I have realised lately how I am not fully living the word trust; there are still deeply routed memories that strike an ingrained level of hurt from being what I call ‘shit on’ in the past and from living through this expecting everyone to eventually shit on me.
Have I been too trusting, vulnerable and open, and because of this no other human can be trusted - Because I am the only one that is trustworthy? Ahh but am I trustworthy, do I believe that others will ‘shit on’me because it already exists within myself - the ability to not trust myself and make a decision that is best for me ?
Shit on oneself is to accept ‘crap’ or bullshit as a form of illusion or self deception !! So am I still bullshitting myself?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept a lesser version of myself - a version that expects others to shit on me or cheat on me in some way and within this expect others to do things to me that will hurt me, because really at the end of the day I have created a belief from childhood memories that I don’t matter, that it is acceptable to treat me this way because it what happens to me as a form of being a victim.
I forgive myself that I haven’t seen/realised and understood that it is possible that I am creating a scenario to ‘feel sorry for myself’ that is a memory imprint whereby I can dwell in my own self pity in victim mode - because I don’t rate myself I don’t expect others to rate me either.
I forgive myself that I have created an addiction of sorts to energy of feeling sorry for myself and within loose all hope and trust in others and myself, where the only one constant is who I am as energy and how I use that energy to comfort myself as self pity.
I commit myself to stop and breathe when the moments of energy of self pity, fuelled by a lack of trust in myself and others come up as thoughts and triggers of memories - when I feel a dread in the pit of my stomach, that I am going to be ‘shit on’ or that someone isn’t considering me and my feelings in a situation - and that within this my own paranoia is triggered through thoughts of ‘that’s what happens to me’ I commit myself to forgive immediately and to remind myself that I am in energy and I breathe, forgive and let it go and I redefine the words lack of trust by living the words self care and respect through giving myself the trust that I look for in others, by being able to demonstrate and live these words as myself moment by moment, breath by breath, to the point where I stop making assumptions and imagining the worst happening as I have seen it.
