Recently, I've been having this particular critic crossing my mind even more loudly that I wonder if all I did to silent it had been a waste of try. I understand how powerful the mind can be and that I am not even close to using that power for the good of my life yet. Instead, I'm still fighting getting rid of the negatives that are against me.
How is it that one smiles so beautifully but words "not so beautiful" are on the mind at that same moment? Just how powerful is the mind?
It baffles me a lot really, because I see myself more as someone who such things shouldn't cross her mind but then, my mind reminds me the things that I subconsciously care more about and sends me the reminder in the words that I really do not want to hear. At some point, I felt so bad about them until I learned what it really is.
My mind is my mind, I am the one criticising and I am the one being criticised, it's a confusing state of mind that I am still trying to bring to a settle because it isn't in any way peaceful. At least, I do have the times I get peaceful and it was when I fight harder to silent it at a moment. But it keeps coming back especially on days I'm defenseless.
What is my internal critic and it's favourite phrase?
You are always behind, You are not ready, You don't deserve what you're about to get now".
When does it speak the loudest?
When I am about to do something I believe would change my life even in the smallest ways or when I get an opportunity I've never really imagined I would get.
If it were a person, what would it look like?
It'd look like me, a beautiful lady scared that her reflection would do way better than she can handle. Unsure of how she can live that beautiful life she imagines, she isn't ready even though she wants it.
If I am being honest, this is a pattern I've noticed from when I was a teen as the eldest daughter of my family. I just kept seeing myself as the stepping stone for others and by that, I don't have to be the one who others will let step up through them. I've tried to fight it a lot of times but just when I am winning, I would have to fight it again.
But the amazing part of these critics dancing in my mind is that, I am very much aware of when it comes and who exactly is doing the talking when it comes. I may not have all the strategies to get rid of it totally but I know I am doing a lot of the things I once thought I am not ready or enough for. It's a critic pushing me towards self-growth.
Images used are mine.