Beginning this blog, I began to realise that I'm much stronger than I realise.
The seedlings were there.
They grew when I began to see over time the extent to which my internal dialogue effectively disempowers me.
It's fairly empirically obvious that I'm more capable than I think, given that I'm admired and respected by the outside world but don't feel that way about myself.
There must be something wrong either my perception.
Earlier today, looking at myself from the outside in a kind of idle way and then it dawned on me; I don't believe I can be single and happy.
This is madness.
Enough times I've been in a relationship and not skipping with joy; not necessarily unhappy (though that too is possible) but simply plodding along.
What's more, even though I dismiss it, those who are married and with kids look at the freedom I have in my lifestyle and they are jealous of me.
I don't notice that deliberately, because doing so would erode how much I've invested in being jealous of then in order to perpetuate the false belief that being single and happy and fulfilled is not possible.
But it's a false belief. How can it be that this combination of affairs is an impossible state?
And then I wonder- what is this false belief - that being single and happy is impossible- designed to avoid? What's its purpose?
And I see it. If I were single and happy, then if I met someone I would be completely exposed.
I might risk my happiness for him. I'd have to completely accept myself,if I were to he happy, warts and all. And he might reject me for my warts.
So it's easier to engage with the fantasy that I need someone to save me.
In essence, this strategy is avoiding gaining love for the fear of losing love. And that fear is based on a false belief I'm not lovable.
My physical world reflects this fear.
My flat is filled with heirlooms. Artifacts, old books belonging to a scholarly deceasedceased relative I won't let go of or donate. Broken things I cannot bear to cut my losses with.
This outlook as a map for living is wrong. It directs me to loneliness. Holding back, over protective of myself.
Time to change the map. Time to release false beliefs. All is well. I can be happy exactly as things are. I give myself permission to release everything I no longer want.
