Closeness and connection are not always the same thing. Sometimes, what we call closeness is simply performance. It is the art of constantly managing people's expectations, editing your personality to keep everyone comfortable and making sure no one feels disappointed even if it means disappointing yourself every single day.
This realization didn't come to me through a dramatic event. It arrived quietly. There was a particular day when my sister returned home after months of absence and everyone at home was so excited. My joy was palpable because this is my only sister we're talking about here. The same sister I can take a bullet for without a second thought.
After exchanging pleasantries and catching up on major life events that we missed out on, I retreated to my room to continue working on a crochet project.
Anyone could have easily assumed that I was in fact aggrieved because my sister just returned. Why? Because instead of hovering over her like everyone else and completing her sentences, I was working on a project that had no deadline.
The amazing part? Once she was done entertaining everyone else, she came to sit with me in silence. We didn't have to force any kind of bond, nor did we have to prove our love because there exists a genuine connection between the two of us.
The truth is mostly, nothing bad happens when we cut down on the performance. Some people will drift away and some others will stay. In my opinion, real closeness is never built on performance but on vulnerability. This can happen when people stop pretending and allow what lies underneath to show up.
There was a point in my life when I questioned how much of my relationships were built on genuine affection, and how much depended on me constantly proving my worth. I think many people have lived some version of this. Maybe you're the friend who organizes every gathering because nobody else will or you're the sibling that quietly solves everyone's problems.
At some point, being dependable can feel like performing closeness. The interesting thing about performing closeness is that people often praise you for it because you always know what to say, how to say it and even when to say it. These compliments feel good until you realize they are describing what you do, not who you really are.
Many people stick to performing closeness because it's easier to just say things that aren't true than baring out the deepest most genuine parts of themselves.
On the flip side, healthy relationships don't require constant performance. When you stop over explaining yourself, some people become uncomfortable, some lose interest and some even disappear. At first, this may feel like rejection but eventually, it begins to feel like clarity.
These days, we may feel pressured to document friendships, celebrate relationships publicly, respond instantly to people's messages, maintain streaks, and constantly reassure people of our affection. Some of these things are beautiful and some can be exhausting.
It's best to stop measuring closeness by frequency. There are some friends I don't speak with daily but whenever we eventually reconnect, there's no feeling of guilt or passive aggressive comments.
At the end of the day, we have to be reminded that ease doesn't come first. Dropping the act and making room for genuine friendships can be uncomfortable and self doubt may creep in sometimes, but it's always better to have a few genuine relationships than a truckload of dishonest ones.
This post is written in response to the #kiss blog idea for this week which can be found here.
Images used belong to me and were taken with my mobile device, except stated otherwise
