So, I have learned something about myself over the last four weeks. I don't quit. Even when I probably should. Even when I'm on death's doormat, I still. keep. going.
To say I have been through hell is a bit of an understatement, but I have come out of this tribulation with even more resolve, and honestly, a new found respect for myself.
I also am not at all shy anymore about saying, "no."
To start college, do remodeling, drive hundreds of miles, start a very intense internship at a mental health clinic, and move into a house with a bunch of people, many of them strangers, all as a medium-aged person who was quite literally in the hospital and just about to expire due to beyond severe anemia was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. And I have gone through some things.
The last four weeks have been ugly beautiful. I will be fully honest and say there were a few times when I broke down. It's really hard to want to keep going when you can barely walk. I had to take the elevator once to my first day of class and that about ended me walking there as it was, and yet humbling as it was, I kept going.
I also prioritized rest. Any time I could sleep, I did. I developed a protocol designed to maximize thyroid and iron absorption, ate in a way the increased stomach acid production, timed my intake to optimize all the things, all while writing papers, learning to run a mental health clinic and do case work, and learning how live in a new to me way.
And now, now a month later, I am starting to hit my stride. I walked 4.5 miles Monday, and I didn't feel like I wanted to die. I'm not wanting to cry looking at the stairs, and my overall brain function is actually somewhere close to what I think semi-normal may be. I feel incredibly blessed.
And I love my internship. Already, I have been given an office, am going to take over case management this winter for the whole practice while our manager is on maternity leave, have made connections and learned more about running a therapy clinic than I ever thought possible, and overall feel overjoyed about the learning I am doing.
I feel much the same way about my one and only class I get to do in person in my undergraduate career. My internship seminar is a two hour block of competency learning with my actual classmates that I am overjoyed to be at. As much as I love online learning, there is something fun about being back in a classroom too.
So, while I have been absent a lot, it's mainly due to being barely able to keep my head above this onslaught of life water. I haven't forgotten at all about my Hive family, in fact, I miss you all a lot. But I have been healing while living, and as much as I am making progress, there's still more to learn, do, and heal.
I'm just glad I am functional enough to be here more馃槍
And as most of the time, all of the images in this post were taken on the author's happy to get at least a few hours back in the woods where the author is happies iPhone.