Hey Steemers,
I want to share another aspect of my story. I lost my period for ~6 years due to the restrictive nature of my eating disorder. This condition is called amenorrhea, and it occurs in many individuals who contend with anorexia. It has had a profound effect on my psyche.
Our bodies are ingenious survivors, meaning that they can and will overcome our efforts to harm them. They are fierce and they are fiesty. They become crafty if necessary, astounding us with the depths of their resilience. When I began restricting my calories below what was required to live, my body rebelled. My hair and nails grew slowly; skin became dry and chapped; feeling chilled was a constant; sleep was an allusive state. Then I lost my period, and with it, the hope of someday carrying a child.
My body recognized the state of deprivation and allocated its limited resources to vital functions. I am grateful that my heart kept beating, brain kept working, and lungs kept expanding. This was possible because my body stopped spending calories on the processes required for menstruation. It is an expensive endeavor, and not inherently necessary. Think about that... I limited my body to basic survival. I wanted so much more than that.
I felt like less of a woman, less of a human. I had always wanted kids, and the fact that I was actively participating in making it impossible broke my heart. It was the first time I recognized the extent of what I was doing to my body; I can't say that I took it seriously before that.
I acknowledged that I was causing myself legitimate harm, but still felt trapped by destructive behaviors. I continued to under eat and over exercise, regardless of doctors' warnings. My shame ran deep. I felt so selfish and narcissistic, chasing beauty ideals over health and the ability to reproduce. This is the insidious power of eating disorders: their ability to co- opt our behavior. It took me a long time (~6 years) to begin the healing process.
I am by no means "cured" or without disordered tendencies. But I have made incredible progress. I eat more, I listen carefully to my body and its needs. I still deny it sometimes, but the moments I don't make me so proud. My period comes sometimes, as if my body is testing the waters. I'll take it. I'll celebrate each cramp and craving as a bold move in the right direction. Talk about resilience.
I want to note as well that I am NOT saying that we can recover from anything, and to therefore throw health precautions to the wind. There will be permanent effects from my years of extreme deprivation. I will always have poor circulation in my hands and feet, and it will be more difficult for me to get pregnant when I choose to do so. However, to those who are struggling I will say this- it is never too late to heal. Forgive, move forward into a healthy relationship with yourself. We are meant for so much more than just survival. Let's thrive together.
The following pictures are me with the baby members of my family. They make me excited for the potential of my future.
