Soo, I've been gone for 4 months while I really wanted to post, to come back, almost every day. I don't know why I did it. I felt some strange pressure leading me away. I enjoy it here, I like the people, I like writing, I like throwing votes around. But then what happened? I don't know. Sometimes I figure things out as I write, so maybe we can find out together.
I played online games every day since I left. They were my escape, where I hid from the feeling of guilt of not doing the things I like or the things I must do. The things I like include Steem, and as Steem was my main earning last year, I'd say it's also a thing I must do. But I also hid from going to the doctor, simply didn't do it, and my mum had to make the appointments many months late for me to finally get my regular check. I still haven't done any of the exams I was told to a month ago. (Mental note to force myself sometime soon in the future)
As I played the games, at first, I told myself I was looking for inspiration, and then I just slowly became a bit addicted, as all good games "should" get their users. Maybe it was that, maybe I was just scammed out of my time by a few witty game developers. Or maybe there was a deeper reason to why I left.
I had already been feeling a bit down. I'm one of the sad bunch that doesn't like to work too much to get money, but ends up working doubly when ends need to be met and the savings for the "future" are gone. Maybe that was that. Maybe this was my regular burning up, my regular bi-yearly vacation near April that simply pushes a hurricane around me and blows everything away but the calm of the eye, the comfort zone. And then I try to leave the comfort zone again until two years later it hits me again? Maybe it's that, maybe I just drive too intensely up the slope and need to fix my engine for a few months.
I can't deny that I did crazy progress by saving so much money while strictly doing only unconventional things such as writing for the blockchain and programming bots. Clearly it wasn't enough though, and maybe that's the problem. I've realized that Steem and programming bots is not the most profitable activity ever. I can live off of it but it's not enough to move out, pay a plane ticket, rent in a new country, studies and new-life expenses. Maybe that's what depresses me: the knowledge that even though I really love this, it's not affordable to do it full-time, and that even though this brings in money, it's such a small edge that I need to optimize and keep adding eternally, in a get-rich game that only lets you fill your pockets with spare change.
Yeah, I think that's pretty close to the truth. Jackpot! Bingo! Victory Royale! Now I know that I'm just so "greedy" that I prefer nothing to bare living standards. It's like going on a hunger strike to protest unjust salaries, except you're self-employed, and you set the salary yourself when you picked this line of work, and nobody cares, and you die from hunger. Whoops. Also, strikes need activism, I was just playing games, so it was more like I got tired of being so lazy that I wasn't earning enough, and I decided that I was going to solve my insatisfaction by being even lazier and playing games for 4 months straight. Pat on the back, that was real smart.
Moving forward, what are the plans for the future? Well, the Sharon-brand continues, we're shipping nuclear missiles to China in unmarked fishing boats. I'm planning a few tragedies worldwide. Prepare your bunker because we're going on a radiation tour across the whole world, consider hunger and slavery over because they will all be dead by New Year's Eve. What a gift, world peace, ending hunger and suffering.
Now seriously, what am I doing now? I plan on coming back. I've been setting the stage. I found a nice weekly planning app with hour slots. I set some activities for today! I didn't do any of them, but that's a start, at least I planned the day? I really need some help to get productive. I have a new character for my fiction series. I've been developing her, finding some nice things, and I believe that she'll be ready next week for launch. Don't expect the, because I'm not very reliable when it comes to continuing worlds and characters, but don't be surprised if a few stories pop up next week. I've been collecting illustrations, lore and other funny bits of interest.
In other news, I was invited to play DnD on an online chat of friends. That's a first. I've never played it but I've always been interested. I don't know how the experience will be. They all love me and treat me well, but somehow I think I'm not the best fit in that group, or any group, because my mind is a bit dark and strange. We'll see. I'll try to remember to come back after the fact and write down my experience with it.