I listen a lot. Most times I feel like I'm not, especially in a conversation that I think should be boring, but then I think back and I remember every word and every gesture of the person who spoke. It's a flaw I admire about myself but it comes with its problems.
I realized after some experiences last year that I wasn't living for myself. Or maybe I was but I was living under the influence of what everyone thought should be me but what wasn't who I was. A friend refers to me as "50 Shades of Karina" and sometimes I guess she's right. I act according to the personality I'm with, suppressing myself in the process. It's all a flaw that comes from listening too much.
I realized that if I listened to myself and not the fairytale ideas people had of my relationship 3 years ago, I probably would have seen the red flags. But he was the perfect boyfriend when he knew I was with my friends. They idolized "his type of man".
I think last year was the last straw for me. I was at a point where I just needed someone to tell me what to do and no one could because no one had the answer. This was in terms of my life direction. In terms of my love life, there was always a direction someone expected me to take. It ruined me.
After a while, I took my entire life into my hands and leapt into a relationship that really shouldn't have been. However, I think for the first time I experienced what a relationship could be like. Yeah, it had its flaws, don't we all, but it felt good for once being loved more than I gave a damn about. The man came with his mental issues but he idolized me. I realized that was the kind of thing I deserved because I'm such an amazing person.
I got in with absolutely nobody's consent and I got out with nobody's consent. I did things in my own time and even when I was given counsel I shoved it and did what was best for me. Always look out for number 1.
Later on, this year, I lost myself and forgot my plans. I was being rushed for something I was so sure I wasn't ready for. Haven taken a look at my finances, I made plans for the next 2 years and here I was in the midst of people who had their plans set for next year telling me I was dumb for not doing what they were doing. And when I made them understand that their plans weren't mine, they called me "indecisive". No doubt, I am, but who has the perfect plan all the time?
I hate feeling like I don't know what I'm doing just because someone else's thinks they know what they're doing. It's all a flaw that comes with listening too much. I suppress myself and my plans and try to align with others because I think they have it all figured out. Truth is, they don't. And that's okay.
I love being in a crowd I can control. Hence why I love being alone. I left where I was to stay at my parent's home where there's no power supply just so I can be alone with my thoughts to navigate my next possible moves and options.
It's easy to fall into the idea of who people think you should be. I have a friend who constantly calls me kind and believes I go out of my way for everyone. My brothers also consider me to be that sort of person. I don't know if they do it intentionally to push me into being that sort of person, but every time I think about it, I try to make that narrative about me true.
I'm learning to think for myself because right now, that's the only option I have.
Thanks for reading!
