I usually laugh when people say that forgiveness is one of the easiest things to do. News flash: it’s not! It’s not just forgetting what someone did to you; it’s the strength to let go of everything that the hurt comes with, including the pain and the trauma, the very reasons that you are refusing to forgive them to begin with.
The reason that many people find it hard to forgive is that they find it hard to let go of the pain and suffering that came from the hurt. For many, letting go of the pain could seem like letting them off easy. And once you no longer feel the pain and the sting of their betrayal, you will no longer have a reason to be mad at them. That is the logic behind it. And when you think about it, it does make sense.
We’re encouraged to be forgiving because the alternative is to keep all this pain and hurt inside us, bottling up all that negative energy within us. And it’s never good. Because no one deserves to live for that long in our heads and have that kind of effect, it needs to go somewhere; if not, the bad feelings will accumulate, and in no time, you’ll find yourself punishing other people for the sins of those who are no longer in your life.
Imagine punishing your own child just because his father broke your heart, or being a jealous and insecure boyfriend just because your last girlfriend cheated on you. I could go on and on, but the facts of the matter will remain the same. If you keep things buried inside you, it’s only a matter of time before you transfer the subsequent aggression to others, and you could end up losing good people and opportunities as a result.
The reason we’re encouraged to be forgiving is not for the benefit of the people we forgive, no! It’s for our benefit! Forgiveness is not absolving them of their sins or the role they played in getting you hurt. Forgiveness is simply letting go of all the consequences of that hurt. Including the reason for the hurt. Forgiveness is choosing not to be affected any longer by that act or by the person who hurt you. Because the pain makes it easier to hate them, we hold on to it as our lives depend on it. Forgiveness forces us to confront that pain and let it go. So they’d no longer have any hold over us.
That is why you can forgive someone, and still not be on talking terms with them. You can forgive someone and treat them as a stranger, it works just fine. It doesn’t make them your friend, it only makes them someone who no longer has power over you. And once this phase is passed, even if we see these people on the road, we’d walk past them, and we won’t feel a single thing. Because we have chosen to put ourselves first.
So, is there anyone who has hurt me so bad that I swore never to forgive them? Nah… thankfully, I’ve not experienced that kind of pain, and I really hope not to. Because I don’t want to know what it would feel like to abandon peace of mind in place of pain.
No, thank you.
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