My brother was born two years after me.
My mother thinks that it was because of the drugs at childbirth; for the first year he was sleepy, didn't develop fully.
They were afraid he was mentally disabled, though no doctor could diagnose anything specific. My father never changed one nappy, never did housework.
My mother did the accounting for his small business. She resented his lack of help.
I was a very inquisitive, hyper energetic two year old when he was born.
My parents were not of a generation or the type to read up on parenting psychology books.
But even if they were, there's a limit how much you can prepare a two year old for a younger sibling.
I was jealous and my mother was extremely stressed and worried about her newborn.
She told me all this and cried thirty five years later, from the guilt of being so insensitive to and impatient with me. She remembers that once, when I was a toddler, I was trying to get her attention. She turned around and screamed at me "will you stop behaving like a child!".
Of course I don't remember anything. But it all fits into place as to my current character weakness.
Around the age of one, about the time my father started taking my brother to an energy healer, the mysterious condition that was slowing his development spontaneously cleared up.
But that wasn't the end of it.
My parents' relationship was such that my mother was quite articulate, my father had English as a second language (and wasn't that great with it either).
Where he was emotional and fiery, she was cold and dismissive but their arguments would come out as shouting matches my father getting himself into a fury and my mother be verbally arguing fluently against his every point, whilst he spluttered and raged. My mother was very dominant but my father made the noise.
When my brother was 7 and I was 9 he began to dream people came in the middle of the night and took apart his penis. Off to the family psychologist we went.
The family psychologist conclusion was that, my mother being so dominant and my father being weak- well my father should start taking a more active role.
Should make activities doe boys. It could be that because my father lost his younger brother to leukemia when he was 19 and his brother was about 17, that he found it hard to connect to my brother, because he had such a sensitive and deep love for him.
But my father was an inconsistent parent showering with affection or being very distant. He could be extremely volatile in his temper, but towards is he was loving an in good spirits. I think found it easier to be affectionate towards me but still, I remember at that age worrying for him and having fantasies that he would one day notice me. There was something in his parenting that easily very distracted, very loving but he was an insecure presence, he could excite and he could entertain but he was not a calming presence. My mother found it easier to be loving towards my brother.
I remember feeling quite jealous of the times she would play games with him.
I was okay, I was loud energetic, engaged, clever.
Both my parents really worried alot about my brother. Apart from that, they both valued the son more in a material way, though I never felt less loved.
I always felt very loved by both my parents, it's just the delivery that sometimes was . Well imperfect.
When the homework was done for the family psychologist; when my father set up the toy airplane club, I too wanted to join. I was becoming a tomboy.
My mom, who had resented being a housewife, did not set for me n attractive model to emulate. She nurtured as was needed but need took pride in nurturing. It was something one did but somewhat grudgingly.
So I valued the thing my father, who loved me more warmly had going for him that defined his masculinity; he was always very serious about doing 'business' , about property, art, imprt and export. I had a secret fantasy I'd one day run his business for him, holding in my mid a fantasy of a multitude of these important businesses'. But the fantasy of having a successful business and passing it on was only see carried by my father for his son. I could take pride in how I was doing at school; and I did keep winning przes in my class getting badges at brownies.
But the business wasn't for me into the patriarchal fantasy.
And when I wanted to join the toy aeolplane club, my parents did not have the skills to explain on a way I deeply understood thar this was for my brother, due to the family psychologist recommendation.
In fact, what really began I happen was that instead perhaps of my mother understanding her role in the imbalanced family dynamics, I started it become scapegoated. I received a message of disapproval for making us much noise winning too many prizes, because it was bringing down my brother's confidence you see.
And so this pattern, this inner tension between wanting ot be seen and recognised and feeling I have no right to be successful has continued to this day.
And I have been very jealous and insecure at work if there was a hint that was not my boss's favourite.
. And that has been so harmful to me. It mean that I couldn't see my role objectively from the outside because I was so concerned about being okay by him. I systematically cut myself off from seeing my own strength.
That has been terrible.
It means I've repeatedly succeeded dramatically and yet conditioned myself to not truly take pleasure in my acheivements; to feel like I'm on a constant hamster wheel running and running and running. And I've never felt truly part of a cohesive team at work. Never felt secure.
And I look at others jealously. They seen to enjoy their success more, be so much more at ease with it.
You maybe are wondering what happened to my brother.
They put him through a very expensive private school (I went to a non paying good school, but they never could have affforded two private schools).
He became ultra relgious and now have enough children to form more than single football team. All of which children are carefully not schooled in secular subjects that will help them earn a living in the secular world. Except the girls, who had to be able ot support their husbands to study.
So much for all that money into my brother's private education.
As for me I'm a career super star.
And so insecure!
I'm trying to get over it through conscious thinking.
But oh how I see that jealousy held me back. It poisoned my will to cooperate trustingly with others. It made me blind to my own strengths, which emboldened manipulative people around me.
Turning over a new leaf...
