*Was I ever crazy? Maybe, or maybe life is… Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It’s you or me amplified. Did you ever tell a lie and enjoy it, or wish you'd never die? I'm not perfect, but no one is ― Susanna Kaysen*

![U of T in Fal.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmSX2M1XskeT3ELkqYrTBGpQ2qd1sF51i7E2x4pZWZWj3z/U%20of%20T%20in%20Fal.jpg) *The Campus in Fall*

I was melancholy and wasn't sure if it were my mood, my life or the weather. I simultaneously felt desolate and disturbed―desolate because I had nobody and disturbed because the girl in my dreams was Blair, a relationship that could never be. And it was the fall equinox―everything precariously perched between equal amounts of night and day, warmth and cold, youth and age. Camus wrote that autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower. The leaves around me were turning colourful but inside me I felt totally empty. Although I didn't feel much like company, I decided to meet with Lev for lunch. I needed another perspective because I didn't trust the way I was seeing things lately. After all, he was a psychologist and my struggles and angst should be all in a day's work for him.

"That dream was very telling," he said, "It encapsulated everything that's been going on inside you." "It was disturbing," I admitted. "Dreams can be―they're often the smokescreen of our wishes." "So, what great wisdom do you have for me, O wise Master?" "It's what I've been saying all along―don't get distracted by what's happening with your body. You may look young, but you're fifty. It would work with you and Cindy because a ten-year age gap is doable, but with Blair? Thirty years is too big a gap to bridge."

"You're probably right, unless my body clock continues to wind back and then I might have no choice―it'll change my psychology. In ways, it already has." "Actually, I thought you were back to your old self today, at least, in attitude. Anyway, who knows? What I do know is that if I were you and I really liked this Cindy I'd go after her." "I do really like her. We're totally compatible and I feel good when I'm with her. The problem is I don't know where she lives or works or even her last name." "You sure you really know her?" he smiles sarcastically. I feel defensive. "I know it sounds dumb but she was being stalked by another jogger―I didn't want to ask her a bunch of personal questions. I figured I would if we went out to dinner, but you can see how that turned out."

Lev softens when he sees my sad face. "Okay Pal, just teasing. Guess I was trying to probe to see how serious you were about this girl. Seems like you did have a developing relationship despite her turning down the dinner invite." "Yeah, but that's what makes me doubt whether she was attracted to me or just being friendly." "Look , Callum, when a girl sees you with someone else and has such a strong emotional response, she's invested something in you. If I were you, every night after work I'd camp out in your neighbourhood and either drive around the streets or jog the various trails until you come across her."

"You're right―I guess I assumed it was a total rejection, especially coming just after she turned down my dinner invitation." "Ah yes, but then why did she drive over to your house? She probably thought it over and realized she was being overly-cautious. I suspect she came over to tell you she accepted your invitation and then saw you with Lori." "And then, when she saw her in my clothes and kissing me goodbye, it confirmed her worst fears." "Exactly. That's why you have to talk to her and explain the situation. If she still distrusts you, at least you tried."

The wisdom behind Lev's words finally sank in. He was right. I couldn't leave things as they were―it wasn't fair to Cindy, or me, for that matter. I made up my mind to go home that night and carry out a neighbourhood search for her. I didn't care if it took a week or a month, I at least wanted some kind of closure. Truth was, I cared for her. That's why the dream about Blair was so disturbing and why I was feeling out of sorts lately. The real illness here wasn't my body clock running backwards, it was loneliness. What was it Rumi wrote? If you desire healing, let yourself fall ill. That was true wisdom... And to which I'd also add, not to be afraid to fall in love. I only hoped I wan't alone in this.

To be continued…
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