Hey Steemers!
My last post discussed how I came into my eating disorder and part of the mentality behind it. I want to use this post to explore my previously disordered perception of food and how I construct it now.
I used to give it so much power. In my mind it became this tempting substance, always to be wary of and never to be trusted. My cravings brought me crazy anxiety. I avoided social gatherings and eating out in order to keep control over my intake. I continuously told myself no; I denied myself, and denied myself, and denied myself… and what happened? I felt deprived. I became a black hole of wants and desires and cravings, none of which I satisfied. It was as if I expected myself to be able to photosynthesize. I don’t mean to make light of this disordered thinking; my last comment was meant only to illustrate the extremity of the expectations I placed on myself.
The thing is this: food is not scary. It is the means by which we sustain life. It is composed of macro- and micro- nutrients that are necessary to our survivin’ and thrivin’ in these bodies. Biologically speaking, there is a specific purpose to each. Calories are a unit of energy, NOT “tiny creatures that sew your clothes tighter at night” or ANY other such bullshit statement. Our basic, autonomic functions require energy. Your heart, lungs, digestive system.. These things are in constant dynamic motion and thus in need of constant fuel.
Another thing: food is a means by which humans connect. It is how we celebrate, extend support, and come together. The act of preparing food for another is a labor of love; the act of consuming it is a means of gratitude. There is such beauty in this wordless exchange because it is universally understood. The giver and receiver connect in this moment, and each satisfies far more than their appetite. By denying myself food prepared by others, I was denying myself a whole language of communication. There was always a strange feeling of disconnect when I “was too busy to sit down for dinner” or refused to taste test a new recipe. Without intending to, I was separating myself from the collective fold in exchange for a controlled and isolated existence.
My holistic view of food is this. It should not bring us fear, because it is vital and basic. It should bring us joy, because it is rich in its ability to connect us. We should consume a wide variety of things, of many colors, that taste good and make us feel satisfied. Experiencing the world through our senses is one of the great pleasures of life. We should feel nothing but gratitude when we indulge our taste buds.
