On some days like this,
I just want to fold into a ball and cry,
place my head between my knees and just stare at the ground,
rock myself back and forth as my thoughts take base,
layer themselves,
slowly but surely,
in my mind, in my heart, in my soul.....
On some days, I'm numb,
unfeeling, unyielding, absent,
not in touch with my emotions.
Other days, it's like I can't breath.
Feels like I'm drowning,
like I'm stuck under water with all efforts to swim out abortive.
My body feels like lead and gradually, I feel myself sink,
go down to the bottom of the ocean.
The water rushes into my nostrils, my ears......
Filling my lungs,
blocking out the sound.
The waves toss me around,
the current pulls me under like a weightless rag doll.
Do I fight it, why bother?.
They always win.
So I'll just drift,
roll with the flow....get lost with the tide.....
I close my eyes and let myself go...
On some days, I feel it all.
A little too much if you ask me.
My mood fluctuates,
trying to find a suitable one to settle in.
Every emotion known to man,
anger, love, joy, peace, grief, happiness, sadness.....name it.
It all hits me one by one in average doses,
not big enough to lift me up or strong enough to knock me out.
It's exhausting really, feeling like a television screen whose owners can't settle on a channel,
their restless fingers always on the remote control.....
On some nights like this, I'm overwhelmed.
With a barrage of emotions or one in particular, I do not know.
It just seems so dark,
no light in sight,
not even a spark.
The dull flame I've kindled....also dead, blown by the wind of despair.
I'm trapped in a maze of tunnels and it's getting darker and darker with every step I take.
Where do I go?.
How do I find the light that was promised at the end of it?.
So many voices, it's pure chaos in my head.
I can't cry, I don't even try.
It has never lessened my pain or grief, only registered it's presence.
I won't even scream,
my vocal cords are already stretched thin.
The end result, pointlessly losing my voice.
But I can't bottle it....I just might explode,
so I do the only thing I know,
I pick up my pen and I write.
Let my ink say the words that my lips are too tired to utter.
Cause I'm tired.....
Too, too tired of feeling let down,
tired of chasing my dreams,
seeing it just within my reach but still unable to reach it.
Tired of walking, stumbling and falling.
I mean, if I don't fall, there'll be no need to get back up right?
No need to keep struggling or trying again.
One has to fail to try again and I'm honestly tired of feeling like I'm not doing enough.
Tired of placing my trust in the wrong people,
people who'll only see you as a tool,a means to an end.
People who only highlight your good qualities for their exploits but find colourful ways to talk you down the moment they're done with you.
What's the point of helping someone kindle a fire if you're just going to douse it?.
What's the point of helping someone tend to a garden if you're just going to release pests to ruin his plants?.
What's the point of walking into someone's life when you have nothing other than pain and heartbreak to offer?
What's the point of mending a broken soul if you're only going to leave them broken beyond repair yet again???.
I am indeed tired of a lot of things,
the list is infinite.... updated every day, much to my dismay.
I can't do much but to hope and genuinely look forward to the day that I don't have to add to that list anymore.....
