Getting past a trauma takes three ideas which are, first,…!
Getting past a trauma takes three ideas which are, first,…!
“Have you ever had a significant other in your life?”
Virgil was a tall, slight, blond man of 25 years who was seeking employment in his newly chosen profession of photography. He was a recent graduate of the local community college. He was sent by his father, Vito, who was an elderly brick layer. Virgil was Vito’s last child still at home. Virgil’s two siblings were living out west seeking their fortune. And, according to Vito, Virgil wasn’t get work fast enough to suit him. So, he decided he should overcome his shyness with some professional help.
When I asked Virgil why he had agreed to come at his father’s suggestion, he responded, rather sheepishly,
“At times, I kinda do feel like I’m hiding from the world!”
“What do you mean by hiding, Virgil?” I asked.
“Well, I don’t have many friends, I’m kind of a home-body. I spend most of my free time on the internet surfing.” he replied.
“Do you have a significant other in your life?”
“Not really, no.” Virgil responded.
“Would you want one, Virgil?”
“Sometimes I would but then I get afraid I couldn’t handle it, Ken.”
“Have you ever had a significant other in your life?”
“…You are ugly and stupid…”
“Yeah, in high school. I had a six month relationship with Victoria.”
“What happened?”
“She just dumped me and told me she was more interested in one of my friends. And, that wasn’t the first time. I’ve been dumped, bullied and abused in various ways my whole life.” he said, the hurt and betrayal emerging full throttle on his face.
“Virgil those kinds of experiences happen to everyone in life. But what was your earliest memory of this kind of experience?” I asked wondering how long he had been carrying these perceptions of himself.
“That would be in my first year of school. It was just before school ended for the summer and a girl in my class, her name was Valerie, said something to me that has stuck ever since.” he said, his face contorting into the shame and embarrassment he experienced that day, so many years ago.
“What did she say to you, Virgil?”
The hesitation I saw suggested he wasn’t going to tell me, but then he seemed to change his mind.
“We had been playing during recess and I accidentally bumped her and she fell to the ground. I remember her looking up at me with anger and she screamed, ‘You are ugly and stupid, I’ll never trust you again!’ And, she never did. The next year, we were in the same room again. No matter what I did, how hard I tried to explain to her how it was an accident, she just refused to talk to me!” he said, reliving the painful memories.
“Traumas don’t have to be tattoos…”
“That sounds like a very traumatic event, Virgil. Do you think it has been undermining your self esteem and self confidence ever since?”
“Yeah, probably, Ken. As I tell you about it, all those feelings of humiliation come back in full force…even after all these years.”
“It sounds like that experience, and others after, have coloured your perception of yourself in a limiting way, Virgil. And, that view of yourself has also distorted your self confidence…even to this day. Can you see how they are connected?”
“It does make sense when I hear it. But, it was a long time ago. What can I do about it now…after all these years?”
“Traumas don’t have to be tattoos…sticking to us long after we want to get rid of them, like many people think. In fact, they are really very important learning events that contribute to our future. While a trauma invariably has a lot of intense emotional pain, it also has a counterbalancing measure of valuable learning that we use from that moment thereafter into our future.”
“Are you saying I can find something valuable, and even useful, from those terrible memories?”
“I understand what it is to go through emotional trauma and retreat and go into the world of your imagination. I understand how art and music can be a place of safety in a world of reinvention.” – Sam Taylor-Wood, artist
“… you haven’t noticed what it was you learned that has been benefiting you every day since.”
“Let me offer you a thought. When you coped with each of those terrible memories you did things unconsciously which got you through them safely.” I offered.
“You mean I survived!”
“Yes, and whatever you did added to your repertoire of behaviour options from that day forward. And, one result is you are here today, alive and well.”
“That kind of makes sense!” he said with a tone of hesitation to his voice.
“But Virgil, you haven’t noticed what it was you learned that has been benefiting you every day since. You know the costs of the memories, now it’s time to uncover the counterbalancing benefits.”
“And what does that do if I find those, Ken?”
“When you see both sides of the situation perfectly balanced, then you can let go of them, restoring your self esteem and self confidence. Then, you get on with your future. And because you have a more accurate perception of those events, you also have a more accurate perception yourself.”