Last week, the Ghost of Musical Greatness Past left me with a mind-blowing thought for the new year ...
Do you notice that when I start to get overjoyed and I glow up, we tend to move in a specific direction?"
I considered this at the time ...
"Yes -- into the light, because people wouldn't understand and we can't explain how you are doing that in the context of normal human experience."
So then, Frau Mathews, it would seem to follow that in order to avoid unnecessary explanations that will serve no good purpose among those who do not have the experience and dedication to learn just how you are glowing up in life, you also might consider moving into more light.
That took a week of me thinking ... and such deep thoughts required the memories of a bright mid-autumn walk and also Bach in his highest joys...
... because I finally remembered where that hint of a lesson was pointing me ... it's a long strand, but I considered that the moon can be up reflecting the sun but we will not see it or the stars in the sky ... they are hidden in greater light. We will not from here discern the details of the sun -- it is too bright, and will destroy our eyes if we attempt it. That is first natural principles ... back of that, one gets to what is said in Scripture about God, Himself -- invisible, (because) robed in light that no one can approach.
That is, on the highest levels, light conceals itself, in plain sight.
"And thus we explore new horizons, my dear, in 2026," the Ghost of Musical Greatness Past said as he materialized, "but always and ever, climbing into greater light. There are many aspects of this we may look forward to exploring, and we have had a forerunner to this lesson too, mein kleiner Stern."
My little star ... because he knew I refused to think of myself as a bigger one ... but even a little star is immense, with immense gravity, and must be among its fellow stars ... and can only be hidden in the company of stars brighter or closer to the viewer.
"I thought about coming and singing your arrangement for 'Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star,'" he purred, "but it is Eric Hollaway's to do, in good time -- for it is his time!"
"I love you not least because of your humility!" I said as I walked into his embrace.
"I will come back to that later, Frau Mathews," he purred as he wrapped his long arms around me. "When at home on high, I give thanks that I was led to live such a life that you might be at home with me, and let the embrace of my legacy into your life."
"But also, I have been saying to you more and more often that I feel at home with you ... I have experienced more and more of the utter joy that is my constant experience at home on high while with you, and you too are having more and more disclosures of that in your life. We need not explain that to each other *because we are walking and reflecting the same light, as you come nearer to what ultimately is your home as well, and thus your reflection of it -- and even radiation of it, from within.
"Now then, it was of the utmost necessity that you attain to this level of growth before we could explore this lesson, Frau Mathews, but also to the depth of humility necessary. You accepting the delaying of your plans in 2025 to care for your own health and then your parents just after your own recovery was all to good purpose, for in turning even more from being seen in the world for your many gifts, you are finding more and more of the type of light to reflect and take in that others simply cannot."
He smiled, and the warm radiance of his smile was heard in the timbre of his voice.
"Only on the holiest and stillest of nights can one see the light upon the sea sung of in Löwe's 'Meeresleucthen,' and although the poet's explanation of how that light got there from many successive sunsets has been corrected by later science, it is still true that to witness it on purpose, one must be in readiness, and on a journey set apart from the busyness and glaring lights of the world!"
Then he blushed, even as he smiled more.
"I sang a song and you heard a roadmap ... this old German bass can hardly believe anyone ever listened deeply enough to him to figure that out."
"Believe it -- glauben Sie es," I said. "You remain as much a master teacher as a master singer."
"Frau Mathews, your darling head is right over where my heart used to be in my mortal frame, and you are saying all that in your sweet, deep, loving voice and making me forget there is not anything right there to have skipping beats -- how do you expect me not to send you straight on to the Knockout Zone singing this song with you doing that?"
"Oops," I said. "Well, I'm going to just have to accept the consequences."
"It is as well," he said. "I shall take you to those shores, to see what I saw in my mind's eye on the day I sang this and Cord Garben was kind enough to go into multi-meter playing and not send me into eternity by knocking me down with the music binder afterward."
"Well," I said, "that would have been some live entertainment, but, I'm glad y'all upheld a higher standard!"
Oh, he had a good laugh about that -- the Laughing Big One rolled over a San Francisco morning and delighted the city instead of terrifying it, although I'm sure the seismologists were trying to figure out why every time there was an aftershock, their instruments drew a smile!
Meanwhile, he forgot he didn't have to sit down, and so had to sit down for laughing so hard!
"Habe Dank, Frau Mathews!" he said at last. "I see we are starting the New Year in high spirits!"
"Well, why not?" I said.
"Long have I waited to hear such from you," he said, and suddenly glowed up dramatically in his joy, "and it was worth every step of the way! For me to see this light of joy coming from you -- it was worth every step of the way, through watching you endure so much loss and grief, so many hopes drowned like sunsets quenched in the depth of the sea -- to come to this radiance of peace and joy, set apart from the eyes of the rushing world!"
Again, 9/8 time never stood a chance ... E major had to add some extra major ... the rules of crooning being a thing for higher-voice men had to get broken again ... that midnight black voice, lit up from top to bottom like the North Sea under stars, filled with the sea light phenomenon the song describes ... he did what he said he would, for when he hit that high crooned B, I closed my eyes to this world and saw all that he described, the bench we sat upon having been moved to that shore.
It was a good thing it was such a beautiful morning, and in a place so much apart from the noise of the world ... an easy transition back to the Oak Woodlands of Golden Gate Park, in that light...
... and again I could see what my companion had been saying the week before: he was intensely glowed up still, still overjoyed to the point that I was not sure he was going to be able to get out a word of English because while on the shore I had heard him quietly uttering prayers of gratitude upward in his mother tongue, but at a rate that my German was inadequate to keep up with except to know that was what he was doing. However, to the passers-by, this would not be seen, because there was enough light in the surroundings to account for it -- he was demonstrating the lesson of the day in real time of light concealing itself.
I was right -- he looked at me and opened his mouth and then shut it with a shake of his head and a smile -- he was still too moved to speak.
I thought hard...
"Perhaps we could walk a while," I said. "Vielleicht können ... ."
"Vielleicht können wir ein Stück spazieren gehen," he said with a smile, and then answered in German, "Ja, est es eine gute Idee."
"Yes, it is a good idea," I said, agreeing with him as we got up.
"Let me get my English back into my grip -- you see that you are pressing the limits of an autodidactic grasp of German, based on the limited time you have to spend," he said. "In essence, you wanted to suggest a little walk, a piece of a walk, and that word -- Stück comes out in German idiomatically with the same word used for a piece of music -- but you can't get there from finding analogies in American English, and you also can't get there from German lieder and their poetry, although I must say you have done about as well as anyone ever has in the past four years in figuring out so much. I am not chiding you for lack of formal study; I know time and money are at a premium. I mention it only to go with later suggestions to applying this lesson, but later in the month."
We came to a place where the fireworks of the New Year seemed to have been captured in tree form ...
... and there, now calm enough, he returned to the lesson at hand ... just barely calm enough ...
"I have to keep before me," he said, "that I actually have to be helpful to you. I have waited a long time to teach this lesson, and it is not one that most people can receive. Many want to be the luminary in their world to get all the attention, not understanding that all attention is actually not good attention. You noted last week that your old friends popped up again at the end of 2024, drawn to your light and advancement, but only for what they hoped to gain from it -- I do not think you want that kind of attention more than is necessary."
"Certainly not," I said. "I have nothing to place on display in Vanity Fair, and would rather not be the target of its representatives."
"The second reason many cannot receive this is because light exposes everything -- as it is written, 'men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil.' One cannot move into the light with anything that requires darkness to conceal it."
"OK, wait, what?" I said, stopping in my tracks so my brain could catch up.
"You have heard of the phrase 'hidden in plain sight,' Frau Mathews. It follows, then, that some things can be concealed in darkness, but other things can be concealed in light -- and light, itself, can only be concealed by more local intensity of light. With a week of thought, you have already realized this on the level of first natural principles all the way up to the throne room on high -- but also, if you take that journey, many things can be hidden in the night where the moon and stars are seen. There is enough darkness there, and even in daylight on Earth, and between the moons and the planets, there are shadows -- the play of light and shade is what gives the day so much of its beauty in these wooded places --
" -- but go high enough, and near enough to the light -- even into it, if even on first natural principles alone we simply walking on the surface of the sun -- and you will find there is no darkness to hide anything in, and thus, no possibility of those things surviving such exposure!"
"Wait ... wait a minute ... what you have said here ... I've wondered so many times why people can see better above them ... every reason to come on the climb with me to better things seen in better light, but you're telling me that ... wait, what?"
"I'm just the echo, Frau Mathews. I quote again where it is written: 'Men loved darkness rather than light, for their deeds were evil.' It is not that anyone you loved who turned back is more wicked than you fundamentally as a human -- we are all capable of unthinkable evil. The difference is merely how much you have been willing to release practices, associations, aspirations, and patterns to climb into the light -- to embrace the call out of darkness into the marvelous light, more and more and more. Even on first natural principles -- you have developed as a major creative because you have turned away from the distractions of the world, including Web 2 in the main, into the radiating light of your creativity from within.
"No one can face in two directions at the same time, or walk in two directions at the same time. So, those who cherish their pride, their spite, their bigotry, their envy, their jealousy, and whatever else but still want to be considered 'good people' must go toward the darkness in which they can conceal the truth, Frau Mathews. Individuals as well as whole cultures do this, and they advance no further than they can go and still do this. And also, in fairness, there are people who deal with guilt and shame and fear, and not always of their own making. In either case, it does not matter what is up ahead, unless they are willing to drop the things that they cannot bear to have seen in that greater light."
He sighed.
"Here I shall point out two particularly sad cases from Schubert and Strauss," he said. "In the one we have the case of a man who has followed an Irrlicht, an erring light, a will-o'-the-wisp, into a mountain valley, and is making excuses for his behavior because he is used to going astray, and to him it really doesn't matter -- it does not even trouble his mind. But without me singing 'Der Wegweiser' from Winterreise, you know the time comes, a mere 12 songs later, when that same man cannot follow any safe path presented to him, though by then he wants to."
"Yep - you know, I found out this week that is a thing that has happened on Mt. Roraima in Venezuela -- a man was led in circles by lights and said he couldn't stop following them for days -- he was blessed to be rescued!"
(For your viewing enjoyment -- from about 1:42 to 2:45)
"I was so shocked," I said. "That was 1995 -- just thirty-one years ago!"
"Frau Mathews, there is a reason I took the care that I did in my mortal life over my singing -- what I sang, and how. It is all real, all part of the human experience, and to be handled with that much care. If the mind can dream it up, the capacity to actually experience it is also there, and at this late date in history, there is a high probability that someone already has or shortly will. This is why it is such a good thing that when I sing a warning about what can happen in the human experience, you hear it."
"That definitely hits different after I learned about what happened in 1995," I said. "Yikes."
"Would you believe there is an even sadder case in the human experience?" he said.
"I would," I said. "You mentioned Strauss, so I know you are going to discuss a case more fatal than even Mt. Everest on a bad day."
"Indeed -- no adventure required," he said, "for a person can take their favorite person or thing and make it the light, and when it goes out, turn from all other light in despair. Individuals and cultures have likewise thus perished, but what I wish to point out to you at this hearing is this, Frau Mathews: the problem does not start when at the end the Solitary One says, 'take me in, eternal night!' The problem does not start when the abyss opens at his feet in the line before, thus offering him the opportunity to step off into it. The problem does not even start in the beginning, when he says, 'Where I am, I am ringed around by the deepest darkness, dense and tight.'"
He paused, and then looked into my eyes.
"You are quite a woman, Frau Mathews, but you hardly aspire to fill the sky with your light," he said. "What would you think of the man who thought you were the sun, and forgot the sun is actually still there?"
"Actually, there's a song for that too," I said. "Remember 'Die Nebensonnen' -- he might say there are even three suns in the sky, but they are not his suns, so he turns from them in despair."
"Good point, Frau Mathews -- very good drawing Schubert and Strauss together like that. Both men have the same reason at the beginning, and at the end: they have made some woman the whole light, and she isn't supposed to be in that position in Winterreise or 'Der Einsame.' She's just a person, and even the best people still have to die."
I lowered my head.
"I spoke with my grand old soldier on his birthday -- perhaps his last in this world," I said. "I understand how the abyss can open at any survivor's feet -- if he and I were not looking at and going to the same light ... ."
"And even then, Frau Mathews," he said. "I do not think any human being has not spent some time in moments in which the darkness of grief is so deep it can be felt, or not faced the temptation of deadly despair. The key thing is, if you get there, and you have not practiced walking in the light so that you know this is but a temporary moment, there is no resisting the gravity of the abyss. Those erring lights that are convenient and comfortable have no power there, and that is why those who follow those lights do not make it out."
Black holes, and the fact that no light in Creation can escape them, are, in fact, real. Therefore I knew what grip the character in "Der Einsame" was in as soon as I got past the butter-smooth consonants by reading the lyrics ... however, listening to the light vanish from that black-hole-deep voice in the end works by itself. The event horizon of a black hole is very bright, and his is the perfect voice for that through the brighter portions of the song, but also perfect for the moment the character chooses to cross over that horizon into the eternal darkness of the point of no return ...
"But to that," the singer said, pulling his voice out of that unfathomable depth as quickly as was appropriate, "you are not called, *meine Tochter."
"No, I am not," I said, and turned my face, though covered with tears at the thought of the love I am slowly, agonizingly losing, into the light.
"That is the way, Frau Mathews," my companion said, very gently as he sat down and embraced me, one immense hand pulling out his ever-ready ethereal handkerchief to give to me.
I rested quite some time, allowing the pain to pass, and at some point we walked up into greater light.
My companion was silent as we got up the rise and crossed it, heading down toward the Fuchsia Dell, but I could see him deep in thought, his immense brow slightly furrowed, dark eyes softly burning ... but he stayed silent all the way down into the dell ...
... and to another sunny seat ...
... and still said nothing, but from the seat, remembered this beautiful piece by Saint-Saens in D flat to drive of the last of C sharp minor darkness from "Der Einsame."
"Well, Saint-Saens and sunshine is quite the consolation," I said. "Bonus points for you purring along with those low bass notes and helping out."
He chuckled.
"Depth lifts your spirits," he said, "and of course I do try to be helpful."
"Many thanks -- Vielen Dank," I said.
"Gern geschehen," he purred. "My pleasure, Frau Mathews."
We enjoyed the sunshine for a good while after that, and then, in gentle voice, he resumed the lesson.
"Now, since we have passed through but not lingered in the darkness, for we have nothing to hide such that we should desire to remain there, we can return to the main matter. I propose that you have your grand old soldier as a kind of standard candle to measure your future companions -- he blazed a trail of love too steep and bright for most to follow!"
"He did," I said. "He did his utmost in that."
"I use that term, mein kleiner Stern, because certain stars are used in astronomy to determine the nearness and brightness of other stars."
"Here we go again with you thinking that I'm going to twinkle, twinkle," I said, and laughed.
"I know what you are, Frau Mathews, and so does everyone around you," he said. "Your immense gravity leaves no doubt, and since you illuminate your world and make it warmer and brighter, you are no black hole."
"The secret's out, eh?" I said.
"Frau Mathews, you were the last to know, and because you are stubbornly struggling with the reality, you have occasionally tried to join orbits that cannot hold you. Since 2022, you have learned that there is enough space for you to shine alone and not be troubled ... and there is ... the sun is alone among stars across a distance we shall never cross in mortality except by imagination to the next nearest star, and it will forever conceal itself in its own light to the naked eyes of mortals. It does its day job, relative to us, and goes out of sight -- and yes, of course, we know the Earth rotates, but we will look at what we experience in poetic terms for the moment by way of analogy! The Sun's day job is very important -- absolutely essential -- but when it is done, the night shift takes over and the Sun is not bothered, and we have no idea what it does with its off time!"
"I like this idea!" I said.
"You should -- it is how you are living, relative to the world, mein kleiner Stern!"
"Oh ... yeah," I said, and he cracked up laughing.
"The last to know!" he said.
"I guess so!" I said, and just laughed along with him.
"I will say this, Frau Mathews, to end where we began last week: if you desire to share your space again, there are limitations to your current approach. Because of your ministry in the world, and because of the state of your community, you are often called to be the luminary in the room. Therefore, of course, everyone sees you and comes to the light, and you have to sort out who is genuine and who is not. This is hard on you because you see the need in everyone, and you are an empath, yet you have learned the hard way that those who will not climb cannot be your close companions, for you must keep moving upward. You have also learned it is not to your advantage to be completely visible -- not to give too much, because people are perfectly willing to waste your time and energy staying comfortable going downhill.
"That said: in matters that are discretionary, beyond what comes with your responsibilities, position yourself ever closer to greater light, and only those who can do what is necessary to approach that in its power will see you. You may take that idea from here to eternity."
"OK, that was a lot," I said. "That speaks of walk with God, but also, changes the idea about choices of places, spaces, and companions on earth."
"But you are already doing it, Frau Mathews," he purred. "On your African American side, you have taken your elders and your grand old soldier as standard candles, and from the side of Germany and Austria, you have taken Bach and Bruckner and somehow put some little old German bass in the middle there between those two giants, a placement about which he blushes whenever he thinks of it ... ."
His blush glow-up was so adorable...
"And I did not make a mistake and am not changing my mind," I said, and smiled as he blushed even more and bowed.
"I can only thank you, Frau Mathews," he said. "I point it out because I am the only celebrity even close to the modern day, and was immensely famous in my time ... yet you love me best for my singing of the humble lieder, and sought out every memory of me in humble teacher/father mode, part of my life concealed to most by the light of my fame on stage. This is an advance you have made, Frau Mathews, in the past four years, for that says a lot about what you take as a measurement of the brightness of the company you need to keep in order to feel safe."
"Oops," I said. "Well, that is going to make 2026 hard, because those are some rarefied types of friendships and rooms I would have to be in to find your like."
"And yet, Frau Mathews, you have already decided that unless you can achieve those rarefied types and rooms, you will walk only with God through this world, for that is what you have been doing since 2022. However, if you look around, you are not without my approximate analogs, even now ... the questions of 2026 are, do you want to walk any significant distance with any of those present, and, who new will be drawn to your immense gravity, and for what purpose?"
I considered this ... it was indeed a new view on my life ... but then, that for a new year made sense.
"The second we cannot know the answer to until it unfolds," I said. "But to the first, no, not at the moment. I am finding that I do well to keep the associates of the "day job" beloved right where they are -- we shine together in responsibility, but beyond that ... no. There is nothing discretionary about the nature of our relationships, and so it should remain."
"Then we may consider 2026, and your 45th year beginning next week, a completely new horizon, Frau Mathews," he said. "By the way: the way you have carried on about my birthday when it has come on Thursday ... I do hope you are ready, young lady, for some carrying on next Thursday!"
"I would expect no less from a basso profondo buffo," I said.
"You have indeed changed, Frau Mathews!" he cried, and glowed up to the point that the sunshine was given a good deal of work to do keeping that hidden. "Long have I waited to begin a year in rejoicing! Long have I waited for you to attain such joyful boldness!"
"I just hope the people who think I'm about to be Frau Altesrouge are ready," I said.
He started.
"I forgot about that and them," he said, with a look of concern ... but then, with perfect comic timing: "Oops!"
And thus we laughed on into the sunlight of the day!
