I've been quiet on steemit lately. I've been having vivid dreams that have taken me into a contemplative state as I work through understanding the messages and meanings behind them. These restless and anxious nights with the same messages repeating over and over have uncomfortably prodded and reignited something within me. This is good. This is an opportunity for self awareness and growth.
Every night I encounter a fox and then a bear. I shoot the fox and feel relief for having done so. This isn't characteristic of me at all. I don't understand why I do this. As I shoot the fox a bear strolls out of the woods and follows me into the house. As I stand watching the bear explore the house, it becomes frustrated and sweeps things off of the counters. The bear then turns and looks at me, it's brown eyes are deep and full of meaning. She slashes the door with it's claws and slowly ambles its way back into the woods with its head down.
When I think of foxes I think: sneaky, conniving, concealment, dishonesty, trickster.
Am I being tricked? Am I concealing things?
When I think of bears I immediately think: protective, powerful, brave, confident,mother.
Does someone need my protection, strength?
I start thinking about where this might be coming from. Why now? There is someone that I've been worrying about a lot. He is causing my heart to ache with concern but I am also angry with him.
We've tried walking on eggshells but that isn't working. We try pandering to his whims to keep the peace but that isn't working. There is so much love given at all times. There has never been any shortage of love and encouragement. Maybe it's time for mama bear to"roar"?
A dream about a fox can indicate that you may need to start concealing some of your emotions and be more discrete in certain situations.
The problem is, this is what I tend to do. I am the peace keeper. The one trying to keep harmony and worry about everyone feelings. It isn't working and I feel as though my gentle nature is being taken advantage of. Maybe this is why I kill the fox?
The fox reminds me of a poem that stirs me and also infuriates me because it feels as though this is how I've lived my life: perpetually constrained. I am trying very hard to free myself from these mental constraints. A lot of people like to say "be yourself - what do you have to lose?" but what if you were raised to safeguard your thoughts and keep them silent? What if this is how many people prefer you and life falls apart when you try and change?
It's terribly frightening to start revealing your true raw self to the world.
Speak not, lie hidden, and conceal
the way you dream, the things you feel.
Deep in your spirit let them rise
akin to stars in crystal skies
that set before the night is blurred:
delight in them and speak no word.
How can a heart expression find?
How should another know your mind?
Will he discern what quickens you?
A thought once uttered is untrue.
Dimmed is the fountainhead when stirred:
drink at the source and speak no word.
Live in your inner self alone
within your soul a world has grown,
the magic of veiled thoughts that might
be blinded by the outer light,
drowned in the noise of day, unheard…
take in their song and speak no word.
Written by Russian poet Fyodor Ivanovich Tyutchev (1830) translation by Vladimir Nabokov
This brings us to the bold, confident and protective bear. What was she telling me?
A dream about a bear can indicate that you are aware of your power but sometimes hide it from others. This is true. People prefer my soft and gentle over my strong and forceful - even I prefer it. I suppress too much inside though.
I tried being a bear on the telephone yesterday but It turns out that I am not a very good bear. I ended up crying, something that happens to me when I am sad, mad, furious. He knows how to play me like a fiddle that kid. He knows all my weaknesses. Strong emotions inevitably lead to tears with me. It's a strange affliction that I am unable to control.
I think I've caused more obstinate, stubborn resistance to hearing and seeing than what had been there before. Add distance to this which I can feel deeply like a brick wall in front of me. I feel like a failure. This makes me want to step back and be gentle and quiet (what he wants) but I think he needs a stronger voice even if he does not want it. My husband is encouraging me to roar. I've got support.
I am listening to these visitors in the night. I am trying to understand. I am trying to change for the better.
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