Hello Hive, today I begin a new blogging journey. I have established a bit of a routine regarding my forest works so it isn't all that interesting to blog about for the moment. Don't worry, there will be more forest life journals but for the meantime I'm more excited to develop what I now present to you.
Disclaimer: the following posts are going to be brutally honest. Many people may be disappointed in me. Hell, I might even be disappointed in myself. However, I feel they are headed in the right direction and will clear a lot of the fog that has been stalling the true potential of what my life project can become.
So, what is this about? When I came to the forest the idea was to form a community based on the principles of veganism and permaculture. Somehow, instead of that I ended up becoming very lonely, angry and resented towards society. What should have been a vibrant life filled with happy people working towards the common goal of harmony with Nature, ended up being a crazy lonely freak, who's only friends and family were the plants and animals of the forest.
Perhaps, to many of you, I'm not such a freak and find me a reasonable person, but to my surrounding society in the physical world I'm someone they want to steer away from. Only the members of my blood family clan seek me out, which tends to irritate me more than do any good because I know they will not work with me towards my dreams but rather distract me from them, even though they don't do it on purpose.
We know everything is energy and so I've decided to seriously undertake the task of removing the energetic blockages that are impeding the materialization of my social desires. For that, I will count on the help of a Tarot app since I don't currently own a deck (gave mine away some time ago). Specifically I'll use a Lenormand deck in the app.
So here goes the first question:
How to attract people who are outside of my family clan and align with my ideals to work together towards a community project?
The cards drawn were Anima and the Sun. Anima is the feminine energy while the sun is positive outlook, success, warmth and truth.
Immediately this talks to me as I have been on a kind of inner war with the feminine energy. This conflict has to do with the fact that all of my last three female partners gave up on me, and during the relationship they had tons of complaints against the idea of living an ascetic life in Nature, always dreaming of having more and pursuing money to enjoy more luxury in their lives. Their pressure to "be more" and not just grateful for the simple life we could lead built up on me as I denied myself trying to work towards meeting their needs. As a good Aquarius, I built up tension without being assertive in my speech and these relationships ended in outbursts of anger which they were not able to forgive.
Another recurrent issue in these relationships was how attached they were to their families and how that would not allow them to fully embrace the idea of a true lasting union with me, instead, every time they were tired they would hide behind their parents and I would lose much respect for them.
There is an archetypical story that spins around in my mind that has to do on how the uglyness of the system exists because off women's beauty. What I mean is that there are plenty of men who are content with being feral, wild creatures of Nature, to learn it's ways and endure it's hardships so that we must not create problems in it's balance. However, our bodies crave the beauty of women, and the prettier the woman the more fickle and demanding she becomes. She wants to be queen, to have all the comforts and have others serve them to her. So we are trapped in this game where we would like to be more ascetic but always find that beautiful women steer away from us when we do this.
Men end up doing all sorts of crazy things and working their asses off to be the richest guy on the block so that the most attractive girl will show interest in him. If he's not that powerful rich guy and a highly desired woman is with him, then there is the archetypical subconscious narrative that she is using him for emotional support and probably cheating on him with a rich powerful guy.
My last two partners had the Sun as a personal arcane, so this combination of cards is talking about them somehow. My interpretation starts to lean to the idea that I must heal whatever it was that led to our pain in those relationships, as well as learn from their social perspective, as they were both a lot more social than me. If I'm interested in a community, I must learn to open up and develop social skills.
Another battle I have with the feminine energy is the relationship with my mother. She is a very smothering person and wants to be highly present in my life. She is also very social and has high social skills, but that's also part of the reason mine are poor. She's the kind of person that wants to be liked so much that she lies a lot to avoid any sort of unpleasantry. I'm always wary of her, analyzing her speech, searching for the next lie she will tell me. She's the reason I have a very hard time trusting women and thinking that there's always a catch in their speech. I've talked about all this with her but I feel she just laughs it off and doesn't truly care. I'm always confused to whether I should ban her from my life or not.
The fact that she wants to be so present in my life while other people stay away from me, makes me doubt enormously of how good her energy is in my life. I feel that she has created a barrier around us because she is also very lonely in her personal life. She's good with people but only because she wears a mask. I feel it's like her dream is for us two to be together always, that I will grow old by her side, never letting go.
Funny thing, as I wrote this she appeared at my house unannounced, telling me of all the food she had brought me. I felt it was necessary to be honest and told her if she wanted to do things right she should get a husband and have children to do things right with them from the start. Of course I didn't receive her food either. She left in tears.
Now, you might find this is cruel of me but I don't. I will not allow her to use me to fill her emotional void. She needs to find her own source of joy or she will never give me the space I need to find mine. I also have to forgive her, but I don't think that means letting her into my energy so much.
So... Just two cards and a lot came out. Guilt starts to creep in for how I treated her but I think it's time to divorce from that marriage because that's how I feel: like I'm married to her, even though that was never my decision, just hers.
Enough for today. To be continued...
