What is the most dangerous thing in this world? If someone asked me this I would say human beings.
Yes! Humans are dangerous ones. Why?
Well, they know how to trick and use people, stupidly weak people,
people who trust others easily.
People who don't want to use others for their own good.
It's not like they don't know what they are doing or what the price will cost, they do know, but still, they enjoy this.
I want to know, at the end of the day when they went to bed comfortably, do they feel guilty for what they have done to those people?
When I was a child my mother always said to never trust anyone whom you don't know.
In this world, every single person has their intentions to achieve something. If it means anything to accomplish that motive, they will not hesitate to do something dangerous.
Merely weak people like me are the tools for them.
Of course, I didn't understand those words of my mother. But when I grew up a little I had my first stab in my back.
I was around 10 years old. In school, I had a friend. She was really close to me. We share lots of things with each other. One day I was scolded at home because I got 20 marks in math on the exam, (don't mind, I'm very bad at math) and as a friend, I told this to her and also asked her not to say this in class or other students will make fun of me. The next day when I got in class my other friends were laughing while talking about something. I got curious and joined them, but as soon as they noticed me they went silent. I asked what was going on?
One of my friends asked me what did my mother tell me after I got 20 marks in math? And they were laughing at me and that friend of mine was also with them. When I asked her why she did that, she told me she couldn't help it.
She wants to look cool in front of others and she finds my situation interesting to share.
I know this was a really dumb story and I almost forgot this story. But whenever I got hurt by this kind of person, this stupid story popped up in my head. It reminds me that I didn't change a bit.
That 10-year-old self is still as vibrant as before. Today I got tricked again. But this time it affects my work. This is the proof that I didn't change. I preposterously trust someone who is almost going to destroy my only place where I can truly be myself.
I trust people easily. I made this habit unconsciously and it made me weak. So damn much weak that sometimes I want to run away from this reality. I tried to avoid people and keep silent as much as possible. But the more I tried, the more I got driven into this. And I don't know why I always attract something or someone bad for me.
I met so many people in my lifetime, but I didn't find anyone like me:- Stupid, naive and trouble maker.
Stupid because I don't know what is bad for me until it causes me some serious crisis. I think people who came to me are much more like me. Nobody will harm me as long as I harm someone.
Naive because I don't have any idea about people's actions, I don't know how to judge.
Trouble maker because for my stupidity I make trouble for people who are close to me and genuinely care for me.
I don't give a damn care about me or my suffering, but it hurts when someone gets in this shitty situation for me. I don't want to see someone suffer for me.
Someone told me if I continue to be like this I will lose everything and everyone including myself. I got frightened and tried to change myself more desperately.
While I was trying to improve, my mind and heart adopted some fear like being judged by others, being not good enough and being left alone.
It's not like I have always bumped into bad or cruel or double-faced human beings, there are also lots of good people in my life.
I know this suffering of mine is nothing compared to others who suffer more than this. But hey! Nobody knows anything unless they see it for themselves.
I'm thankful to those people who still have the patience to tolerate me, support me in my worst, help me to show where my mistakes are and encourage me to solve them and scold me for my own good. And most importantly, they still help me to know a person better.
Everyday is a chance to try and I don't want to give up, I'll try again and again.
Tomorrow or the day after, I hope I will find my better self along with those people who actually care for me.