We do a lot of hoping, don't we? We hope the best for them and us, we hope things will turn out alright, we hope that this will be good, or that won't happen. We hope a lot, but I wonder how much of our hopes eventuate, and how many are just forgotten about.
I often hope for better.
In the moment at least.
But I reckon that a lot of my hopes are far more dreams, where there is very little possibility of them coming about. The ones that are most likely however, are those for other people, where I hope that they will be okay, or that they will get what they are after. Perhaps I don't have much hope for myself anymore.
The other day my daughter asked me what I wanted to be when I was young, and I don't have an answer. Because for me there was nothing specific and all I hoped was that I would find a way to be alright. At that point, I probably had far too many things going on in my world to really consider much past that, because immediate "survival" felt more pressing. Getting through would be an achievement and anything that was better than the situations I was in would be good enough.
The thinking of a child.
Because a child doesn't have the experience or insight into what is actually necessary in life and therefore, the hopes and dreams are unlikely to mesh with the reality of necessity, and definitely not lifelong fulfilment. Everything from the job a child might want to the social conditions they want for themselves, is likely immature and unlikely to align with possibilities and capabilities. Even the pretty basic ones like "fireman or teacher" don't just happen, they require a certain level of focus and dedication for years on end - not to mention astronaut or sporting star.
While the opportunities might have been there, I think that because I had so little direction I didn't build enough collateral down any particular path. I was more of a "bitsa" operator, where I could do bits of this and bits of that, making me a Jack of all trades, master of none. At times this is useful as it has meant I can move across multiple roles, but in many respects it is a huge hinderance, because I am not a specialist in anything. Well, I have built a specialty for myself in training, but it is through experience, not certification.
The weird thing is that if I went back, I probably still wouldn't know what I would want to be. Before I went into business at university I was thinking about doing psychology, and that is probably what I should have done, but it just didn't feel safe enough. Now though, with the amount of people having mental issues, they can't find enough qualified people here, especially in English. I think that if I had taken that path, I would have likely ended up more in behavioural design or economics, rather than therapy, but as a friend said to me the other day, I am almost a therapist now for some people.
But that "safe enough" was the guiding force when I was young, because I didn't have that psychological safety in childhood, so I looked for it wherever I went. Looking for safety means to be living in fear, and that is not a good position for decision-making, especially when it comes to long-term paths and investments.
Fear tricks us into making decisions based on how we feel now, not what we are going to need or want later.
Nowadays, my hopes are that my wife and daughter will be okay in their lives, though I don't see myself being a big part of making that happen. Sure, I am there for now in some respects, but my role will diminish further and further until I am a bit player, little more than an extra cast member in the background, uncredited. That might sound dramatic, but I think it is already happening. It doesn't really matter though, as long as they are okay, because at the end of the day, that is the best I can hope for.
What do you hope for?
Not that hope matters, because without the right actions and the right environment, hopes will die on the vine, but I guess that our hopes might give us some information toward which direction we may want to start travelling. And I wonder if it is better to commit to a path, even if it leads to a dead end, than to try to walk many paths simultaneously.
Hope this finds you well.
Taraz
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