I've had chances in life.
I've done well with them for myself. Gotten good stuff out of my efforts. And I've worked very hard, to the point where I was sick with myself. I've gotten burnt out several times from working with people who think I owe them more than they owe me. Meanwhile, I always think they owe me more than I owe them. Who's right?
The self-doubt always comes back. A little bit of impostor's syndrome holding a dev by the hand. Isn't that poetically typical? So many times I've been tired, and I just let go of the rope and everything falls down the cliff. People, companies, sometimes even myself.
Maybe it's a condition. Maybe it's bad choices. Maybe it's a little bit of A, a little bit of B, and a little bit of XYZ.
And so it happens that I've had enough experience to learn so much, and yet, I cannot take anyone seriously enough. People come with ideas and I listen to them and time passes and I don't respond. I think: does it matter? Do their ideas have anything to think of, really?
Most people don't offer that much anyway. Most people don't have that much to offer. But should they? How much is my time worth? How much is their money worth?
It's been remarked I look down on some people. I didn't believe it at first but maybe this idea-discrimination I do is part of it. Maybe I feel I'm better than everyone who's putting money on the table and asking me to do stuff in exchange for it. Maybe I say yes for the money and think little of the tasks. Maybe, just maybe, I could've done more to save the sinking ships I accepted to ride. Maybe I shouldn't have said "it's time to rest" when I saw the holes and was tired, and instead jumped to help patch them. Maybe I should've saved some of the tiny ships that came by asking for safe harbor when I had it.
People notice I'm capable, but they don't notice I have zero motivation. Maybe that's why I charge so much. A depression premium to motivate me to shake my sleepy brain into painful action, into walking through the nauseous mud, the rough friction of feeling like I am lowering myself to the level of the task, just to get it going.
Oh, if these founders knew of what I think of the tasks, would they hire me? Would they hire anybody? What would the workforce look like? Then again, so many people are glad to work. I do wonder what makes them so. I am, most certainly, not so.
