Lately, I couldn't help but wonder what a human's final moments tend to be like. What does one see before they finally shut their eyes to this world, what do they hear before they are finally pulled out of this realm, what is the last thing they think about, who is the last person they see in their minds eye?. Does everything go by in a rush or time slows down and every action is more pronounced, do they hear high pitched voices with a ringing sensation or is everything awfully quiet..... eerily quiet even?. Does everything go by in a blur or every image is way clearer?. What were their hopes, dreams, fears, regrets?. How did it feel when it finally dawned on them that they were dying, that they won't spend time with their loved ones anymore, that finally.......their journey has come to an end.
"The purpose of life is to live it". I've heard and read this particular sentence so many times and at different points in my life. Frankly, I totally agree with it (afterall, we only live once) but sometimes when I look into the vacuum left by those I've lost, how I've seen people around me struggle with the loss of a loved one, it almost makes me want to withdraw, limit the 'casualties' if I'm to frame it this way. Nobody likes the idea of being forgotten after death, everyone wants to be remembered and that's why with each passing day, we all struggle to make our mark in this life.
I saw a few lines in some books I read recently that added a bit more depth to my thoughts. What was written in those pages just kinda sat with me for a while, gradually sinking in.
Almost everyone is obsessed with leaving a mark upon the world, bequeathing a legacy, outlasting death. We all want to be remembered, I do too but the marks humans leave are too often scars. You try to build a hideous minimall, start a coup or try to become a rockstar and you think, "they'll remember me now", but (a) they don't remember you and, (b) all you leave behind are more scars.
In this same book, the author described another character that I happen to relate to.
Hazel walks lightly upon the earth. People will say that she leaves a lesser scar, that fewer remember her, that she was loved deeply but not widely. It's not sad, its triumphant.
Is it odd that this is what I want, to be loved deeply even by just a few people.......to leave lesser scars. I also want to leave my mark on this earth, I also want to be remembered as this would be my version of immortality but I don't want a lot of people being hurt at my departure yet I do not want to be forgotten. Can I have both?. To leave my mark yet inflict no pain?. Can I choose?.
Truth is , its impossible not to leave a mark. As a matter of fact, the deeper the marks, the deeper the scars. It's a rather crude way to put it but that just measures the impact you've made in that person's life. I once read a book where the lady attained immortality but at the cost of being forgotten by everyone including her family, she passed by like a phantom, having no one and nothing to call her own, seeking companionship but not being able to get any. She longed to make her mark on someone or something so that the world would know she existed, she wanted to be remembered. I know I don't want to live like this so yes I'll make my mark. Regardless of the pain, I'll leave my scars. It's sad but that's life.
In 'Finding me' by Viola Davis, she describes her father's last moments;
They don't feel hot or cold in the end, they usually have visions of people they know who have passed before them. They see this because they need permission to cross over. Most importantly, they need comfort, the best you can do is to always hold their hands.
At this point, I realized something. I'd like to be around the people who I love and who love me in return when it's my time to go. If I need comfort at that last hour, I'd love to be around people who can offer me that, people who won't leave my side till I breathe my last breath and when it's all over, they won't cry because I'm gone but be happy because they knew me when I was alive. They won't cry because it's over but they'd smile because it happened.
As for the questions I asked at the beginning, I know I'll get my answers when its my time to go but for now, I'll make the most of my time with the people I love.
