I didn't notice I was becoming distant, until Amara pointed in out.
We were sitting together one evening, both of us with our phones in our hands. She was scrolling through hers, while I was doing the same, pretending to be interested in whatever was on my screen.
Then my phone rang. I looked at it and declined the call.
Amara looked up, " You're not picking?"
"No" I answered immediately.
"Why" she asked almost immediately.
"I don't just feel like talking" .
She nodded and went back to her phone.
A few minutes later the same number called again. I declined it the second time.
Amara looked at me " you do this alot"
"Do what" I asked surprisely
"Ignore people " she said.
"I don't ignore people."
"But you literally ignored someone twice here now " she persisted.
"Maybe I don't want to talk."
"That's different"
I didn't answer.
She left it alone.
That's Amara. She doesn't always push when she knows I'm not ready to talk.
A few days later, I was having one of those weeks where everything seemed to pile up at once.
Money was tight and I needed to sort some things out. Victor has disappointed me as usual. I was tired and honestly didn't have the energy to explain any of it.
Amara called, I didn't pick .
She called again, still nothing. She then texted .
"Are you ok?" I typed, I'm fine
I stared at it, then deleted it . Typed it again , deleted it the second time.
Eventually I put my phone down without replying . That evening there was Amara knocking on my door.
I opened the door, " You've been ignoring me" she uttered immediately.
"I've been busy "
She looked past me.
" You've been busy sitting in your room?"
I laughed.." how do you know " I asked
"Because I know you nah" she replied me.
She walked in with a small nylon bag in her hand.
"I brought you something to eat" she said while handing it over to me.
"Thank you"
We sat down. For a while neither of us talked. She then asked what's going on.
"Nothing"
"Okay" she nodded slowly.
I knew that okay, it means she didn't believe me.
I sat down opposite her, " I don't just feel like talking"
"That's fine " she then paused
" You don't have to disappear every time life gets uncomfortable "
I looked at her" I didn't disappear" I responded immediately.
She smiled " You always do"
I wanted to argue but I couldn't. Because she was actually right.
I had become very good at withdrawing. And whenever I felt disappointed I would pull away.
Whenever I feel vulnerable, I became quiet.
Whenever I needed help I convince myself I could handle it.
I hadn't always been like that. I used to trust people easily.
I used to tell people things without wondering what they would do with that information later.
Then a few experience changed me. Someone I trusted broke my confidence. He disappeared when I needed him the most.
After a while I started thinking , maybe it's better not to expect anything from anyone .
So I stopped expecting. It felt very much safer.
If I don't let people get close, they will not hurt me.
At least that's what I always told myself.
Amara was still sitting there.
"You know what your problem is?" She said
"Tell me " I replied
" You think protecting yourself means shutting everyone out."
I didn't respond.
She continued eating the biscuits she brought.
" Not everyone is the person who hurt you" .
That word really touched me. She was very right.
I have been treating new people like they're the ones that offended me. Someone had broken my trust and somehow it made me to become suspicious of everyone.
The disappointment has made me to stop expecting anything from anyone. Someone left, so I learned how to leave first.
I thought I was protecting myself , but somehow along the way, I had also made myself lonely.
I looked at Amara. " Do you think I have changed?"
She smiled " yes"
"Is that bad?" I curiously asked
"Not necessarily "
She stood up and picked up the empty food wrapper.
"Just don't change so much that the people who genuinely love you can't recognize you again."
After she left, I sat quietly for a while. My phone was still on my bed. There were two missed calls and a message waiting.
I picked it up, and for once I didn't ignore it. I called back.
It wasn't some huge turning point, or neither did I suddenly became an open book
I'm still very much careful about the people I trust. I still enjoy my own space, and I still believe that some people should be kept at a distance .
But now I ask myself a different question before shutting someone out, and the question is Did this person hurt me, or am I making them pay for what someone else did?
Sometimes the answer is uncomfortable, sometimes it's ""Yes, sometimes it No". Those are the moments when I try to leave the door open just a little, because I have learned that having boundaries is healthy.
But building a wall so high that nobody can teach me is something else entirely. And I don't want to spend my life surrounded by walls simply because I'm afraid of what might happen if i open the door.
Image is ai generated.
