Hey beautiful, how're you doing? You don't look alright, is everything okay? Seems like you need a spear pen. Here, you can have mine- are the phrases I hear Kingsley say and all I would say in responds is, 'I'm alright anything else? And that would be it! Kingsley was tall, masculine and good-looking . He was everything I wished and prayed for. I could always imagine us together with the pretty little things attached-the red roses and singing birds with extraordinary long beaks, lol! You know, the awkward ways we ladies love to imagine things. Fortunately for me, I got his love on my side- oh no, he loved me too! He took the time to gaze gracefully at my lips when I talked, asked if I was okay when if I looked worried and also chased after me when I proved stubborn. But what did I do in return? I shrugged off all his advances to the dust. Damn it! I shouldn't have right? Little did I know that I would repeat same right unto my fourth date. I had started becoming a thorn in my own flesh. I didn't want to lose my man and still didn't want to openly accept him, while giving him incomprehendable mixed feelings, making it harder to love me. Believe me, I never wanted to. It was much easier to imagine him in my arms cuddling than working towards making it a reality.
Later on, I decided to take a break from the dating world and trust me, it was one of the best decisions I made for myself. I had the time to recall all that happened during my 'unlovable' years and realised that about 92% of the problem came from my side. The fact that I saw myself as insecurely deserving of a romantic relationship was a greater deformity than having a disorganized attachment style. I felt dismayed for awhile but, I'm glad that I discovered this earlier and so began the journey of self discovery, which I tag:
Transformative steps into becoming a loving soul.
Admit that there is a problem that is needed to be fixed.
Self-denial seems like a quick fix me up to reduce an over-empowering anxiety. But, does it even last? There's no harm in accepting that you have to work on yourself to be better. It's the most effective therapeutic way to move on.
Change the things you have the power over.
Its isn't enough to identify your flaws, but it takes an amount of courage to change the things you can change. I hear people say, that's who I am, and there's nothing I can do about it. Lol, that's isn't true. You can make changes where necessary especially if its a bad trait. For example, if you have the habit of chewing gum when someone speaks to you, and you're avoided for such reason, would you say that's who you are and thus can't change it? You would make amends right? Yeah, it should be same for your flaws of self criticisms about your face or bodies in front of your partner or even constant nags for something so insignificant.
