's on them, I cracked long ago.
Seriously though, do any of your pets bring cones in the house and murder them? Over the years it has brought me no end of amusement, but also it's more than a bit odd because the elders have taught the youths the pinecone assassination behavior.
Maybe my cats just really care about my cardiovascular fitness. Yes! That is how I am going to frame this abundance of murdered pinecones in residence! My cats really love me and want me to stay healthy for the long haul, so they keep me fit by adding cardio via excessive sweeping to my routine. I'm sure they have no malevolent intent at all. Right?
Aren't delusions grand!馃榿 Happy Caturday to you all!!
And as most of the time, all of the images in this post were taken on the author's marked safe from the Pinecone Assassin iPhone.
