We often seem to confuse being ALONE with being LONELY as if they are the same thing, but I have come to believe that they are not. Because as far as I can see it, being alone is a state of circumstance whereas being lonely is a state of perception. One is determined by the circumstance we are in while the other is simply a construct of our own mind. It is a well travelled understanding that a person can be completely on their own in this world and yet not feel lonely, the same way as a person can feel terribly lonely even while surrounded by hoards of people. It is not the circumstance of being alone that causes us feel this loneliness, but the way in which we interpret the circumstance.
A good way to illustrate this is through an example, such as sitting alone at a table that seats four people:
The circumstance is that you are by yourself right now and this is the only table available. As the only person in need of a seat there are now three empty chairs around you. Through rational analysis we can clearly see that this is the basic situation as it stands. Okay, so now imagine that this were in a busy café or restaurant and around you are people sat at tables with their partners and friends all happily talking and laughing together. Despite a change in our surroundings, the circumstance itself remains unchanged: You are by yourself right now and sitting alone at a table for four people because it is the only table available. You do not have a partner or friends with you at this time and so this is why there are three empty chairs around you. But due to our surroundings affecting our thoughts and emotions, our mind starts to perceive this circumstance as if something is wrong, by making us feel as though we have no friends and no one to talk to. The three empty spaces suddenly feel like three missing people and so we begin to feel lonely as a result.
So in this example we see how the circumstance was one thing, but our perception of it was entirely different. We can also see how the elements which made us feel lonely existed simply because we introduced them. We reacted to our negative thoughts and emotions which in turn led us to perceive the absence of people at our table as a something wrong. But we only deemed it as a problem once we sat down at the table and began looking upon our surroundings in such a way that it allowed our negative feelings to grow and govern our perception of the circumstance.
I think this comes from within our own psyche due to our feelings of insecurity and fear; a fear that our lives are lacking in some way or that we are missing out on something prosperous or essential in life. Also being unable to indulge our desires plays a large part too, as in the example we witnessed so many people spending time with their friends and loved ones, all sitting at full tables, happy and joyful. As such we wanted to have the same, but due to the circumstance that we found ourselves in we couldn't have it and so we felt anxious and depressed as a result. It was actually while sitting alone at a four seater table in a coffee shop last year that this exact realisation hit upon me and why I now share it with you.
Obviously this is something struck entirely from within my own perspective and so I do empathise with those who maybe do like to be around people as much as possible. To them I would say that if you are ever facing an isolated situation that is particularly troubling for you, then remember that while this is the circumstance you are in right now, it doesn't mean it will be the circumstance you are always going to be in. Life is fluid, dynamic and unpredictable. It's always changing and so new people will come into our lives all the time. So please don’t give up! Keep going and let life do it’s thing.
As for me, during my time alone now I can see so many useful insights into my life and how I believe I can progress in the world. I have managed to find a more stable foundation in my thoughts and in my emotions by teaching myself to accept my alone time as a current circumstance rather than something that is wrong or broken in my life. That the conditions I am experiencing are neither irregular nor incorrect, but simply the way things are at this time. I have also come to discover a sense of serenity and (dare I say) freedom in being alone in my solitude.
Do I still feel lonely? Yes, sometimes I do, but I think this is due to a basic human need we all have which urges us to seek out partnerships and communities. By our very nature we are communal creatures and this is why we typically gather in cities and towns. It's why we band together to form teams, groups and organisations. Aside from it increasing the prospects of resproduction, our ancient ancestors no doubt learned that there is safety in numbers, especially while dealing with the various threats and predators they encountered during their time, and this is why I believe that our need to “come together” always remains so very strong within our instincts. But it's also why we sometimes fight such overwhelming feelings of loneliness whenever we are alone, why we suffer stress and anxiety due to these instincts telling us that we are exposed or unsafe; and at the end of the day isn't the need for safety one of the most powerful drives within all living creatures?
So in summary: From looking at myself from an outside perspective I have learnt that am not lonely so much as feeling uncertain, and also not to think of being alone as something that is necessarily wrong with my life but something that is simply a part of life. From personal experience I understand that when it comes to positive change and self-discovery we will always face new hurdles, so like with any undesired or adverse situation we are met with, I think that the only real problem we have to solve when it comes to any given circumstance is through our perception of it.
© Westley Nash (2017)
Thank you for taking the time to stop by and viewing my content, I am most honoured indeed and hope you have a really great day :)
Best wishes
Westley xx
You can also find me here: