Time and tide wait for no man.
- Geoffrey Chaucer -
I chatted to a good friend on the phone today and I quoted Chaucer, the quote you see above. It was relevant, genuinely spoken and well received.
My friend lives interstate, the widow of a very good mate of mine; we used to work together. Some time ago he took his own life in rather brutal fashion for which I was incredibly angry with him but soon that anger dissipated and I found understanding, hard though it was.
My mate was a military man, one of those who served his country with great distinction, believing in what he did. Like many who serve, his fight continued after his service ended, and throughout the subsequent years he struggled to find meaning, a place in the world he felt accepted him and a way back from the places he'd taken himself to become who he needed to be to affect his role on deployments. It's a familiar story.
Post-traumatic stress disorder comes out in various ways and we all deal with it differently. My mate struggled with it and despite the help he got and the efforts he put into that fight, he finally succumbed.
When it happened we rallied around his wife and son, who has since enlisted and is in the early phases of his own military career, and they, despite the tragedy, moved forward little by little with the financial and emotional assistance we generated. The lad is doing well, my mate did a good job with him and he's a young fellow that shows great promise; I believe will go far in life. His mum...She's struggled far more.
I'd say she has struggled every day but, in truth, it's every minute. Fortunately she has been open to speaking to people, the right people who can help her find a way forward, and us, her friends. I was speaking to her every day for months after my mate suicided, and now it's a couple times a week, with what I felt was improvement each time. Sure, she had moments as you'd imagine, but she slowly stepped forward; she's a tough lady.
Today though, something new came up.
She seemed a little strange on the phone call but I put it down to her being in an odd mood until I heard...
I need to tell you something
I'm one who understand the difference between the words need and want, the nuances and meaning either can have depending on the situation, and the fact she'd used need sort of threw me. I said as much, need or want, I said...She revised it to the latter and I relaxed a little.
As it turns out it was nothing sinister at all; she was just a little worried about how I would react to the situation considering my long-standing and close relationship I had with her departed husband. It seems she's met someone, a man, and she's fallen for him.
As she began to talk, to tell me the story, I began to understand, to warm to it, and that was all helped along by the fact that she spoke with passion, a smile on her face and what I felt was love. The more she talked the more I liked what I heard and after a few well-placed questions and prompts to draw out more information I decided that I was very happy for my lovely, deserving, friend who had been through so much in her life.
I told her as much, that I thought he sounded like a decent chap, and jokingly told her he'd have to pass muster under my scrutiny before it went much further and she had the good grace to laugh at my stupid joke and then said, oh no, he's totally fucked then. He probably is to be honest...nah, not really, he sounds like a stand up guy and the fact they're taking things very slowly sounded like a good plan too.
Is it too soon
My friend asked me this today and I was honest and said I didn't know the answer. Only she can know the answer to that question and, knowing her as I do, I believe the answer would come from a place of reflection, contemplation and deep within her heart and soul. That means, I think the answer would be the right one, either way.
Being the partner of a soldier deployed to a warzone is incredibly difficult which is why so many relationships of that type fail; I think it's more difficult for those left home actually because the soldier tends not to have time to dwell on it when deployed. This woman knows what it's all about, but unfortunately her struggle continued when her fellow came home due to his PTSD and it almost broke her as it did him. It's quite tragic really.
It's for that reason, the fact I know the situation intimately, that I know she's thought this through and is not making rash decisions...and that was behind me quoting Chaucer as you see above. It was my way of saying that I supported her and that she shouldn't waste time or opportunities -life is too precious a thing to waste. She deserves so much more than a wasted life.
Lastly, I told her if she thinks I'm going to be easy on that bloke she's bloody bonkers...I promised to put him through his paces before he was given the stamp of approval...Damn her though, she knew I was joking.
Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default - Tomorrow isn't promised so be humble and kind
My own image this is, as Yoda would say.