It means I'm not welcome in that place anymore and I have to knock on someone else's door (who might also slam the door in my face). Okay this is just my harsher version of the supposedly positive quote "when one door closes, another opens..." At this point, I'm not sure anymore if the one who's behind that other door will be hostile too. Okay, maybe I need to change my taste for doors (lol).
I guess you can call me more of a red-pilled person, more like someone who embraces the inconvenient truth of life's realities rather than being too hopeful about everything. I don't know why I feel this way now, it must be old age (along with the insane effects of PMS, sleeplessness, having a crazy black cat who brings out the Diablo in me and other crazies who push me to my limits).
Why do some of us have become suspicious of anything good in this world? Why can't we just believe in our innate ability to attract all the positive things into our lives (close your eyes and say uhmmmmm secret-ish kind of manifestation). Is it because we want to be constant in our patterns that a slight deviation to the bright side will invalidate us?
You may ask what's this blah all about? Well, I'm supposed to be happy right now because just as I'm about to get fired from my other job (for diabolically demanding everyone to raise their standards and adapt to change), another opportunity came. I must be so charming that the people who interviewed me yesterday hired me straight away. The job is the same but this time it's going to be temporary work-from-home setup because the company is located in my city and I am here on the island living my simple life. And there's still domestic travel ban and all that due to duh, pandemic.
I am supposed to be super happy because this new job offers 2x my current salary + other benefits. I now realized that I really am that super charming (lol). Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that I can easily get a job despite the circumstances. It's just that for some reason, money does not pretty much excite me on a cellular level anymore especially when I know deep down what will cost me again to get that. I feel like I'm still recovering from the trauma and toxicity from my job (I've already accepted that I might get fired unless they accept my resignation). And we all know that it's the same shit in most corporate jobs out there. We are simply just a cog in the machine.
Okay, so let's focus on my real dilemma here before I start to blah unnecessarily about other things.
I'm still not sure how the exit from my current job will pan out. Will they accept my resignation or will I get fired in the end? Then there's still this damn admin hearing that I have to attend, ugh! (I feel like I don't want to explain myself anymore - what's the point?).
This new job offer expects me to move back to my city when "this is all over."
Okay so number 2 is a bit tricky because I use this as a reason to even get accepted to this new job. I told the interviewers that I'm leaving my current company so I can finally move back to my city (because I know they only hire people who actually live in the city). But they all work from home currently and you all know this is what I want right from the very beginning.
And let's not forget the fact why I live on this island despite the many other challenges. City life is not for me anymore especially where I am (think traffic, the commute, the pollution, the stress and all). And most importantly, I have my online travel agency business here which is put on hold right now due to COVID. And I finally have a nice place here now without noisy roosters and barking dogs (I'm cancelling them). Surrounded with trees and other peaceful things. And when I lose my job, I can still live and relax. The cost of living is cheap. But if I'm in the city, I'd be dead for sure. So basically, the benefits of city life will not outweigh the benefits of my island life.
So here's my own solution to #1 issue. First, if ever my current company didn't accept my resignation and terminated me in the end (I will find out soon), I'll just accept it and think of another reason to tell this new employer to make it look like I'm not that diabolic person (gosh I'm so worried people will know lol). Maybe I just don't submit my latest "employment certificate" to the HR of my new company because I won't even get it anyway.
My solution to #2 is that when the time comes that I'm already allowed to travel domestically, I will again think of another reason to tell my new employer as to why I should stay here on the island. What I will do is to start working asap and build relationship with them (hopefully I won't be just as diabolic) so they might consider my request of staying here on the island.
You will probably ask me why I even applied to this new job in the first place? I was desperate to get out of my job that I applied to too many jobs in the past. I have actually forgotten about this company. They just called me this week and I almost missed the interview yesterday (I didn't know it would be via MS Teams and I was waiting for a phone call the whole time lol). So I thought whatever, if I get hired, I'll just work for them for as long as I can so I can save a bit for my tiny home. And then guess what, I got hired.
And my final solution is to just freakin' let go of control. If get fired in my current job or lose the other job because I can't move to the city, then f*ck it. Because I'm tired. So very tired. I'll have to learn how to accept when things don't go my way. And just deal with the situation when I'm actually already in it. Or probably just treat everything just as means to an end and not take everything personally anymore (easier said than done because I'm passionate about what I do). There are so many other doors of opportunity anyway - this is the beauty of life. I no longer want to overanalyze things. I just want to let things be. All this overthinking does is suck the joy out of me. And I'm done focusing too much in the past and the future.